tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996123156547886872024-03-06T01:23:25.131-05:00Sustaining SusanSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.comBlogger154125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-70887274209928835692013-04-16T02:36:00.000-04:002013-04-16T02:36:02.844-04:00Mommy, are monsters real?I can't keep track of how many times my 5 year old has asked me this question. And I have always told him, "No honey, Monsters aren't real."<br />
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At least not the kind of monsters he is talking about. How do you tell your children that? How do you explain to them that though Vampires, witches, werewolves, and closet monsters don't exist, that real living, breathing monsters do, without terrifying them? How do you tell them that real monsters don't look like the Frankenstein monster, but disguise themselves as people? How do you tell them that without making them frightened of every single stranger in the world? Without making them so fearful that they turn and run as fast as they can screaming "Stranger danger!" every time a new person says hello to them.<br />
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The truth is, I am VERY leery of people whom I don't know. So leery in fact, that I have to bite my lips sometimes in crowds. How do I not project that fear and mistrust on to my children, but still keep them safe and appropriately fearful?<br />
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When I was a little girl, I remember feeling afraid a lot. I thought that when I was an adult I would be so much braver. As a matter of fact, as time has marched on and I have grown, I have actually become more afraid. I no longer fear that there is a monster hiding under my bed, but because I am now aware of what goes on in the world, from watching the news or hearing stories from friends, I realize that I am afraid of a lot more than I ever was as a child. And when I had children, those anxieties heightened. <br />
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This morning, we all heard about the bombings in Boston at the Marathon. This was nationwide news. It was horrible. But this morning, one of my worst fears happened just blocks away from my house. A little girl was walking alone to school, and she disappeared. Her parents didn't find out she was missing until she didn't show up at home when school let out. Today, the nation witnessed what real monsters are capable of, and we as a community, on a smaller scale, are worried that another monster has turned up in our neighborhood and is preying on our children. I do not know if she was taken, but that is usually how the story goes. And it is what is on every parent's mind in our town tonight.<br />
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I feel like crying. I feel so helpless. I feel like that little girl I used to be, afraid of the dark and scared at every little noise I hear. How do we keep our children safe, without locking them inside the house and insisting they hold our hands until they are thirty?<br />
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Hug your children closer. Turn off the distractions. Be present in the moment. Cherish it. Because right now, there are families all over the world who are wishing and praying to have that opportunity with their children again. Fearful families who don't know what has happened to their little ones, and are terrified that their worst fears have come true. That they might not ever see their children alive again.<br />
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Are monsters real? Yes. Yes they are.<br />
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<br />Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-40503502268549464122013-03-22T18:45:00.000-04:002013-03-22T18:45:02.015-04:00What a long, strange trip it has beenIt seems like just yesterday I was bemoaning my infertile existence and begging God to give me another chance at pregnancy and the beautiful, peaceful birth that I so desperately wanted for my second (if I ever got one) child, because I allowed my anxiety to talk me out of it the first go around.<br />
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In May, at the very end of it, I got pregnant and somehow didn't realize it. You can see the post before this one to understand WHY I didn't realize it. I FELT pregnant, but let Doctors, Nurses and specialists tell me otherwise... Moving on.<br />
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I found out in October that not only was I pregnant, I was expecting another little miraculous boy, AND would be welcoming said boy in to the world in 4 1/2 short months.<br />
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I started preparing myself for a peaceful birth with a midwife and a doula with Hypnobabies. I surrounded myself with positivity and good energy. I was ready for this. I would dream about my birth and it was always so easy. One minute he was inside me, the next, he was out.<br />
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I photographed myself every single week from the moment I found out, something I didn't ever do with my first. I was SO HAPPY to finally be given this opportunity to raise another beautiful child that God had trusted me with. But I was still in a state of unbelief. How, after all these years and prayers could this be real?<br />
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I told myself, as my "due date" approached that it was okay if I went over. People go over 40 weeks ALL THE TIME and have healthy babies and CAN and DO push those bigger babies out. I listened to my positive affirmations of the birth that I wanted, and practiced my hypnosis. In the back of my mind something started to creep in though... The baby would be born via c-section. My dream of my perfect birth would not happen for me. I pushed that thought away, thinking that my anxiety was setting in, and told myself not to let those negative thoughts take root. Then I started to feel something different... The chord was wrapped around the baby's neck. TWICE. He wouldn't drop.<br />
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Now this is a very SPECIFIC feeling that I had, but I have to let you know something, my first had the same thing. The chord was wrapped around his neck twice, but I never went in to labor, so there was never any indication of distress or problems because of it.<br />
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I told myself that I was just scared of it happening again and tried (a little less successfully) to push those thoughts out of my mind.<br />
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Things went on normally. It was a fairly easy pregnancy all the way around. I was HUGE, but thankfully just in my belly. As the days pressed on, I was becoming increasingly nervous of the size of baby #2. The closer I got to week 40, the more those thoughts seemed to creep back in to my mind. C section... Chord wrapped around his neck...<br />
<br />
On the day before I reached week 41, I had an appointment set up for a non-stress test and an AFI, (which is an ultrasound to measure the baby and the amniotic fluid). I didn't want to go. I woke up that morning just adamantly not wanting to go. BUT, even though I was reassured by my husband that it would be fine if I skipped it, those thoughts sneaked back in and I felt like, Better safe than sorry. So I went.<br />
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The non stress test was first, and we passed with flying colors. Then I had the AFI, and I was actually excited to get another look at my baby before we went through the birth together. The tech measured him at 9 lbs 8 oz, and sent me in to see the midwife. I met with someone I didn't really know very well, and she mentioned that I had more fluid than normal, and that the water looked a little cloudy. She was most concerned about the amount of fluid that I had, saying something along the lines of, "borderline too much..." or something to that effect. She told me that the cloudy fluid wasn't a big concern because at a week overdue, babies often pass merconium in to the water. She wanted to talk to the doctor about what my options were. I refused a cervical check though, and she wasn't pleased about it.<br />
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A few hours later, I got a phone call telling me that the doctor and on call midwife thought things looked fine.<br />
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That night, I slept pretty well for pregnant sleep. The next day I woke up late and felt really tired and a little weak, and somewhat off. I had a nap a little later that day, and when I woke up, I still felt weird and tired, but I started to feel contractions, and they were starting to get consistent. I got excited thinking that perhaps that was why I was so tired and had slept so well, because my body was telling me to get ready for a marathon of labor. I texted my doula and my birth photographer to give them a heads up that today might be the day. The excited texts rolled back in from the both of them, and I started to feel really excited... but still a bit out of sorts. I blamed it on being nervous about the upcoming labor and delivery.<br />
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Husband and I decided to go out to dinner that night just the two of us, since my mother was in town and was willing to watch Z for us. So, off we went, and my contractions were not a real big deal, but were getting closer together. At this point, I had been having steady contractions for about 4 hours, but still felt a long way off because they were so far apart, and were really mild. Dinner at Outback was at 9pm and throughout dinner they started getting a little more serious, and a little closer together, but still very VERY tolerable. We smiled at eachother through dinner when I would have another one, excitement building between us that this really was it.<br />
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When we left the restaurant it was around 10 or 10:15. Husband called his sister to make arrangements for me to labor up at her house, because they had a jetted tub, and she had offered it to me a few weeks before. We went home to pack our hospital bags and get my labor clothes and were planning to head up asap. I got on the computer and was trying to figure out the new layout on itunes to create a hypnobabies playlist, (admittedly something I should have done beforehand) and after about 20 minutes of me cursing apple and swearing like a sailor in frustration, I felt a small burst and immediately knew that my water had broken. I stood up as fast as possible and ran in to the hallway so that I wouldn't get the carpet anymore messy than I already had. I felt a HUGE gush of fluid leave my body and pour down my legs, filling my shoes. I let out a yelp, and my mom and husband came running. They were so excited. I looked down at my shoes and at the trail I had left from the computer to the hall and knew immediately that something wasn't right.<br />
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It looked like straight blood.<br />
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I knew it couldn't possibly be JUST blood, that there was amniotic fluid in there too, but at that point I had witnessed 4 women's waters break, and not one of them looked like that. I called Sherri, my doula and, (as calmly as I could) explained the situation to her. She reassured me that sometimes there is blood in the fluid and not to worry so much. She told me get cleaned up and to the hospital as soon as I could, because while I was on the phone with her, I had had 2 contractions, and she knew that they were coming pretty fast at this point. I got in the tub to rinse off, and another HUGE gush of fluid came out, I looked down, and this time it looked to be only blood. I kept telling myself that things were fine, but I knew they weren't. Husband kept reassuring me that things were okay, but I knew he had never seen someone's water break, and didn't know that this didn't look right.<br />
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Another gush.<br />
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I got dried off, and put on one of the adult diapers I had purchased for my postpartum bleeding, and husband ran out to put towels and plastic bags down on the seats in the car. My mom helped me get dressed in my sarong, and got me different shoes to wear. As I walked out to the car, I felt 2 or 3 more huge gushes and could tell that the diaper had filled to capacity already. As I sat down in the car, I knew that if it kept coming out like that that the car seats would be ruined.<br />
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It is a 15-20 minute drive to the hospital I was delivering at, and I have never seen my husband drive so fast in my life, or run red lights before... But he did because I could tell he thought I was going to have the baby in the car. My contractions were now about a minute and a half apart, and they were getting intense! I was on the phone with Sherri, my doula, most of the way up there, and the blood kept pouring out of my body. By the time we got to the hospital, blood and fluid were running down and pooling at my feet, and the towel, my sarong, and my diaper were all saturated.<br />
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A nurse was coming out as my husband ran in to look for a wheelchair. She came over to help, and when she opened the door and saw the blood I looked at her face. It went pale. She smiled and stayed calm, but I knew my suspicions were correct. Something was wrong. She got me in the wheelchair while husband parked the car. She raced through the lobby, while I apologized profusely for the mess I was making. The entire time, blood and fluid were just pouring from my body, leaving a very scary looking trail behind us. She got me on the elevator so fast, and then in on to the labor and delivery floor as fast as her legs could push me. Sherri was waiting for me in the waiting area. She smiled and I tried to smile back. I was scared. They raced me to my room, and the nurses came in. Christa, who is an RN at the hospital was my nurse at that point, and I saw her face too. Everyone of those nurses who came in took one look at me, and my soiled clothing and towels and I could tell they knew something was up. Sherri looked at me, and said, "Wow, Susan you weren't kidding. This is a lot of blood." But she stayed calm. She didn't seem worried to me, and that helped calm me down. At this point there were a lot of nurses in my room, and they had hooked me up to monitors and were asking me all sorts of questions. My husband ran in to the room and told me he found me by following the trail of blood. I am not kidding when I say it looked like a murder scene.<br />
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Pretty soon, I started seeing knowing glances across the room, and then Christa said something about a c-section. I looked at her and asked why? She told me that the baby was in distress and that she just wanted to prepare me for that option. I couldn't believe it because my contractions were now a minute apart and they were crazy hard. Sherri was pretty sure that I was ready to push that baby out any second now. She asked me if I felt the need to push. I didn't.<br />
