Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Gripe or Two

I have a spider bite on my arm, and it hurts, and I'm feeling a little sick.

I have seen Clifford's Really Big Movie so many times.

I feel all sorts of anxiety right now, and a general sense of unease. I have no idea why, but it freaks me out when I feel like this... like something awful is going to happen.

The other day I went to the yucky store... a.k.a. Walmart, and there were TWO police cars parked in the NO PARKING ZONE in front of the store when I went in. One was a local University Police car, and the other was a city police car. There are special parking spots for the city police cars at our Walmart, so I found this a little annoying. As I was going in, I see two police officers coming out with a shopping cart. They were from the University police... So, they were doing their shopping and parking illegally at the same time. Very nice. You know, I can't just park wherever the hell I want to because I don't want to park out in BFE to go in to an overcrowded store that I hate. It infuriates me when people abuse "privileges." Like, when you see police cars speeding without lights or sirens on town roads, and when they get to a stoplight that they don't want to stop at, they turn their lights on to go through it and make people move out of their way. Once they are through the light, they turn off the lights and continue on their way to their "emergency" dinner at Applebee's two towns over. (On TAXPAYER DOLLARS mind you... that gas isn't free).

Sorry I ranted for a minute.

Just a few things on my mind.

With Love,

Monday, May 10, 2010


So, 8 years ago, the man I love married me. Looking back, it's hard to believe we had no idea what to expect over the course of the next few years. The joys and the heartache that were coming. The ups and the downs and the tears and the laughter. The frustration and anger, and the sweet relief that only love brings.

Through fights and dealing with death. Through laughing and playing. Through infertility and adoption talks. Through moving again and again to follow our own path that was being lain out for us. To finding answers to our heartbreak, to getting a positive pregnancy test, to dealing with the aches and pains of the last trimester, to finally holding that baby in our arms and smiling through tears. Through dirty diapers and long, sleepless nights. Through changes in majors, and putting schooling on hold to enjoy those first few months of him. Through turning our lives upside down with new plans. To now, where we don't really know what the future holds... I wouldn't and couldn't have picked a better partner in this wacky thing we call life.

My husband constantly supports me and lifts me up. When I said I wanted to pursue photography again, he was the first person to say, "I know you can do it." He was also the first one to say, "Maybe you can support me for a while," with a great big laugh from both of us.

He doesn't think my ideas are crazy, and if he does, he doesn't say.

He is my best friend, and the love of my life. I can't wait to spend another 8 years, and another 8 years, and an infinite amount more with him. He is one amazing man, and I am blessed to have him.

We gave each other our gifts, and I think he was pretty stoked about the U2 tickets I got him, just as I was happy about the Jack Johnson tickets he got me... though I must admit I am SLIGHTLY(?) more stoked to go see U2... Anyway, we are going to have a fun filled summer starting in June when we get to go see a band we've both loved for years rock the Rice-Eccles stadium!

Here we are 4 years ago back in 2006 when we went to see Cyndi Lauper in Vegas.

I still love him to pieces. He is my soul mate. Truly. MADLY. Deeply. (Yes, I just totally quoted a Savage Garden song... as if 8 years of marriage didn't date me already!)

With Love,

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Feeling sad...

This morning, I woke up to breakfast from my sweetheart and my little one. But, for some reason, I woke up with a feeling of dread. Now, some of you may know what I'm talking about... others may not. Do you know that feeling that you can't shake, like something bad is going to happen? You just can't figure out why you are so sad or scared, until... you find out why.

8 years ago, when Husband and I got married, we found a sweet yellow lab puppy. She was so full of life and was so beautiful. We named her Daisy. We took her everywhere, and we loved her so much. She was even the theme of a college essay that I wrote about someone I cared about, much to the amusement of my college professor, who loved the paper, and at the end, wrote in the margin, "I think you're ready for children." Little did he know that Daisy would be our only child for a while yet.

