The challenge of being me

Recently, I posted this on my facebook account, and I wanted to re-post it here so that I don't forget the valuable lessons that I am learning, and the beautiful epiphany that I experienced only a few weeks ago.

I need constant reminding of why trials happen, because I am forever getting hung up on the here's and now's of things.

In the eternal perspective, these "hard times" are only a minute fraction of my life.

Here is the post:

Peace comes...

Through trials and struggles, I have often asked “Why me?” Who hasn’t, really?
I look at our bank account, a meager income for three people, and see it shrivel every two weeks when bills are due, and rent is due, and I think, “If only someone could give us everything we need while we’re going through school, so we wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.”
When I look at the scale and see barely any difference, or perhaps, a difference in the wrong direction, I often think, “If only I could eat whatever I want and never have to worry about this. If only I were one of the ‘lucky ones’ who stayed thin regardless of what she ate, and actually LIKED exercising.”
When we decide as a family that we want children, and the months and years go by and we cannot conceive, and I cry and think, “Why us? We are good people. We would never hurt our children. Why do we struggle with this and others do not? Why can’t we be fortunate enough to be able to plan our family like other people can? Why are we denied this most precious desire of our hearts? Why do we have to endure such heartbreak month after month?”
I often think these things. This last week I really thought I was pregnant. We have been trying for about 9 months now, and just as it was last time when we were trying for Ezra, test after test is negative and the fear that this will again be a difficult task looms in our hearts. This last week was different, because I actually felt different. I could feel things happening in my body, and even though I tried not to get my hopes up, when I took that test, I was convinced we were expecting, and so was Bryan.
The devastation that consumed me yesterday was horrible. Not because I wasn’t pregnant, but because I realized again that this is again going to be a struggle, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to make it through this time. A person can only handle so much.
So, last night I was crying and telling Bryan everything I was feeling, and he said, “At least we know the good from the bad.”
That got me thinking, and I said a very heartfelt prayer to my Heavenly Father thanking him for these struggles that we go through. I thanked him sincerely for not giving me everything, and allowing us to struggle and feel the immense pain of disappointment, and allowing us to feel also, the IMMENSE relief and joy of finally getting what we want.
I have so much appreciation for Heavenly Father giving me the gift of sacrifice and hardship because I do feel that I am a stronger person for having to endure these pains through out my life.
It is hard, and going through these struggles I often forget that I should be grateful. I often cry, “Why me?” But sometimes I think, shouldn’t I be asking, “Why not me?” I am truly blessed because of these things in my life. Because we must sacrifice entertainment because Bryan is the only one working, I get to stay home and raise Ezra. I get to be a stay at home mother, and I am truly and forever grateful for that.
Because I have struggled with weight my entire life, I can empathize with others and be less critical and judgmental of those who struggle with it too. I can be more accepting of people of all sizes who feel insecure and criticized and be a friend to those who really need it. For that, I am grateful because there are so many wonderful people out there that would be overlooked if I didn’t have this attitude of love and acceptance towards them. I know in my heart that the reason I can look beyond that is because of my own struggles in life. I know that if it were not for the attitude I have developed that I would miss out on wonderful relationships in my life, and wouldn’t I be the one suffering for that?
Because I struggle to become a mother, I can better help others with the same problem. I can offer a shoulder to cry on if they need it, or advice that helps me if that is what they desire, or simply be the one and only person they feel they can turn to because they know I have been down that hard and rocky path. What is better than helping others? No one should feel alone and if I can be the person that sincerely cares when people need an ear to listen, or an open heart to ease their own suffering, why shouldn’t I be grateful for being able to offer someone that?
So what if I have to struggle for a little while. So what if things are hard. When things get easy, even if it is only for a short period of time, I can look at my current situation and say to myself, “The struggle was worth it.”
Ezra was worth the wait, and I know our next child will be too. Bryan was worth the wait… after all the awful relationships I had before him. I know that when we finally are finished with school and we can feel safe and secure knowing we have enough money to provide for our family, and maybe a little extra to ease someone else’s burdens, it will have been worth the struggle we have now. I know that when I do lose this weight for good, I will be so much more thankful than I would if it just came easily.
After all, how can we know the sweet if we have not tasted the bitter?
I wish anyone reading this all the blessings in this world that Heavenly Father can give… even if at the time we don’t see them as blessings. Keep your head up and smile through the tears because in the end, it’s worth it… I promise!
Love, Susan