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Then Christa pulled the oxygen mask out and placed it on my face. My nightmares were coming true. The baby was in trouble, and I was freaking out that he was going to die. Again, in that moment of frantic realization that things were getting hairy, I felt what I had been pushing out of my mind again, very clearly.<br />
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The baby's chord is wrapped around his neck twice. He won't drop. This will end in a c-section. <br />
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They had me turn on my side. More questions. More paperwork to sign. At some point Ginger, our birth photographer showed up. Faster, harder contractions.<br />
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Sherri asked if someone could check me so we could know how dilated I was. Christa said no. We had to wait for the midwife to show up to do that because they didn't want to risk infection since my water had already broken. The wait for the midwife to show up felt like an eternity because I was worried about the baby, and the contractions were crazy fast and intense. Not to mention, I still felt a ton of fluid leaving my body, and I knew I was losing a lot of blood.<br />
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Christa turned to me and gave me an option. I could continue laboring until the midwife came and assessed everything, or I could get a shot to stop contractions so that we could have the c-section. I didn't know what to do. I looked at Sherri, she told me there was no turning back if I got the shot, but that it was my call. We both looked at husband. He didn't know what to do either. I had two or three more contractions and then turned to Christa and said, I know I need a c-section. Give me the shot. It was so clear in my mind, but still so scary. They started prepping me for surgery. She gave me the shot. It did NOT stop my contractions. About 3 minutes later, the midwife and my doctor, (head of the clinic) came through the door. I saw their faces. Wide eyed and knowing. Christa looked at them, with the same knowing look on her face, and I knew that they didn't want to scare me.<br />
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The midwife checked me, and I was dilated to a ONE. I thought to myself, I can't go on like this. There is no way that I can make it through labor if I am only at a one. Dr. Parker walked over to me and started out by saying something like, "I know this isn't the VBAC you wanted..." I interrupted him and said, with tears running down my face, "Dr. Parker, my baby is in distress. I want him out alive. Let's do the c-section. I don't care about what kind of labor I have. I just want my baby to be okay." He said okay, and told them to prep some blood in case I needed a transfusion, and then they wheeled me out of the room, and in to the OR which was a short jaunt down the hall.<br />
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I said my goodbyes to Sherri who got the call that her own daughter was in labor too, and she was needed at home to attend her birth as the midwife. I was so grateful that she had been a calming presence to me during a very emotional and scary time in my life.<br />
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My husband had to stay behind and get prepped for the OR and I had to go and get the IV's and spinal block alone. I was terrified. My entire body was shaking. I could not control my sobbing. I was so worried about the baby.<br />
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<br />
In came husband. They wouldn't let our photographer in the OR, much to my disappointment. I so wanted to get my husband's face captured when he first saw our little boy. I wanted these moments captured. Our worry, our elation, everything.<br />
<br />
We sat there together, holding hands and I stared in to my loving husband's eyes, terrified, and waiting to hear that first cry. I was still shaking uncontrollably. I felt the doctor and midwife shaking my body and pushing on my diaphragm to get the baby down and out. It all felt so violent. (And trust me I would feel all that pushing and pulling in a few days). Then, after what seemed like an eternity, we heard the doctor say, "He's out!" And we waited for that cry...<br />
<br />
And we waited...<br />
<br />
I said, "What is happening?! Why isn't he crying?!"<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to us, sirens and alarms were calling all staff in to the OR. The baby wasn't breathing.<br />
<br />
No one answered me. I asked again a little louder. "WHAT IS HAPPENING?! WHY ISN'T HE CRYING?!"<br />
<br />
Finally the nurse said, "He has a mask over his face, that's why you don't hear anything."<br />
<br />
Then we heard it... Not a cry, but a woman counting. She was doing chest compressions on my baby. She was performing CPR on my brand new baby because he wasn't breathing. Was he dead? I couldn't see anything, and I have to tell you that my husband and I sat there waiting to hear that cry.<br />
<br />
Then we heard him. He let out a whimper. Then he let out a real cry. We looked at each other and relief and joy came out in tears.<br />
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There were so many people in that OR, rushing around. No one really talked to me about anything. I would find out later that he was born with an apgar score of 1. That after a few minutes his score went up to a 5, and it kept going up. But he wasn't breathing right. They ordered him to the nursery to be monitored, and I knew at that moment it would be a long time before I would be able to hold him.<br />
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Husband went over and took some pictures and they finally let our photographer in to capture a few more,<br />
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<br />
and then they bundled him up and brought him over to me. I kissed his face and showered him in my tears for about 15 seconds before they whisked him away again.<br />
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My arms ached. I wanted to hold him close to me. To tell him all that I had planned to tell him in those first few minutes I would have with him after the birth. How we had waited for him, how happy we were to have him, how perfect he was... And I couldn't. I longed to be near him and any separation felt like agony throughout my entire body. Every part of me hurt and shook. I wanted to scream out so that I could get the emotional anguish out of my body. Husband left with the baby and I was left alone again with the hospital staff. I cried. I was inconsolable. I felt so empty and so alone. I didn't know if he was okay. I actually thought, what if he dies and I am not there? What if he never gets to feel my arms around him?<br />
<br />
Time slowed to a halt and each minute that ticked by felt like an eternity. Finally they finished with me in the OR and wheeled me back to the delivery room to monitor me for the next hour. Christa was there and told me what had happened. My placenta had abrupted, which means that it was starting to pull away from the uterus. That is what caused the massive amount of blood loss, and the hard contractions. She told me she knew immediately when she saw me what was going on, but had hoped that she was wrong.<br />
<br />
Then Husband came back to me to reassure me that the baby was okay but that he was hooked up to breathing machines and was on an IV in the NICU, and would have to stay there for a while. But that he was okay, and was already doing much better than he was.<br />
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<br />
Dr. Parker came in to check on me and talk to us. He is such a kind, gentle man. He has delivered over 8,000 babies in his career, and I was so relieved when I saw his face come through the door with the midwife while I was in labor. He talked to me about counting my blessings and not worrying so much about the loss of my perfect birth. He spoke of a family who was burying their tiny baby because he had been stillborn earlier that week. He was attending the funeral later that day. He said through my tears and sobbing that we were lucky to live in the time of modern medicine because if we lived during the time of the pioneers, my husband would be burying both me and the baby that day. Instead, he told us, I was alive, and things were under control, and the baby, though in the NICU and not in my arms, would pull through just fine.<br />
<br />
He told me also that the baby's chord WAS wrapped around his neck twice, and that the murkiness of the water from the day before was probably a little blood because the placenta was probably starting to pull away the day before. But he also said that the baby didn't appear to have gone very long without oxygen, as the umbilical chord was not flat or strained.<br />
<br />
Finally, after many "Thank you, Dr. Parker for saving my life and the life of my son" and "I thank God you were here and that things are alright" He left, and Husband went down to the NICU to be with the baby. I was wheeled down to my new room, and then they wheeled my bed in to the NICU so that I could see my baby.<br />
<br />
I couldn't hold him. I could only hold his hand. He was hooked up to so many monitors and he had IV's and wires all over. He had a CPAP mask on his face, so I couldn't see him very well, but he could see me, and our eyes met, and he looked so lovingly at me. I spoke what I could get out, and told him how much I loved him. I cried because I just wanted to hold his little body in my arms.<br />
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When we left, it felt like someone took an ax and cut me in half. I felt so broken. Emotionally, physically...BROKEN. My heart ached for my son who just wanted his mommy.<br />
<br />
That first night was horrific. I sobbed and sobbed until I couldn't anymore. Then the numbness would set in, and that is when I could muster the ability to post updates on facebook. Things like, "Will update when I know more..." were all I could get out, because I was just so lost as to what was REALLY happening.<br />
<br />
I went in to see him once I could stand up and move from the bed to a wheel chair, but I still couldn't hold him.<br />
<br />
Finally, at 11am, (10 hours after I delivered) I got to hold my son for the first time.<br />
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It was magic. I fell in love so instantly. He was beautiful. I knew he was perfect. He had an oxygen tube coming out of his nose, and an IV in one of his little hands, and wires monitoring everything from his heartrate to his oxygen levels to his blood pressure to his body temperature. But he was whole. He was intact. He was perfect.<br />
<br />
I cannot even put in to words what it felt like to hold him for the first time. This perfect little person in my arms, fresh from Heaven. It was like the sky opened and I felt the Savior with me. He was holding me while I was holding my little baby. The baby that I had prayed for. The baby that I longed to hold the moment I realized I wanted another baby. The baby that I had carried in my body. The baby whose eyes reflected my eternal life as a mother. The baby that our Heavenly Parents had entrusted me with. The joy was immeasurable.<br />
<br />
When I finally put him down and was again wheeled away from him, the joy seemed to stay behind with my new son, and grief and guilt began to settle inside of me in it's place.<br />
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I was the reason all of this was happening. My own ideas of what birth should be like prevented me from hearing the clear revelation that Heavenly Father was giving me. My pride shrugged it off as anxiety and I had CHOSEN to ignore it continue to pursue something that I was told would end up this way. I wasn't just broken anymore. I was shattered in to a million indiscernible pieces, and felt as though I would NEVER be able to pick myself up and put myself back together again. It was all my fault. My son was needlessly suffering because I had been so headstrong in my desire to have this "PERFECT BIRTH" instead of opting at week 40 for the elective c-section that would have prevented all of this separation and turmoil for both me and the baby. At week 40 he would have been just fine, I told myself. The placenta was still intact at week 40. This all could have been prevented.<br />
<br />
I sat alone in my inconsolable state, unable and unwilling to express what I was feeling. And then I told my husband, and he told me not to blame myself, because even with those promptings it would seem a little strange to just think that you should opt out of the VBAC. Anyone would assume it was their trepidations about the birth, and that he doubted that anyone would think that another c-section would truly be what was best for a baby versus a natural, drug-free delivery... I felt a little better. But admittedly, not much.<br />
<br />
The pediatrician came in to talk to me around 2 that day and told me that he wanted me to start breastfeeding, because he thought that it would be good for both me and the baby to bond and to spend more time together. I was elated. I went down the hall to the NICU as soon as I could and held my son in my arms and held him close while he nursed. The joy came back, along with a peaceful feeling that all was as it should be, and that I did nothing wrong. Of course, those feelings only lasted while I was with my son. They quickly disappeared once I left him... Which is why I wanted to be in the NICU with him as much as possible. Something that I couldn't really explain to people who insisted that I get more rest than I was getting... (also that is laughable given that as soon as my eyes would close, another nurse or hospital worker would pop in for something... Resting at a hospital is impossible)!<br />
<br />
Sherri called me the next day to see how everything had gone and how I was feeling and to find out what had happened to cause so much blood. We talked for a while, and I explained to her how I had felt so guilty, and she told me to stop. She said that those promptings were Heavenly Father's way of preparing me to make the decision to get the c-section quickly. That if I hadn't had those promptings beforehand, we would have lost precious minutes that could have been the difference between life and death for the baby. That those feelings were blessings and not meant to torture me. I HAD listened to them, and that had allowed me to know exactly what to do the MOMENT I needed to know what to do. I felt so much better after that conversation. I knew I was looking at things the wrong way.<br />
<br />
The next day, Christa came to check on me. I thought it was so thoughtful that she had cared enough about my situation to come and see how we were doing. I was glad to see her. She told me that she couldn't stop thinking about me and all that had happened. She also told me about another miracle that had happened the night I was wheeled in to that hospital that I didn't know about...<br />
<br />