She was happy, and so sweet. Always giving kisses and big bear hugs. She loved to hug. She couldn't stand to be left out of hugs. She would often jump up on her hind legs and wrap her front legs around you. She loved everyone, and had a beautiful spirit.

When we moved to Las Vegas, we couldn't take her with us, and I was devastated. But, I knew that she would have a good home, where she would be very loved with my mom. So, she moved across two states to end up in Colorado. She has been there since 2005 when we sadly had to leave her in a new home and go off on our own adventure where dogs weren't allowed-much to our heartbreak.

We visited Colorado, and I thought she would have forgotten us. But, she remembered right away and immediately looked around to make sure both Bryan and I were in fact there. She stayed by our sides throughout the visits, and loved us and made up for all the lost kisses over the year we had been gone.

I remember once I was sick with a migraine for a week, back in 2003, and Daisy was my constant companion throughout that week. She followed me everywhere, even when I was huddled in a ball over the toilet bowl barfing my guts out. I actually remember her putting a paw on my back, as if to say, "It's okay, I'm here," and then giving me a kiss on the nose when I turned to her with tears in my eyes and said "thank you, Daisy. You're a good friend." She would lie down next to me, and didn't leave my side when I was sick. She was the perfect friend. It broke my heart to say goodbye to her when we had to leave.

Today, I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mothers Day, and she answered in tears. I knew something was wrong, and I waited to find out why I had been so sad all day. "Daisy hemorrhaged," she said. "What?" I asked. "Daisy...(sobbing) she.. she's gone." I started bawling. My baby. My first baby, was dead.

Something happened, we don't know what, but she started bleeding on the inside, and she came in to say goodbye and get a drink of water, and quietly left the house, leaving a trail of blood on her way out, and lay down in the bushes and died. My mom found her after she was gone.

I don't know what happened. She could have ate something that hurt her, or something inside could have ruptured, but she died in a way that makes me so sad. I couldn't be there for her in her hour of need, to ever repay her for how she took care of me all the times when I was sick. She died alone, and probably in a lot of pain. But, she didn't want to be a bother, and so she walked quietly over to a hidden place and passed away.

My heart is broken. I am so completely an emotional wreck right now. She was still so young and vibrant. I don't know what happened, and it just makes me sick to think of her all alone. I mean, I don't blame my mom... Daisy didn't make a fuss, there's no way she could have known something happened. It just makes me so sad that she is gone, and that she probably suffered a lot of pain.

So, today my sweet doggie died, and I am very, very sad. I loved her so much, and I only wish I could have pet her one last time, or just been there for her, so she knew how much I loved her.

Happy Mothers Day, everyone. Even if you are Mother to only Dogs and Cats, you are still a mommy to me. Pets truly become family. I know all of mine have.

To Daisy! A boon companion!

May your day bring you much better news than mine.

With Love,

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Pretty soon...

Pretty soon, (May 10th to be exact) I will have been married 8 years. It seems unreal. I am so happy to have the man in my life that I do. He is a wonderful husband and father. I can't go on enough about him. Eventhough there are times when I get flustered and frustrated with him, I wouldn't change him. He is amazing in every way. Usually when I get frustrated it's my own fault anyway.

Well, I'm just so excited for our anniversary this year, because I have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND this year. I am SO excited to give him the present I got! I cannot wait for Tuesday! I am not going to say just now, just in case, but I will tell you this much, I will post it as soon as I give it to him!

Anyway, just wanted to share my excitement!

With Love,

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

FOREVER 3 = The best start to my day!

         A few months ago, I was taking a creative writing class with my friends Olivia and Debbie, and Olivia and I went to the final showcase of all the classes that they were having of the community education program.

At the showcase, there was a woman who performed a song she wrote for the songwriting class that, quite honestly was one of the sweetest songs I have ever heard. It brought both Olivia and I to tears while she was singing it.