The labor and delivery floor was empty of patients with one exception... ME. I was the only patient that night at that time, and this allowed all the nurses and caregivers to prepare everything and get me in to the OR as fast as possible, and to take care of the baby without worrying about neglecting someone else. There were no other people distracting them from the task of getting my son out alive. I knew right then and there that God was looking out for us. How on EARTH is it possible that in the middle of UTAH COUNTY, UTAH (the birth capital of the USA-ask anyone) there was a hospital that had an EMPTY labor and delivery ward?!<br />
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On Monday, they released our son to be in our room with us. They had taken him off of oxygen and he was doing well enough that the pediatrician on call was willing to give him the OK to room with us for the rest of the time. I was ELATED! No more separation! No more having to walk away from my baby.<br />
<br />
We called his brother, who had been so anxiously anticipating his brother's arrival, that finally after 2 days, he would be able to hold him and not have to wave at him through a glass window. He was so excited. Truthfully, the only thing that ever cheered me up while I was in the hospital were my daily visits from Z and my visits to the NICU. The entire experience had made me want nothing more that to wrap my children in my arms and never let them go. They are truly the most incredible gifts I have ever been given.<br />
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I called our birth photographer, Earthside Birth Photography and she agreed to come down to the hospital for a little family session that night. I was so happy. My baby was going to be just fine. All the prayer requests had worked. My wonderful friends and family had banded together to think on and pray for our little dude, and he was doing so well!<br />
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Ginger captured some beautiful moments for our family, and I cannot thank her enough for her time and talents.<br />
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The next day, was the day before we were scheduled to leave the hospital. We were taking a nap in the afternoon, and the nurses came in to do one of their frequent checks of me and the baby. All of a sudden, they told me after listening to his breathing while he was asleep that they wanted to take him down to the nursery to be monitored because he was breathing funny. I was terrified. I started crying and could no longer rest for a second knowing that he was out of my arms reach for an undetermined amount of time.<br />
<br />
I called down to the nursery and they told me that he was losing oxygen while he slept and that it was necessary to run some tests. They had hooked him back up to oxygen and had done a chest x-ray and blood work. About an hour later I walked down to the nursery myself and wanted to know what the news was. The x-ray had come back clear, and so had the bloodwork, meaning he didn't have pneumonia or any other infection and wouldn't need antibiotics, (something I feared would be needed, and which would require a longer hospital stay for him after we were released). The truth was, they weren't sure why he was losing oxygen, other than his lungs might be irritated because he had inhaled blood from the amniotic fluid in them, or because he was such a large baby and his lungs weren't strong enough to keep up with the demands of oxygen for him. But either way, it would clear up with a little time. But he HAD to stay in the NICU until we were released the next day. I was devastated. DEVASTATED. I didn't want to walk away from him. I didn't want to see him lying there reaching out to me, watching me turn my back on him and leave him with strangers. It was so hard. <br />
<br />
But, on the bright side, (everyone reminded me) he would be leaving with us and not staying behind after we were released.<br />
<br />
Peace came to me knowing that I had my husband next to me, there for everything I needed, and my oldest son was at home being cared for by his grandmother, and my newest son was being cared for by wonderful nurses in the NICU. I knew we were all in good hands. I tried to put my heart in the Savior's hands so that I could calm down and feel more peace. I did my best.<br />
<br />
The next day, we were told we couldn't leave until we learned infant CPR and our baby passed the home monitor test. We were talked to by every doctor and specialist and nurse there was it seemed. But I was so glad that we would be coming home to our little Z and we would be together forever from that moment on.<br />
<br />
We left the hospital, dragging an oxygen tank, and leaving a phone charger behind, (we got it back the next day) and on our way to meet the home healthcare worker at our house to get all the oxygen tanks and the monitor. That first night was daunting to say the least. So many wires and tubes to keep track of... But we were home, and we were together.<br />
<br />
He continues to improve every day. He is truly a miracle. And me? Well, emotionally I am doing a lot better, and spiritually I feel better too. I know that we have been provided for by Heavenly Father. The miracles that happened cannot be dismissed. And physically, I am doing great! It was a little dodgy there for a while. The pain was a little more severe than the last go around, given the crazy circumstances that happened, but all in all I am doing very well indeed.<br />
<br />
The baby is a super eater, and had surpassed his birthweight by the 6th day of his life, instead of the 2 weeks that the doctors hope for... And because of his enormous appetite, I was down to below my pre-pregnancy weight by the end of the first week!<br />
<br />
As for Z, well, he loves his baby brother more than words can express, and tries daily to get him to smile, which we continue to tell him won't happen for a little while. But that doesn't dash his spirits in the slightest. He is so happy to have his family all together...<br />
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And really, that's what it is all about, right? <br />
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With Love,<br />
Suz <br />
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<br />Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-36965583865958128222012-11-12T19:07:00.001-05:002012-11-12T19:07:57.534-05:00Q & AOkay, so a few people have asked me how on EARTH I could have possibly missed the signs that I was pregnant... I mean, "HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?!"<br />
<br />
Well, I assure you that I am not a total idiot, though questions like that tend to make me feel a bit like one.<br />
<br />
Here is my answer...<br />
<br />
I don't have regular periods, so the whole, "I missed my period! I'll take a test!" thing wasn't what popped in to my mind. In fact, it isn't unusual for me to go 5 or 6 months without having one. It's called PCOS, and it isn't pretty.<br />
<br />
I was EXTREMELY TIRED and VERY SICK, and both of those things were written off by my doctor as thyroid related as well as gallbladder related. No one ever thought it could be possible that I was pregnant. So, instead of taking a test, I was put on a thyroid medicine, and then a supplement, and was placed on gallbladder supplements to help control the heartburn and the nausea I was feeling.<br />
<br />
We went through two rounds of clomid and though the first one worked as planned, I didn't get pregnant from it. The second round of clomid, I was told by my doctor during the ultrasound, DID NOT WORK. So, there it was, why would I doubt the professional when he was looking at my ovaries and telling me there was no chance it would work that month? Turns out I got pregnant that month, from what my husband and I believe, was a delayed ovulation from the fertility treatments. So, I didn't expect my period to come. I didn't even second guess what I had been told.<br />
<br />
Now, there comes a point during pregnancy that you CANNOT DENY that something is different. And I felt those things. In fact, I told my husband numerous times that it felt like my boobs were getting bigger and that I had some kind of hard growth in my abdomen, and jokingly said that it felt like I was pregnant, because IT DID feel like I was pregnant, but I had NO INDICATION that that was even a possibility. It never occurred to me to take a test because I hadn't ovulated on my own in over 4 1/2 years, and I just had a doctor tell me that the clomid wasn't going to do it for me either! I just thought I felt crappy and something was seriously wrong with me.<br />
<br />
All of my symptoms, my doctors told me, were in line with my thyroid problem, and PCOS symptoms. No one even brought it up. I EVEN HAD A PELVIC EXAM BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER TO FIND OUT WHY IF IT WAS MY OVARIES THAT FELT GIGANTIC AND THE NP DIDN'T MENTION THAT THINGS DID IN FACT FEEL ODD DOWN THERE. She told me instead that everything seemed normal. Never mentioned a possibility that I was growing a tiny human.<br />
<br />
While I was on vacation, I swore I felt fluttering that felt like baby movements. I called my husband and told him that. I was also having MAJOR digestive issues at the time, (another pregnancy symptom) and thought it HAD TO JUST BE GAS, but could not deny that it felt like a baby and not like gas. My husband and I laughed about it. We even jokingly said, "If only that were a possibility... How cool would that be?!"<br />
<br />
It wasn't until I found a NEW AMAZING doctor's office, and an incredible Nurse Practitioner who had the bright idea to do blood work on my thyroid and my hormone levels to see where I was at that we made any kind of head way. She called me back with the lab results and told me to take the test. So I did, and sure enough I am pregnant. The ultrasound results came back and from what they can see, the baby looks healthy and is developing well.<br />
<br />
All I can say is that now, in hind sight I can look and see that I was experiencing my first trimester, and half of my second, but at the time, I was an emotional wreck because I had NO CLUE what was wrong with me. I remember telling my mom when she was out visiting in July that I had to find out what was wrong with me because I couldn't be the mom I wanted to be for Z if I felt like this for the rest of forever. I mean, I had no indication that it would ever end. I just knew that I felt like garbage and had no energy to do anything, and I was miserable. Of course now, I see that the fatigue was because of the pregnancy, and the stomach upset was also aggravated by the pregnancy...<br />
<br />
So, just to clarify, I'm not stupid. I just had so many people telling me it was something else. I was trying my hardest to listen to my body and figure out what was going on with it, but was somehow tuned out to it being pregnancy, even though things kept pointing to it.<br />
<br />
Now that we know, we are so happy. SO EXCITED. And for the love, please stop telling me I should be on that TLC show. <br />
<br />
Much Love,<br />
Susan<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-68924308123845618502012-10-30T23:30:00.000-04:002012-11-10T16:06:19.315-05:00A Year of ChangesI have SO MUCH to say right now. But I don't really know where to begin. I just read through the last year of blog posts. Some of them made me cry... reliving those horrible feelings. Feeling the heartache all over again. I want to start by saying that those feelings I expressed were REAL and VALID. Infertility is no joke. If you let it, it will consume you and try to destroy you. It is a hard road to walk, and I don't wish it on any good person.<br />
<br />
Wow. I really don't know what to say. Perhaps I will start with how happy I am right now. Right this instant. Today is my son's 5th birthday. We have spent the entire weekend celebrating him, and it continued today. He is such a wonderful child. He truly makes my life happy. He is so helpful, so kind and so loving. He is a considerate, thoughtful, and amazing little boy who has left me awestruck on a number of occasions. He is just so good. The fact that I have been a mother for 5 years to the coolest kid I have ever met is enough to make anyone happy. But for me, it just leaves me breathless.<br />
<br />
Dear Z,<br />
<br />
You are so wonderful. You are everything that daddy and I asked Heavenly Father for and more. You have brought so much more love and happiness to our family than we ever knew possible. You have given us the incredible gift of you. I have loved these past 5 years, and I can't wait to see what you do this year. I love watching you grow and learn. But it does make my heart ache a little, because I know that this is all moving too fast.<br />
<br />
I love you more than I can ever express. You are an angel.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Mommy<br />
<br />
It is amazing what emotions his birthday brings up every single year. The sheer excitement of his birth after years of trying. The immense love I felt for him so instantaneously. The utter gratitude I felt to my Heavenly Father for giving me such a blessing. And usually there is a twinge of sadness that I may never feel those feelings again... Until this year.<br />
<br />
Last Monday, I found out that I am pregnant. It came as a total and complete shock. I had gone in to the doctor the week before because I was having some thyroid issues and wanted to change my medicine. She ordered blood work, and it came back on Monday. She told me that my hormone levels were very high and indicative of pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe her. It had been 5 years and nothing, and she was going to tell me that I was PREGNANT and didn't even know it?! Yeah right.<br />
<br />
She told me to take a test and then call her back. So, I did begrudgingly. This is what I saw after 2 seconds.<br />
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<br />
I couldn't believe it. 5 years. And now, a baby. A BABY IN MY BELLY! And I had NO IDEA. All that time this summer that I felt so crummy because of what I thought was my thyroid turned out to be because I was pregnant. I had honestly given up, so I thought there was no feasible way that I could ever be carrying a baby.<br />
<br />
Two days later we went in as a family to the hospital for an ultrasound to determine how far along I am. The technician told us I was measuring at 22 weeks! 5 1/2 MONTHS and I never knew. 5 1/2 months of grieving something that I had the entire time. We also found out we are having a little boy. I am overcome with happiness again. We conceived sometime at the end of May/Beginning of June. I am due at the end of February! It has been one crazy week, I tell you!<br />
<br />
Tonight I am sitting here, pondering what this next year in our family's life will bring. It will bring a new baby. It will bring school for Z. It will bring all sorts of new dynamics for our family, and I say, "BRING IT ON!" We have a beautiful little boy whom we cherish, and another on the way whom we can't wait to meet. It will be amazing to see his little face for the first time. Just like it was when I saw Z's face for the first time. He will be perfect just like his brother.<br />
<br />
I feel abundantly blessed, and happy to know that the Lord does love me and care for me. He is looking out for my family and knows when the perfect time for all things is. I am so overcome with gratitude for my family and the ways in which the Lord has blessed us.<br />
<br />
Much Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-85892666602369614322012-05-28T00:47:00.002-04:002012-05-28T00:48:17.493-04:00I remain unbroken...When I am left alone with my thoughts, it is very rarely a good thing... Sure I have my moments of clarity and quiet reflection, but often it gives me too much time to dwell on things. The truth is, I feel broken. And what's worse is that I feel that it is my own fault that I am. I worry that my past has made me unable to plan my family. I think about those reckless days of my youth, fraught with eating disorders, no sleep, bad nutrition, OTC drug abuse, and artificial hormones in the form of birth control. Have I destroyed my body?<br />
<br />
But really, what use is it to worry about it? I mean, I can't change it, now can I? What is done is done. I have changed a lot. I no longer go out of my way to do things that are bad for me. I mean, yes of course I still eat the wrong things and don't exercise enough, but I don't try to hurt myself. The only thing I can do now is move forward, right? Just set my mind to refusing to make the same mistakes again and again.<br />
<br />
In April, I had a secret. I started fertility treatments. (I didn't tell anyone for fear of having to answer a LOT of questions that I didn't want to answer. Namely, having to break the news a thousand times that if it didn't work... That is always so hard on me). I began seeing a specialist up in Salt Lake City who wanted to start me on an aggressive amount of clomid and a steroid. I had let what I wanted, (a baby) decide for me to go against all that I feared about that drug and trust the doctor. I began taking my medication, and I suffered through the side effects, and went in for my ultrasound, only to find out that the clomid had been tremendously successful and I had TWO eggs that would ovulate that month. My chances looked very very good, the doctor told me. He was so happy that it had worked so well for me. He was very hopeful... and so was I. I left the doctor's office so elated and excited. I knew it would work... and what about TWINS?! What if we got twins? Wouldn't that be amazing?! (And scary)... Honestly, this was the first time I ovulated in over 5 years and I really thought it would just be that easy... I mean, the first time I ovulated when we were trying the first time to get pregnant was when we conceived.<br />
<br />
So Mr. Darling and I were sure this was our answer. We were sure I would get pregnant. And then, I started getting symptoms that I was. I was nauseated, I was so tired, I had heartburn (which I never really get except when I am pregnant) and a few other things that I won't mention... We were so excited. And then, I decided to take a test. I took it early, confident that it would be positive. My husband was out of town and I wanted to do something for when he came home... Like make a t-shirt for Z to wear that said "Big Brother" or something. Negative. I was crushed. But I told myself that it was still too early, and I had jumped the gun.<br />
<br />
The time came for me to take it (for real this time), but this time I was sure that the negative test had been correct. I took one anyway, this time with my sweetheart right there with me. Negative. I sat and watched my husband (who never really seems too affected by this sort of thing), openly cry, and say "I was so sure you were" and I lost it. I lost it for a while. I felt cheated and robbed, and well, quite stupid.<br />
<br />
I also didn't like how I felt on the medication. I decided that we would give it one more try and if it didn't work then we would stop.<br />
<br />
So this month I took it again. But this month, I felt different. I felt much less hopeful... In fact, I felt the opposite of hopeful. I felt like it wasn't going to work at all. Back up to SLC I drove for another ultrasound only to find out that the clomid had stopped working all together. My body wasn't responding to it anymore. I had not produced a single viable egg this month. I was devastated. Again. <br />
<br />
I took both of these much harder than I thought I would. I honestly thought I was stronger. I honestly believed that I could remain unaffected if it didn't work. I thought that I had reached a point where I would be okay if it didn't work. And both times I felt like I would break in half it hurt so badly.<br />
<br />
Even now, after 4 days have gone by since the ultrasound, I have my moments where I just burst in to tears. It just feels so final.<br />
<br />
This morning, I woke up sick. I didn't make it to church, though I think I really could have benefited from it. I looked at the June issue of the <a href="http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012?lang=eng">Ensign</a> (which is an LDS church distributed magazine) still in the plastic that it was delivered in. I decided to sift through the pages to try and find something to help ease my broken soul. I flipped through the pages and landed on this:<br />
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<br />
I was sitting on the couch next to Mr. Darling, and he must have heard me gasp because he looked over at me just as I started weeping. He put his hand on my back, and I sobbed, "I was not expecting that." It was an answer to the ache I felt. Just seeing those words on the page brought me more comfort than I can even express. It was as though the Savior himself grabbed my face between his hands and said, "I know very well what you want. I know very well how you hurt. And I AM HERE." <br />
<br />
The article was beautifully written by a woman who suffered with infertility... She eventually went on to have three sons with her husband... It focused mainly on accepting the Lord's time frame in all things. Here is a link to read the article online... <a href="http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/06/learning-to-cope-with-infertility?lang=eng">Learning to Cope with Infertility By Carolynn R. Spencer</a><br />
<br />
She says some things that really hit close to home, like,<br />
"<i>...I cringed when I listened to women complain about their pregnancies or their children or the responsibilities of mothering. Didn't they realize how blessed they were? Didn't they realize that others longed to be in their shoes? Month after month, and then year after year, Tim and I rode waves of hope, only to feel them come crashing down when our dreams failed to materialize.</i>"<br />
<br />
Oh how I relate to that statement...<br />
<br />
She quoted Elder Neal A. Maxwell (who was an apostle in the LDS church until his death in 2004)<br />
"<i>The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?</i>"<br />
<br />
That touched me so deeply. Of course I've known this. I know it's His time, and not mine, but for some reason those words really opened my eyes today.<br />
<br />
She also referenced many women from the bible who suffered with infertility, and man did that help me tremendously... She said:<br />
<br />
"<i>...From Abraham's wife, Sarah, I learned that miracles do happen, that nothing is 'too hard for the Lord...From Isaac's wife, Rebekah, I learned that if my prayers weren't answered right away, I still needed to keep praying... From Zacharias's wife, Elisabeth, I learned that infertility was not God's punishment for imperfections, weaknesses, or unworthiness to be a mother...I learned from Hannah's despair that it makes no sense to let gratitude for the blessings we do have be crowded out by sorrow over the one thing we lack...From all of these women in the scriptures, I learned that I was not alone in my heartache; other women who had gone before knew just how I felt, and surely there were others surrounding me who knew as well. Most of all, the Savior knew; not only could He comfort me in my burden of sorrow, but He could ease it for me as Isaiah promised: 'Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.'...</i>"<br />
<br />
Talk about a brick to the face.<br />
<br />
This article wasn't written by a prophet, or an apostle. This article was written by a woman who knows the pain of infertility. But this was no less prophetic to me... This was a true answer to the desires of my heart. The Lord heard and answered me through this woman's words.<br />
<br />
The truth is, I don't know what the future holds for me. What I do know is that I have it in me to be okay with whatever it is. I have the ability in me to enjoy the ride and hope for the best. I also know that I am done with fertility treatments for a while. I don't want to do anything else to my body like that for a long time.<br />
<br />
You know what else? I know I'm NOT broken. I might be a little damaged. I have some scars, (emotional, physical and spiritual) but I remain unbroken. <br />
<br />
I remain unbroken.<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
Susan <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-393678083626314972012-03-15T02:53:00.000-04:002012-03-15T02:53:08.025-04:00CH-CH-CH-CHANGESHello again, my little old blog.<br />
<br />
I have much to report. Where to begin? I guess I should probably pick up where that last blog post left off.<br />
<br />
For about 3 or 4 (or maybe more) months, (most of them leading up to that blog post) I was feeling really down, and I wasn't entirely sure why. Truth is, I didn't call anyone or make any kind of effort to keep in touch. Facebook was pretty much the only thing I stayed current on, and that was mostly because it was much easier to write a small status update than call someone and sound pitiful. I was lonely, and sad about a number of things, one of those things being that I want to get pregnant. But, no matter what I tried I couldn't shake it. No one called me really, and I didn't call anyone either. I just stayed in this little funk for a while.<br />
<br />
In November I got a lot of lab work done. I was starting to see if fertility treatments were a good option (I remain very nervous about them), and my doctor wanted to make sure he was covering all the bases. One of the tests came back that I was hypothyroid... BIG surprise... I mean, I only had EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM and didn't know it. So, I started taking herbs, and things started to get a little more even all the way around. I wasn't as tired, or as achy, but something was still off. In January, I was tested for Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Yup. I have it. It's an auto immune disorder that is the cause of my hypothyroid problems. My immune system actually ATTACKS my thyroid. It's all so lovely. But, with that news, also came great news! The herbs were working to manage my thyroid function. My thyroid was back in normal levels. I was pretty shocked.<br />
<br />
But what did the Hashimoto diagnosis mean? What else could I do about it? What did I need to change? I was overwhelmed. I looked online for answers, and became even more overwhelmed. There is SO much information out there, and a lot of it contradicts other info, and so on. But, there was one thing that I found that was across the board recommended and sounded like the answer I was looking for.<br />
<br />
The Paleo Diet. No grains (especially gluten!) No dairy, No refined sugar, No soy. What can I eat? A diet rich in omega 3's, fresh whole fruits, fresh whole vegetables, lean meat, (especially wild caught fatty fish) and nuts and seeds. I started immediately, and within 10 days I was down 12 pounds (I had been tip toeing around the same weight for years, no matter what I did). Not only was I losing weight, I was feeling better than I had in, well, better than I could ever remember feeling. It was a miracle.<br />
<br />
I am still following the Paleo Diet, though I will admit that tonight I did have a gluten free cupcake (I promise you this is the first taste of cane sugar I have had in two months, and I honestly feel like poo now because of it. Low energy, headache, blah. I won't make that mistake again). My energy levels are up, I feel pretty great most of the time, and I have lost a total of 26 pounds since January. It's pretty amazing.<br />
<br />
I just posted this picture comparison of when I started vs what I look like now on Facebook, but I'm going to post it here to document where I am in this.<br />
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My face is a lot less round now. It's great. My pants are getting to be too big, which kind of sucks, because I'm in between sizes right now. But the good news is that now I can work out because I actually feel well enough to do it! I want to keep going on this, because I want to be healthy.<br />
<br />
Then today, after thinking about it for weeks and months, I decided to cut my bangs. I am cheap though, (thanks to Mr. Darling) and I didn't want to pay someone just to cut my bangs, so what did I do? I remembered a LOOOOONG time ago in an Allure magazine there was a tutorial on cutting your own bangs. Ha ha. So from memory, I grabbed some hair (I carefully decided which hair, but you get the idea) placed my left thumb where it needed to be, and took some scissors and cut around it. Here is the result.<br />
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Not too shabby. I am happy with them. I feel attractive again. Which is a weird feeling because it's been a LONG time since I have felt that way. But, I'm losing weight and feeling better, and now I have cute bangs to help me feel even better!<br />
<br />
My 4 year old DID tell me that my hair looked crazy and funny after I cut it, but that's okay. I think those are compliments from him. Because after he said that, he told me that I looked beautiful. He's a funny duck.<br />
<br />
I am feeling better emotionally. Which is the most important thing. I have grieved and grieved from the infertility, and I have my ups and downs. My last down was just compacted by my thyroid, which has depression as one of it's generous side effects.<br />
<br />
Honestly, I just want answers. There is just so much up in the air right now, and it is hard. But, I feel optimistic for the first time in a while. I feel like things will work out. If I am not supposed to get pregnant again, I am okay with that. I just would like to know my plan B, and know that that coincides with Heavenly Father's plan too. It's just hard when you don't know what to do about anything.<br />
<br />
One thing remains sure in all this hullabaloo: I love my family. They are so wonderful. I couldn't get through any of this without those two.<br />
<br />