I approached her after the showcase ended, and asked if she would mind sending the lyrics to me in an email, and so we exchanged emails and I was so excited to get a copy of the lyrics... well, I lost her email address because of my organizational skills (or lack thereof) and thought after I hadn't heard from her for months that she had forgotten me and that I would never again hear the song.

Last night, I was thinking about it randomly and was feeling pretty disappointed about it, and then woke up this morning to an email in my inbox from her! In it, I found a link to her video on YouTube, and she told me that she had recorded the song and her brother in law had made the video.

This made my day! I am so happy to finally have this song whenever I want to listen to it! I think it is so beautiful, and absolutely fitting for mothers of little ones.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

With Love,

Sunday, May 2, 2010

A few things.

I have a few things on my mind.

1. I hate, HATE when movies are portrayed one way, so you go in to it with certain expectations, and then you are let down tremendously. For example, Defendor and the Informant! were both portrayed in the trailers as COMEDIES... however, Defendor was actually quite sad-not funny at all, and the Informant! went nowhere and I don't think Husband or I laughed once. Very disappointing.

2. I really dislike movies about Demons or demonic things, as well as evil people... like rapists, serial killers, you know, people doing awful disgusting things to other people... especially children. WHY IS THIS ENTERTAINMENT???

3. I think it's really sad and terrifying how trusting people are here. They don't watch where their children are, they let them roam everywhere, and often just trust someone else has the same morals and values as them, and that their children will be alright. It scares me, honestly. I don't like it.

4. I think every woman needs to learn self defense... REAL self defense. I was watching Ruby the other day, and she went to an MMA fighter to learn self defense. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I want to learn to defend myself. Anyone else out there want to go with me? Or know of a good place that's not just some dude in a lot of padding that attacks you from obvious angles?

5. I want a gun. I mean, I want to be safe. But I'm seriously considering getting my concealed permit. I know, who would have ever thought I would want that?

6. I have a strong desire to learn just about everything. I have this thirst for knowledge. I want to know more than one language fluently, and I want to know things like how the economy really works, and how to fix my car.

7. I want to succeed in what I set my mind to. I want to help support my family, without compromising staying home with my little one.

8. Husband and I talk about the what if's a lot. Last night I asked him "What if we can't have any more children?" And do you know what he said? "There are plenty of children in the world who need a good home. I think we could adopt a child and be just as happy as if he were our own." I almost cried. He is so wonderful.

9. Why is it that so many people can't look past one thing and see the good in people? There is good everywhere you look, but sometimes you have to look harder than other times. But it's still there.

10. I wish forgiveness was easier. It breaks my heart to see people carrying around grudges and anger, when it feels so good to let it go.

11. Today Ez climbed out of his playpen after his nap was over at PaPa's house. He is fearless.

12. I love it so much when Ez wants to cuddle with me. I feel bad when Husband wants to hug him, but he wiggles free and asks for me. But, I secretly like it too. I miss when he was so tiny and he would fall asleep on my chest and lie there for hours and hours. In fact, those wee hours of the morning when he would wake in the middle of the night were my favorite, because it was just him and me while everyone else was sleeping, and I could sing to him, and we would have a very special little moment. There is something so amazing about your baby lying on your chest. I feel safe, and I feel so loved. It's amazing, and I have to admit, I miss it.

13. Ez is hilarious. He makes me laugh daily. Even when he's shouting and not getting his way, he is still the most beautiful, amazing person I have ever known in my life.

14. My PaPa was my best friend. He was also the only father I had ever known. So, when he died, I lost three people: My grandfather, my father and my best friend. It was excruciating to say good bye, and I honestly think about him every day. It's been 5 years, and though the pain isn't as severe, when I do think about him, it comes flooding back and the ache is so strong. When I see my son sitting in his Great Papa's chair, I cry thinking that I never got to witness two such wonderful and special people in my life interact. My Papa would have loved my little one, and my little one would have loved his Great Papa. But, it comforts me to think they spent time together before Ez came to this world. They are good friends. I just know it. Maybe it's a silly thought, but it comforts me. I am crying right now as I type. I seriously miss him so much. Is it weird that I still have his old phone number in my cell phone? I still go to call him sometimes. I need to stop.