You know, I have liked a lot of boys in my life. Some I was so sure were something more than they ever were in my life, and I have dated some boys too that were more than they ever SHOULD have been in my life. But you know something? Mr. Darling is my soul mate. And no matter who those other boys were or are, what they meant to me at some point in my life, I wouldn't want ANY of them. Mr. Darling is without a doubt, 100% better for me than ANY of those other dorks were. In fact, once I met him, there was no comparison. He blew everyone else away. No one has ever respected me like he does. No one has ever taken care of me and loved me so completely as he does, and I don't WANT anyone else. I want him. I want ONLY him. I'm not saying I have guys lining up to have me or anything... I just mean that I thought I wanted certain things for so long, and then I met him, and he was a real game changer. He looked at me differently. He loved me immediately. He has taken care of me from day one, and he is only getting better at it. I feel like every other girl should be jealous of me because I have such an amazing man. I am so lucky.<br />
<br />
That was quite the tangent. But, what I mean is that, for me, in this entire universe, there is ONE person who is PERFECT FOR ME... and that is the person who I was lucky enough to find at 21 years of age, and who I was smart enough to marry 8 months later. My sweetheart has pulled me out of the fire so many times, and he shows no signs of stopping any time soon.<br />
<br />
So, I have made some big changes in my lifestyle over the last few months, but a few things remain constant in my life... namely, Mr. Darling and my increasing knowledge of the fact that we are MFEO.<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-60457653596732102032012-01-09T13:32:00.000-05:002012-01-09T13:32:04.534-05:00It's baaaaaack...This post is going to seem like a simpering, pity party, but I assure you I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. There are just days that I have to write it down or my feelings will eventually give me an anxiety attack... If you don't want to read this post, or are worried you won't know what to say or how to handle it, just please stop reading. I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, or feel like I am trying to get sympathy in any way. I assure you I am not.<br />
<br />
8 years ago, I wanted a baby. I knew I was supposed to have a baby. But, well, it just didn't work out like I had planned. Then almost 7 years ago, my grandfather who meant the world to me, died suddenly, around the same time that my husband and I started trying to have a baby, (a year after I decided I wanted to start trying).<br />
<br />
A few months later I would learn that I have infertility issues from the mouth of a fertility specialist, confirming what I already knew: My life will NEVER be how I planned it. No matter how much I thought things through, or made lists, or how many goals I wrote down, my life was not going to follow those plans. I wasn't going to be one of those people who thought, "Hmm, I would like to be a mother and get pregnant in two months and then have a baby nine months later and then have another child in exactly 24.6 months after the first baby was born...etc...etc..." And month after month I became more and more bitter about it as friend after friend became pregnant and I sat there crying on the toilet with another negative pregnancy test in my hands... weeping and cursing everything and everyone who didn't understand anything that I was going through.<br />
<br />
And things got dark for a while... I stopped going to church, found every excuse I could think of not to go, and started feeling betrayed by God too. And let me tell you, that is a lonely, desolate place to be in. There is no end of darkness in that pit, and it is hard to climb out... but eventually I did. Eventually.<br />
<br />
A year and a half went by, and somehow I had managed to find some sunshine to get me out of that rut. And things, though still difficult for me, were looking up. My husband and I started considering adoption, and then, as we were seriously considering it, I got the positive test... As I sit here remembering the feelings that were going through my body and my mind when I saw those two lines, I am overcome with emotion and my heart leaps in my chest. It was all I ever wanted, and here it was, staring me in the face. The wait was over. God had blessed us with a child.<br />
<br />
I thought that my troubles in that arena were over. I thought that I had found my answers so that I would NEVER have to go through that again. But, as usual, I was wrong.<br />
<br />
When our son was born, there was so much healing in our family, but especially in me. He was and always will be a miracle. Not just because I couldn't have a baby and then I did... as miraculous as that was, that isn't the miracle that I think of when I say it. I say he worked miracles in me. I felt closer to God and to my faith, to my husband and to this little person who was ours. The love that grew when he was born is absolutely indescribable.<br />
<br />
Here we are, over 4 years after the birth of our son, and have never prevented pregnancy since, and here I sit, still the mother of one. I do NOT dismiss him as unimportant, I do NOT think that I can't be happy without another child. I do NOT discount the importance of my son in my life. Just because I want another child doesn't mean that I am not grateful for the one that I have. I know I am lucky. I know that there are thousands of people who wish their infertility woes would end in just one child... I am TRULY AND SINCERELY grateful for my son. Every single day. He is amazing.<br />
<br />
Having said that, I am going to continue the thought... Last year, about 6 months ago, we decided to adopt a child to add to our family. We are still on that path, but have been informed recently that our wait time has been extended to AT LEAST three years. Do you see my frustration? I try to turn a negative in to a positive and I get another door slammed in my face. NOTHING in this area of our lives has been easy. NOTHING. Growing our family is just going to be difficult, and I'm having a hard time with it. I AM HAVING A VERY HARD TIME WITH IT. For months I have been smiling through my pain and laughing through my tears. I am trying to be brave and I am trying to be strong, but all this trying has made me tired and weak, and right now I am going to have it out with these feelings.<br />
<br />
I AM SICK of having to deal with this. I HATE IT. I feel that there is something wrong with me. Do you know how hard it is to feel like you are to blame for something that causes so much heartache?! Do you know how hard it is to sit on one end of a phone hearing someone you thought cared about you telling you that God is punishing you for your pride?! Do you even comprehend the hurt feelings when you have to stand there and endure looks and thoughts from nosy people asking you if your one child is all you've got after 10 years of marriage, and then have them tell you that you need more?! Do you know what it is like to go to church in a family oriented community and be made to feel as though you are somehow less or your feelings and insights aren't valid because you don't have children, or only have one?! I've been called selfish, prideful, and a handful of other things because MY BODY DOESN'T WORK RIGHT. I'm selfish because we put ourselves first before having children. I'm prideful and that is why God is withholding the blessings of parenthood from us. My opinion on family values doesn't hold water because I don't have any children, or (more recently) only one child, so how could I truly know what REAL family values are? <br />
<br />
I have tried all of the tactics before too. Smiling, and telling myself that they are just ignorant and don't know everything. That it isn't their business anyway. I have even gotten angry and said things to people so that next time they open their big stupid mouths they might think twice. I have even tried to pray the feelings away. I have been open and honest with most people about my struggles with infertility, but there are times when it makes me so tired. I just want to be okay with things, and the constant talk about it sometimes is hard for me.<br />
<br />
But, here I sit... I have a beautiful 4 year old, who is simply magic. I have an international adoption that is going to be a lengthy process ahead of me. And I have this desire, a very strong one, to hold another baby in my arms that I carried in my belly. And I sit here, even with the magic in the next room, and even with the dawn of bringing a child in to my home on the distant horizon, with the thoughts of holding a baby in my arms, and I cry. Some days it is ALL I can think about. It's all around me. It seems that every friend I have or have had over my life that I am still in contact with is pregnant or just had a child... and I am, admittedly JEALOUS. But, not ANGRY at them. Just SUPER JEALOUS. Why can I not be numbered with those who have it easy in this area? Why do I have to continually endure the hard road on this one? This ONE area where my heart aches the most. I love being a mother. Doesn't that count for something?<br />
<br />
So, to all my friends out there who are reading this and enjoying the pregnancy, or cuddling your newborn, I don't mean to go on like this. I don't want to upset you, or make you think that I don't care deeply about your life and the joys you experience. I just needed to write out these feelings because my sadness is there, and I can't shake it no matter how hard I try. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. That's not my intention. I just am tired of bottling this up right now.<br />
<br />
It comes in waves. There are days when I am genuinely feeling good about everything, and then there are days when all of it really gets to me, and those days are coming more frequently now...<br />
<br />
It is my prayer and my hope that this doesn't consume me again. I will go play with my son more, and try to laugh more, and focus on all that I have. Perhaps I need to draw closer to my Heavenly Father.<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-46289915919587767962011-12-21T12:32:00.001-05:002011-12-21T12:52:31.866-05:00It's a WONDERFUL life.<div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">Oh my gosh, can you tell that LIFE has happened to me?! I have been pretty much non-existent on all the blogs I manage. So much has happened in the past few months it's hard to catch up. Obviously we have decided to adopt from Ethiopia, and you can read more about that over at our <a href="http://ethiopia2utah.blogspot.com/">adoption blog</a>. We have had to put our journey on hold somewhat due to some circumstances that are both our doing and not our doing.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">We were notified through our adoption agency that the wait times for children in Ethiopia have been extended greatly, (like 3 years) and that made it difficult for us... I took it really hard and went in to a funk where I didn't want to really talk much about it... because I didn't want to cry anymore. But, we then decided to go forward, but not until after the new year.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">We completely controlled the next big change. We bought a house! It's our very first home, and it is quirky, and poky, and older, and we couldn't be happier! We love it. But it was a pain in the tooshy to get packed up out of the apartment (in such a short amount of time) where we lived for almost 4 years, AND sell our lease. We were a little freaked out about it. It came down to the wire, but we sold it, and we are now in our house and loving it. Unfortunately we moved during Z's birthday time, and we haven't been able to have a break in the holidays and hustle and bustle to throw him a proper 4 year birthday party, so we are planning for it after the first of the year.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">Husband passed all of his tests for his job and is very happy and relieved. We feel more settled and more secure.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">I've made some new friends too.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">But this post wasn't going to be all about that stuff... I just wanted to catch up. This post is about this week.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">We have the tree up, (our first artificial one in our decade together) and have decorated the front window with lights and snowflakes and garland. It feels like Christmas... or it's starting to anyway. My mom is on her way right now to come out and spend the holidays with us. I feel happy.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">I will admit though, that part of my heart feels empty, and feels a sort of longing. This is the first Christmas that we will have another son in our hearts. He is across the world, hopefully with his loving family right now, and I ache for him to be here with us. Though I am happy to have my family here with me to celebrate such a special time of year, part of my family is elsewhere, and I feel somehow incomplete this year. But, I can't be sad. I am trying to be grateful and think positively that he is spending this precious time with family who loves him abundantly. I really hope that there is abundant love in his biological family. I hope I hope.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">As for us, we have been talking a lot about charity and doing good things to others, and trying to be Christlike. It has helped so much. This year, I couldn't think of a single thing that I REALLY wanted, which, I'll be honest, is USUALLY not a difficult thing for me to do. This year, it just didn't feel right for ME to make a list of things I wanted... because honestly, all I want is to bring our son home... But, I know that isn't possible. I just didn't want this Christmas to surround me with stuff, like all the years passed. I mean, while I appreciate gifts that I receive, I just didn't want to fill my world with more clutter. So, I asked for donations to be made to my two favorite charities. <a href="http://www.charitywater.org/">Charity:Water</a> and <a href="http://www.aglimmerofhope.org/">A Glimmer Of Hope Foundation</a>. Both have concentrated efforts in Ethiopia... and it felt right... and a few days ago I found out that is exactly what I got... and you know what? I couldn't be happier. I have a real sense of finally figuring out what Christmas is all about. Even though I KNOW what it is about. Even though I SAY it's about giving and not getting... this year, I really REALLY understand it, and I feel so much more gratitude this year.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am really not trying to toot my own horn by saying, "ooh, I gave up my Christmas to charity." I hope so much that I am not coming off in a holier-than-thou way. It is honestly and truly all that I wanted this year.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, this week, for <a href="http://lds.org/hf/fhe/welcome/0,16785,4210-1,00.html">Family Home Evening</a> Husband decided to talk about having charity and trying to be more Christlike. Honestly, our FHE RARELY is a spiritual one because Z is always ready to go play, so we have a wiggle worm constantly asking if we can be done... so I wasn't sure how it was going to go down this week. But we were surprised times a billion. He was attentive, and listened the whole time, and we actually had a really spiritual FHE that turned out to be pretty remarkable.</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;">Husband started out reading <a href="http://lds.org/liahona/1999/12/a-pattern-of-love?lang=eng&query=james+e+faust+timmy+billy">a story by James E. Faust</a> called a PATTERN FOR LOVE. Here is the story:</span></div><br />
<i>Years ago, Jack Smith told of a poignant story of two young boys at Christmastime. </i><br />
<div class=""><i>“I didn’t question Timmy, age nine, or his seven-year-old brother, Billy, about the brown wrapping paper they passed back and forth between them as we visited each store.</i></div><div class=""><br />
</div><i> </i><br />
<div class=""><i>“Every year at Christmastime, our Service Club takes the children from poor families in our town on a personally conducted shopping tour. I was assigned Timmy and Billy, whose father was out of work. After giving them the allotted [U.S.] $4.00 each, we began our trip. At different stores I made suggestions, but always their answer was a solemn shake of the head, no. Finally, I asked, ‘Where would you suggest we look?’</i></div><div class=""><br />
</div><i> </i><br />
<div class=""><i>“‘Could we go to a shoe store, Sir?’ answered Timmy. ‘We’d like a pair of shoes for our Daddy so he can go to work.’</i></div><div class=""><br />
</div><i> </i><br />
<div class=""><i>“In the shoe store the clerk asked what the boys wanted. Out came the brown paper. ‘We want a pair of work shoes to fit this foot,’ they said. Billy explained that it was a pattern of their Daddy’s foot. They had drawn it while he was asleep in a chair.</i></div><div class=""><br />
</div><i> </i><br />
<div class=""><i>“The clerk held the paper against a measuring stick, then walked away. Soon, he came with an open box. ‘Will these do?’ he asked. Timmy and Billy handled the shoes with great eagerness. ‘How much do they cost?’ asked Billy. Then Timmy saw the price on the box. ‘They’re $16.95,’ he said in dismay. ‘We only have $8.00.’</i></div><div class=""><br />
</div><i> </i><br />
<div class=""><i>“I looked at the clerk and he cleared his throat. ‘That’s the regular price,’ he said, ‘but they’re on sale; $3.98, today only.’ Then, with shoes happily in hand the boys bought gifts for their mother and two little sisters. Not once did they think of themselves.</i></div><div class=""><br />
</div><i> </i><br />
<div class=""><i>“The day after Christmas the boys’ father stopped me on the street. The new shoes were on his feet, <a class="no-link-style" href="http://lds.org/topic/gratitude/">gratitude</a> was in his eyes. ‘I just thank Jesus for people who care,’ he said. ‘And I thank Jesus for your two sons,’ I replied. ‘They really taught me more about Christmas in one evening than I had learned in a lifetime.’”</i><sup class="noteMarker"><i> <a href="http://lds.org/liahona/1999/12/a-pattern-of-love?lang=eng&query=james+e+faust+timmy+billy#footnote1-99992_000_003">1</a></i></sup></div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><sup class="noteMarker">After that story, Z was able to retell the story perfectly. We were shocked and excited. OF ALL THE LESSONS WE EVER DO FOR FHE, THIS ONE IS THE ONE I WANT TO SINK IN. </sup></span></div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><sup class="noteMarker">We then went upstairs and watched two videos on the computer. Here they are:</sup></span></div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/cp3IH8ZNviQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class=""><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/naqX9iYE0V0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class=""><sup class="noteMarker"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><i> </i></sup></div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><sup class="noteMarker">We then sang the song, "Because I have been given much." Here is a video with the song being played and sung. This is one of my very favorite hymns. </sup></span></div><div class=""><sup class="noteMarker"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></sup></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/vuyId4VTotA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class=""><sup class="noteMarker"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></sup></div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><sup class="noteMarker">With that, we asked if Z could tell us what we talked about, and he told us everything we would have hoped he would get from the story and the videos we watched... Husband and I both wept with gratitude that of all the lessons we have given that he listened and understood this one. We are overcome with happiness at such a giving and sweet child. </sup></span></div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><sup class="noteMarker"><br />
</sup></span></div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><sup class="noteMarker">I just wanted to share that experience. It was a truly spiritual and lovely one. </sup></span></div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><sup class="noteMarker"><br />
</sup></span></div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><sup class="noteMarker">Much Love, </sup></span></div><div class="" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><sup class="noteMarker">Suz</sup></span></div>Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-49465264200608232032011-09-13T18:33:00.000-04:002011-09-13T19:59:13.871-04:00Something you might not knowI have struggled with an eating disorder for a long time now. Some people know about it, but a lot of people do not. It's not something I really talk about. But, maybe I should. I find it embarrassing and humiliating, but maybe others do too, and they are afraid to talk to someone about it and get the help that they need. The truth is, I didn't go to a therapist or doctor to get well. In fact, I don't think I am completely over it. It's still there, like a dark secret locked away in the corners of my mind, but every once in a while it rears its ugly head and makes me feel like a worthless human being. It tells me that I am not good enough. That I am weak. That I am disgusting and that I don't deserve to be happy. It tells me to eat mass quantities, and then tells me to purge or starve myself to make up for my weakness.<br />
<br />
It started in 5th grade. I was very unhappy. Our school started year round, and my friends and I were split up between the different tracks, and I started eating. A lot. I ate and ate and ate. <br />
<br />
Then in junior high school, my friends from sixth grade were no longer my friends anymore in what happens a lot at that age... people start to think about being "cool" or popular. I wasn't either. I wasn't a rich kid. I wasn't a thin girl, and suddenly became very aware of my looks and when I would look in the mirror I would see a very ugly girl. An ugly girl who would never be loved. An ugly girl who thought about dying a lot. It got worse in 8th grade. I felt worthless. I felt so insecure in every way. I ate. I ate so much that I gained 100 pounds in a year. This, as you might guess did nothing to help my social status or my feelings of inadequacy. I maintained my fat stature until I decided I wasn't going to eat anymore. <br />
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My senior year was a time of big change for me. I decided to take control of my life. I had lost some weight from my 8th grade days, and I had made a lot of friends, but I decided to make a lot of changes. I decided to be more positive and to try to make every day the best day. I wanted to be kind to everyone. Perhaps I was finally seeing that I could be a kind, sunny interaction to someone who had been as miserable as I had been for so long. And you know something? It did make me happier. I felt better about being a good person, but I still was overweight and hated that aspect of myself. I took control of that too. Half way through my senior year I stopped eating one day. I had lost my appetite. I didn't want to eat. Then it became a challenge, and I faced it head on. I no longer wanted to eat because I wanted to take control of my weight once and for all. I decided to starve the monster that I had created all those years before, in the hopes that it would go away, and I could emerge different, and somehow better. There were days that I would break down and eat. I would eat an apple or drink a soda... I know. I know. Then there were moments of weakness when the monster would win, and I would binge. And then the guilt would come and I would starve myself again. This time swearing to be stronger... And it got easier. I didn't feel faint anymore. I began to love that empty feeling at the end of the day when I would lie down to sleep. It got to the point where I was unhappy unless I felt that emptiness. It was a hunger of sorts. A hunger to be strong and control something that at times was so out of control... my appetite. The weird thing is, that I felt better and better about myself the longer I would go without eating. That sense of control gave me empowerment. I had a secret that no one knew, and I loved it. No one questioned me about it because I was still overweight. I was losing weight fairly quickly, but instead of the looks of concern, I got praise. I got so much praise, and that only fueled my motivation to continue. I was finally getting attention from boys. I was finally feeling like I was pretty. My confidence soared, but all the while the monster lay in wait. Waiting to pounce. I would go through long bouts (they got longer every time) of starvation, and then binge for an entire weekend, and then the guilt would take over and the feelings of self worth diminished and I would be left a shell again, and my resolve would get stronger to stop eating and deprive myself. And when I would, I felt like I could conquer the world. <br />
<br />
By the time I had graduated, it had been about 2 months since I had started this starvation, and I had lost 35 pounds. Over the next 6 months I would lose 35 more. But that feeling of conquering the world didn't last. Instead, depression crept in and my immune system tanked and I got very sick. But all the while people kept praising me for how good I looked. Guys flirted with my constantly, and I loved it, but I always felt like I was covered in a shadow. I had this continual cloud over me, no matter how happy I tried to be on the outside, I was crying on the inside. Worried constantly that I would be found out, and feeling like a failure all the way around the board. I was becoming weak again. I wanted out. I had a room mate who knew my secret, without my telling her, and I was terrified that it would get out to others. I was ashamed. <br />
<br />
Over the course of the following two years, I started eating more regularly, but counted calories like crazy, and would only eat once a day. I started gaining weight little by little, and it freaked me out. I had set backs, and would go on starvation binges now and then, but my resolve was thinning. I was tired of fighting the monster. <br />
<br />
My battles with weight continue, and even now, sitting here, very overweight, the monster whispers in my ear to eat away my feelings, or just starve myself... just for a little while. I feel my stomach growl and I find myself smiling, but loathing myself at the same time. I realize that I have a food addiction. It all started back in 5th grade when I ate to feel better, and the more I ate the better I felt temporarily. So as long as I stuffed my face full of fattening foods I was happy... until I was made fun of at school... and then it would perpetuate and it became a vicious cycle, culminating in a 130+ weight gain in the span of 3 years. <br />
<br />
But my addiction goes deeper. When I starved myself, I was still addicted. There was not a moment where food wasn't on my mind. What I should eat, what I shouldn't, when I would eat, when I wouldn't, bet you I won't eat that even though I want to... Guilt, elation, satisfaction, guilt, elation, satisfaction... over and over and over... until one day, I couldn't do it any more. But food never left my thoughts. It is still very much there even now. I don't think it will ever go away. <br />
<br />
I do not starve myself. I don't suffer with anorexia anymore. I don't binge like I did before, though there are times when I do give in even now-to an extent. But I feel like I am winning this battle, even though it doesn't appear to be so from an outsider looking in. I know to others I am just another obese person. Someone who has no self control. Someone who is somehow less. Someone to look at and say, "I'm glad I'm not that big." But, that's okay. Because I have to love myself right? I have to work on me, right? I can't be concerned about what others think about me. Because, I struggle with a very internal, very secret (until now) disorder/addiction. One that has caused me no end of pain and suffering. One that might have caused my infertility issues and my hormone problems. One that still haunts me. I may never be what others think I should be, but that's okay. I need to worry about being healthy, and I am trying, heaven knows I am trying. There are days I win and days I lose, but I have to wake up every morning and keep trying. To hell with the people who look down on me. To hell with those who say I am not good enough. To hell with my own low self esteem. I have to be better. I have to get through this. And I know that if I keep trying as hard as I can, that I CAN beat this. I pray that I beat this. <br />
<br />
What's the point in writing this now after all these years? Why now on this blog? I wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to maybe help someone else out there. You are not alone. So many people battle with this, and it is very hard, and very isolating. Some people, (like me) may not look like they are sick on the outside, because her collarbone doesn't show, and her clothes aren't falling off her body, but she is aching inside. She might not want to be found out, but secretly, maybe she does. Life can be so hard. Why make it harder on someone? I was bullied a lot. A LOT. To the point where I thought about ending my life many times. And I still think about those times and cry. If only someone had known. If only I could have told someone and not felt like a horrible human being. People didn't know how hurt I was on the inside. They didn't know how hard it was to wake up every morning and try to love myself enough not to take 100 ibuprofen just to stop the pain I felt inside. They didn't know. I would like to think that if we could see inside someone else, that we would treat others with more dignity and respect and kindness. <br />
<br />
There have been a lot of stories about bullying in the news in the last few months, and I guess this is my own anti-bully plea. Please be careful. Please don't hurt others. Please be kind, even if you hurt inside. Life isn't fair. Life is hard... for everyone. Not everyone is abused in the same way, but everyone needs compassion and love. Everyone needs to feel that they are worth more than what they feel they are worth. You never know what your words will mean to another person, how they can haunt that person for the rest of their life. <br />
<br />
Get help if you need it. You don't want to end up a thirty-something adult who still struggles with the demons of her past, and has a hard time some days getting through the muck. Please, if you have an eating disorder, no matter what size you are, get help.