15. My husband remains my rock in this life. He is so amazing. He supports me...every crazy idea I have, he supports me.

16. Heavenly Father loves me. He loves you. He cares for us and our welfare, even when at times we don't think He does. He wants us to be happy, but also knows that the hard times are necessary for our growth. Rely on the Savior and His ability to heal you. Rely on His strength when you feel weak. Rely on Him when you feel strong too, and when the hard times come, they will seem easier. They don't go away, but they do seem easier. Everything is possible with the help of God and His son.

17. Even though there are times when I feel so low, I know... I'm fully aware of how blessed I am. I live in the United States, where I have so many freedoms that I take for granted. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ to answer a lot of the questions that I have about what this life means and where I am going after this life is over. I have a very loving family and family-in-law. I have a son who is healthy, smart, loving, kind, caring, and beautiful. I have a husband who finds me attractive, and loves me unconditionally. He treats me so well. So many women don't have that. I am so blessed to have that. My heart is just so full.

18. I have wonderful friends. I can't say enough about how much I love my friends. They make me pretty happy.

19. I really want to recycle. I hate liter. I really don't like it when I see people litter. It bothers me a lot.

20. I really want to take a road trip. I want to go back to Chico. I miss it a lot.

21. I love Reed's Extra Ginger Beer. It is amazing.

22. I kind of hate facebook for the most part.

23. I love being able to take photographs. I think photography is so beautiful. I respect those who put things out in to the world that is truly art. I love that you can capture a moment and prove to others that the world is beautiful and good.

24. I want to do good in this world. I want to help others. I want to contribute something of worth in this world. When I was in high school I wanted to join the peace corps. I moved to Utah instead. ha ha.

25. It makes me really sad when I lose contact with people who I was close to at one point. When friends grow apart or just decide they don't need me in their lives anymore... makes me so sad and confused. I have a hard time letting go. I don't like the thought that people don't like me. I know you can't please everyone, but it still makes me so sad to know that I'm not liked.

26. I love my mother. She is so generous and good. She means well and loves me so much. I love seeing her with Ez. They bring each other so much happiness. It's beautiful to see.

27. I am really glad that I found my father. I felt I needed to find him, and, well that's a different story entirely, but I just am so grateful to finally have him in my life. He is trying so hard to make up for all the lost time. 28 years without him, and now I feel that hole is filled. Finally. It wasn't that everyone else wasn't enough, but I think that everyone feels the need and the want to know where they come from. I am lucky that he wanted to be in my life. He embraced it. I am so grateful. I was so scared he wouldn't.

28. I am so grateful that I was able to find the answers to Ez's health problems. I was so scared. We tried so long to have him, and to watch him lose weight and become so sick, without seemingly anything really causing it, was terrifying. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for leading me in the directions to find the answers to my questions. I'm also thankful that I was able to listen well enough to follow. Now I have a healthy, vibrant, thriving child who is one of the loves of my life.

29. I want to be done with school... not like, never want to learn again, but I want us to be done with the required stuff so we can figure out where we are going to live and what we are going to do, and just do it. I am tired of living in rental apartments and dealing with the stress of the where's and when's. I just want it to be over!

30. I worry about everything. I am a bit of a hypochondriac, and worry constantly that something is seriously wrong with me... I worry about dying... not so much of what will happen to me, but what will happen to my family. I don't want us to be a part. I worry what will happen if I died. Husband would have a very hard time. Ez... well, I don't even want to think about it. It scares me. I love my little family and our little life. Even when it is hard and it feels downright sucky, my life is good, and I am so happy.

That was a lot. I had a lot on my mind. Husband often finds it fascinating that I can have so much in my brain at once... yeah, I'm a little crazy.

Goodnight friends.

With Love,