<br />
<br />
Get help. <br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
Suz
Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-62442051845992975572011-07-10T17:26:00.000-04:002011-07-10T17:26:20.968-04:00Love will find a wayWe are adopting. You can read about our journey (which is just in the beginning stages) all along the way at our adoption blog. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://ethiopia2utah.blogspot.com/">ETHIOPIA 2 UTAH </a><br />
<br />
Much Love,<br />
Suz Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-37785082199548684352011-04-18T21:21:00.002-04:002011-04-18T21:30:05.093-04:00Grateful...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5HES80EIIdyB5s672kjNUva_k4duShxscW4Mg6tB-lhyphenhyphenSSzVwnWEnuXaIvabbbjAuBcLjJs0BuaY3n6ngDmDcy3dmXez1w3XMT9njsc56qNi-ML5B44be_ZoarhUMzu0xl_HHkx8ZhE3W/s640/DSC_0363bw.jpg" width="640" /></div><br />
<br />
I'm grateful. There is so much in my life to be grateful for.<br />
<br />
Today I have been feeling a culmination of so many things. There is so much on my mind, if only I could unload it completely on you who are reading. If only I could be so entirely open and vulnerable without worry that I am too exposed.<br />
<br />
So, to combat my blues, I am going to compile a list of what I am grateful for, starting with number 1, pictured at the top of this post.<br />
<br />
Z, you are so amazing. Every day I get to spend with you, you become more loving, funnier, more adorable, more more more. You grow and I cry because I know eventually I will not be your best friend anymore. And that's okay, but I love being your girl. You bring me so much happiness. So much. For years I wanted you, and in my dreams I couldn't have made you as wonderful as you truly are. You are kind, and thoughtful. You are loving and nurturing. You care so much about others, and you always try to share and play nicely with your friends. You are creative and imaginative, and you love to read and be read to. You are so smart. So funny. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. Thank you for making a dream come true that I started to believe would never be possible. Thank you for hugging me and kissing me and for the immense joy you bring to our family. You are beautiful inside and out. Your soul is precious. XOXO Mommy<br />
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B, thank you for being such a support to me. I couldn't do half the hairbrained things I do if it weren't for your immense support of me. You uplift me and help me to be a better person. Thank you for loving me, and respecting me. Thank you for making me feel as though I am your partner in this journey. I know things will only get better for us. I hope for all the changes we are both hoping for. I know that no matter what this life brings us, we are stronger together. I love you more than you know. XOXO, Suz<br />
<br />
I am grateful for a supportive family.<br />
I am grateful for my health.<br />
For knowing true love.<br />
For not making a life with that other guy (oh who the hell knows what would have happened there)<br />
For the Gospel of Jesus Christ.<br />
For knowing that Families are Forever.<br />
For a healthy child.<br />
For kicking Gluten to the curb.<br />
For dumping dairy.<br />
For understanding finally that I can exceed my dreams.<br />
For the knowledge that I don't need everyone's approval all the time.<br />
For finally realizing that some friends aren't friends and never were.<br />
For recognizing true friends and being loved by them.<br />
For being able to get up every morning and walk on my own two feet.<br />
For the love of my Savior, and my ability to recognize it during my trials.<br />
For my photography, my art, my creative outlet.<br />
For a roof over my head, clean water and plenty of food to eat.<br />
For knowing what it feels to be loved and accepted for just being me, warts and all.<br />
For babies and how close to heaven I feel when I am near them.<br />
For empathy.<br />
For opportunities to serve others.<br />
For chiropractors who want to fix me.<br />
For music, and ears to hear it.<br />
For colors, and eyes to see them.<br />
For the canvas that God has painted purely to please us.<br />
For moments of peace.<br />
For generosity that is sincere and because nothing is expected in return.<br />
For strangers who want to help others.<br />
For witnessing random acts of kindness. <br />
For boycotting Walmart.<br />
For finding my father, and having a mother who supports that decision.<br />
For selfless moments, and being privileged enough to witness them and recognize when they happen.<br />
For knee braces.<br />
For beautiful art to look at. <br />
For the blogging world.<br />
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What is on your list of things to be grateful for? It really helps when you're in a funk to write a list like this. I feel better already.<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-83557691652378730162011-04-06T16:48:00.001-04:002011-04-06T16:54:22.411-04:006 years ago...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiOxYtKb-AS1F_y8dg_jeqgjsJMuQYGRwwPsMhELdQMG7B_7sxBanwOTvkE8YBUoXNWJwS2OVNqGpMA9mOoOfbaW6QhZN-fTmlu0zJ4hVYQDjRSidgYawhr-AuUw9sLvY7d9YPZdyqV9P3/s1600/DSC_0016+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiOxYtKb-AS1F_y8dg_jeqgjsJMuQYGRwwPsMhELdQMG7B_7sxBanwOTvkE8YBUoXNWJwS2OVNqGpMA9mOoOfbaW6QhZN-fTmlu0zJ4hVYQDjRSidgYawhr-AuUw9sLvY7d9YPZdyqV9P3/s640/DSC_0016+2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
<br />
My mother was a single mother. I was an only child. I was the only girl in a family full of boy cousins. I was the youngest for a while too, until 3 more boys were born later. I didn't have a father in my house. But I had someone who filled those shoes quite nicely. My grandfather, Leo.<br />
<br />
He was one of those grandfathers who always played with me. We always had a new scheme we would cook up together, and man could we laugh. He loved me so much, and oh my gosh, did I love him. He was my EVERYTHING. I wanted to be nowhere but sitting on my PaPa's lap, telling jokes and just spending time with him. I was fortunate to never live very far from my grandparents.<br />
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I spent most days after school at their house, and most of the time I was there I was with my grandpa in the garage or in the yard. He was my hero, and my best friend. My BEST FRIEND.<br />
<br />
I feel so fortunate that I had a best friend from birth. There are very few memories of my childhood in which my best friend was not a part. He came to my plays, Oohed and aahed at my art work, always helped me with my science projects and my woodshop assignments, taught me how to play cribbage and beat me constantly at Gin. He read me stories, or let me read them to him, and always held my hand-even when I was an adult. He took me on driving lessons, which is something he NEVER did for anyone else, and drove 750 miles to be there on the day that I got married. I didn't tell him then, but if I could have had a best man on my side, it would have been him.<br />
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When I was a little girl, and I was so sick and in the hospital, he came to see me every day. He would take me on "walks" even though I was too weak to walk, and he would push me in my wheel chair and take me all over the hospital to all different floors and then pretend he couldn't remember which floor I was on. He always knew exactly what I needed to cheer me up and take care of me.<br />
<br />
He and my grandmother bought a brand new couch after I had a bout with the chicken pox and got a weird rash from their old one. <br />
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He hated his picture to be taken, and one Christmas, I was given a gold locket with a formal portrait of my grandparents inside it. My grandmother told me later that it was his idea to do the pictures so that I could have a picture in my locket. He even lovingly engraved my initials in the hearts on the front.<br />
<br />
He made me a mirror with his own hands when I was six, and gave it to me for Christmas. I still have it. It's in my son's room. Whenever I look at it I think of the love that went in to it... The love he had for me.<br />
<br />
When it was time for me to have a bike, He went to the junkyard and got all these different bike parts and made me a bike. When I told him I needed a kick stand, he asked me to draw him some blue prints, and I did, and when I presented them to him, he made me a kick stand... to my exact specifications.<br />
<br />
I remember once, when I was living in San Diego, far from home, I called him to tell him all about my new adventure by the beach, and he told me he loved me... "I love you, Susie." It was a big deal because he never said it first.<br />
<br />
I remember too, saying goodbye to him for the last time, and told him I would see him in a week or two when I got back home from Utah. I was called the next week on my trip with the news that he had collapsed and was in a coma.<br />
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I remember feeling so much all at once. We rushed home, as fast as we could, and immediately went to the hospital, where he was lying in ICU, on life support. I felt so much agony when I saw him there, because all I could think about was the last time I saw his face, and how excited he was to go to this dance at the Seniors center, (he collapsed while getting ready to go out to this dance). He died April 6, 2005. I felt shame and sorrow for not making him more of a priority in my "busy" life. I was instantly reminded of one day when he told me that he missed seeing my face...<br />
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<br />
So here is an open letter to my best friend, my father figure, and my grandfather:<br />
<br />
Papa,<br />
<br />
I miss your face. I miss your voice. I miss your stories. I miss your laugh. I even miss your teasing. I miss your hugs, and I miss holding your hand. I miss our talks, and our inside jokes. I would give anything to see you right now. I need your advice. I need your acceptance. I need to remember how much you love me.<br />
<br />
I know you are with Grandma and Aunt Lola, and with others who are gone now too. I know we will be together again. I know our family is forever. But knowing that doesn't change how much I miss you. I really really miss you.<br />
<br />
It was so hard to let you go, knowing that in this life I would never see you again.<br />
<br />
I guess that's it. I just... miss seeing your face.<br />
<br />
Thank you for loving me.<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
SusieSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-59546251425594719172011-03-07T04:24:00.000-05:002011-03-07T04:24:01.240-05:00To Kill a MockingbirdSince the day I finished it the first time back in 1992, it has remained my favorite. I am now reading for probably the 4th time since then, (I assure you there is not another book that I have ever read that many times) and the other day, something jumped out at me. It got me thinking... a lot. Mostly about my grandfather and the relationship we had. It was magic. Have you ever met someone, and just immediately had a special bond with that person? You don't really understand why you are closer to that person than someone else, but you almost feel like you have always been friends. As if you met somewhere before, or in another life.<br />
<br />
I used to love it when I was a little girl, (and I have to admit I still like to hear it) when people would tell me that my grandfather was different before I was born. You see, I was the only girl among the grandchildren, which came with it a lot of expectations from some of the women in my family. I was the youngest for a while too. I have 8 cousins and they are all boys. I didn't ever know the papa who only shook hands and remained stoic and somewhat uninvolved. The papa who didn't show a lot of affection was not someone I ever met.<br />
<br />
The man I knew gave the best hugs, and loved to play with me. He didn't shake my hand, he laughed at my silly jokes, he read me stories, he climbed on the monkey bars with me, he took me swimming, and let me push him in to the water. He would sit and talk to me, and often confide in me what he didn't in anyone else. He held my hand anytime I wanted to, and he would take me with him to run errands and always bought me an ice cream cone. He came to see me when I was in chorus, and came to every play I did, even if he hated the play, and he always brought me flowers and gave them to me after a show. He was proud of me, and loved me so much. And trust me, the feeling was mutual. He was my best friend all growing up. No one even came close to my papa. He made me things with his own two hands, and they were always beautiful. He drove from California to Utah when I got married, (which is saying a lot, because he hated sitting in a car for long periods of time... not to mention that Utah has weak beer) and what was in the trunk of his car? Fresh California strawberries... because I couldn't have just any old Utah crap strawberries at my wedding, and the best of all was that it was his idea. He did it because he loved me and wanted my day to be special.<br />
<br />
10 years ago, I was moving to Utah from California, and he made me a large batch of my favorite cookies for the trip. He even wrote my name in bubble letters on a post-it that he put on the bag... I still have it, and it still brings tears to my eyes when I look at it.<br />
<br />
In 1 month exactly, it will be 6 years since the day that I said goodbye to him for the last time. I was there when he left this earth. He left at 5:30 in the morning, and I spent the entire night before with him all by myself. He was in a coma, but it didn't stop us from bonding. He knew I was there, and I knew he could hear what I was saying. I had a few very precious and very spiritual experiences with him that night... Experiences that when I tried to explain them were lost on my family. I just held his hand and talked to him, and when I would stop talking, I would look at him, and his eyes told me he was growing weary of the battle he was fighting, and when it looked as if it were getting to be too much, it was my duty to call my family and inform them they needed to come to the hospital. He left surrounded by us all, each of us sat there and watched as his spirit leaped out of his body and was free.<br />
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I miss him every day. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I still had him with me.<br />
<br />
Everybody tells me that something changed in him when I was born. I know that we were best friends in our other life, and I don't think that the bond will be easily broken. In fact I know that in the next life, it will be stronger still.<br />
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I wish so much that I could have seen my son and my grandfather together. I know that they would have been such good buddies.<br />
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Do you know what I remember most about him? That he just loved me. He accepted me for who I was and never once tried to change me. I was always good enough for him no questions asked.<br />
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I'm going to end this with the paragraph in my favorite book that reminded me of my relationship with him... It goes a little something like this:<br />
<br />
"Aunt Alexandra was fanatical on the subject of my attire. I could not possibly hope to be a lady if I wore breeches; when I said I could do nothing in a dress, she said I wasn't supposed to be doing things that required pants. Aunt Alexandra's vision of my deportment involved playing with small stoves, tea sets, and wearing the Add-A-Pearl necklace she gave me when I was born; furthermore, I should be a ray of sunshine in my father's lonely life. I suggested that one could be a ray of sunshine in pants just as well, but Aunty said that one had to behave like a sunbeam, that I was born good but had grown progressively worse every year. She hurt my feelings and set my teeth permanently on edge, but when I asked Atticus about it, he said there were already enough sunbeams in the family and to go on about my business, he didn't mind me much the way I was."<br />
<br />
Those few words that Atticus says to Scout in a moment when her feelings were upset because her Aunty had made her feel so badly about herself are words that I feel as if I've heard many times throughout my life from my papa. He has always been that voice for me. The voice that says, "Don't mind them. You go on about your business, I like you just the way you are."<br />
<br />
I miss him. Gosh do I miss him.<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-88246719834352625282011-02-25T13:28:00.000-05:002011-02-25T13:28:05.642-05:00CELEBRATE THE BOY IS BACK!If you don't follow MADE or MADE BY RAE, shame on you! :) Just kidding. But if you are the mother to a boy, and rack your brain trying to find cool creative things to make for him, you need to check these girls out! They are doing a CELEBRATE THE BOY over on their blogs! This is the second annual CELEBRATE THE BOY extravaganza! And it is DEFINITELY WORTH CHECKING OUT! :)<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.dana-made-it.com/2008/07/celebrate-boy-part-2.html">MADE</a><br />
<a href="http://www.made-by-rae.com/2010/03/celebrate-boy-archives.html">MADE BY RAE</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.made-by-rae.com/2011/02/toys-on-go-even-more-awesome-ideas.html">I definitely want to make this. I think my little one will LOVE the messenger bag/car mat. </a><br />
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Seriously, these two ladies are rad. I LOVE their blogs!<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-57098436983118101502011-02-25T12:39:00.001-05:002011-02-25T12:45:01.421-05:00Some restrictions are goodWell, if you follow me on here, or on one of my other blogs, you probably already know that I am gluten free. I have been gluten free for a while now, (over a year) and am dairy free too. I am also soy free to try to combat my fertility issues. I recently became refined sugar free as well. It was such an easy transition, I couldn't believe it. I am a sweets girl. I love cookies and cakes and cookies and cookies. ha ha. But lately, to be honest, I've found myself not really interested much in sweet things. Who ever would have thought it could be true!<br />
<br />
On Valentines day, Husband took me out to dinner. We went to the Texas Roadhouse, (I know, not romantic in the slightest, but we wanted steak) and boy did we get Texas sized portions! I was able to get gluten free options, which was awesome. So many waiters look at me like I have lobsters coming out of my ears when I ask about gluten free... but our server was awesome at the TR, and very helpful and accommodating to my restrictions. I ate about half of my steak, and was almost immediately sick.<br />
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**I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE THINKS IT WAS FOOD POISONING. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NOT FOOD POISONING.**<br />
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I had over eaten, but it was more than that. I had been noticing lately that meat really makes me sick after I eat it. To the point of stomach cramps. The rest of V-day was spent huddled in a ball on the couch totally sick. I am sure everyone experiences an extent of what I feel when I eat meat: Sluggishness, sleepiness, etc. I mean, it takes a lot for our bodies to break down meat!<br />
<br />
But my issues go far beyond that. I feel achy, and sick, and as I already mentioned, I get stomach cramps and I am so tired it's crazy.<br />
<br />
So after that day, I decided to cut out animal products. Yes. You heard me right. I am following a Vegan diet for a while to see if I feel better. I know that B12 supplements are very important, as well as folic acid and iron. I will eat protein rich foods, (no soy) and I will not forget about my Omegas either. (FINALLY THOSE NUTRITION CLASSES ARE GOING TO COME IN HANDY)!<br />
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I have been following a Vegan diet for one week, and I have to tell you that I am not only losing weight faster, I am feeling better than I have in YEARS!<br />
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I want to say that I was a vegetarian years ago, and I remember feeling pretty good during that time, (with the exception that I became anemic-something that caused me to start eating chicken and eggs again). But back then, even though I was a vegetarian for over 3 years, I was a complete idiot about it. I didn't actually eat good foods. I just avoided meat. Not exactly a healthy diet. I snacked mostly on breads, (oh if only I knew back then what gluten does to me!) and potatoes and cheese and diet soda. I'm telling you I don't know how I survived that long! I won't even go in to my eating disorder that I developed!<br />
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But this time around, I have my health in the forefront of my mind and I am excited to find something that works for me. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to feel good, and not be sick every time I eat!<br />
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I think that food is definitely our medicine. If we aren't feeling good, I think food/diet is the first place we should look. Our bodies are wonderful, miraculous things that will tell us when we need to change something. If you are feeling crappy, maybe you should look at your diet and see if it is something you're ingesting.<br />
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I am not a doctor or even a nutritionist, but I do know that taking a hard look at my food has changed my life. It has honestly and truly made such a difference in not only my weight, but my overall health and well being. It has also enhanced my mood and I feel like a much happier person. I hope so much that it helps my fertility issues as well, but for right now, I just want to do what is best for my body, and my body is happy that I am following a Vegan diet.<br />
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Here's to hoping all of you find your happy foods!<br />
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With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-61696393973263807832011-02-04T13:36:00.000-05:002011-02-04T13:36:43.754-05:00Today this post is dedicated to...<a href="http://www.hugh-jackman.com/">Hugh Jackman</a>.<br />
<br />
For being the hot face and body of one of my favorite superheroes, but also for being a<a href="http://www.tmz.com/2011/01/29/hugh-jackman-daughter-snowball-new-york-ava-photo/"> decent human being</a>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8-TF6EmXlPVZFcBKb8zfZ8rV3C9nDF7JFF-6Xmy4caEs-cSOHTQqWb6kwijJdVg0YCUerCacuhPHOEASs7okQhsnjK0WjtpISHefLzkxZdMVk75Q5-u03MkHh9ruIXf2EbE4jFbaZLVk8/s1600/0129-hugh-jackman-flynet-credit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="438" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8-TF6EmXlPVZFcBKb8zfZ8rV3C9nDF7JFF-6Xmy4caEs-cSOHTQqWb6kwijJdVg0YCUerCacuhPHOEASs7okQhsnjK0WjtpISHefLzkxZdMVk75Q5-u03MkHh9ruIXf2EbE4jFbaZLVk8/s640/0129-hugh-jackman-flynet-credit.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
Photo courtesy of TMZ.com<br />
<br />
I just love that he is throwing a snowball at his daughter in front of the paparazzi. ha! He's awesome.<br />
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I'm stoked for the next installment of the Wolverine movies!Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-74019712387697700722011-01-26T22:06:00.000-05:002011-01-26T22:06:17.626-05:00A new little pet project.Anyone who knows me knows that I have a bit of an attention span issue. So, to combat the winter blues, I have started a dessert page, called <a href="http://sugarface-bakes.blogspot.com/">Sugarface Bakes</a>. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://sugarface-bakes.blogspot.com/" title="sugarface button by suzstar, on Flickr"><img alt="Sugarface Bakes" height="200" src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5020/5390111899_d5f6412465_m.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
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It is a blog filled with recipes for gluten/dairy/soy/refined sugar free baking! Yummy desserts. Some are from blogs that inspire me, but most will be my own twists on things, and my own original recipes.<br />
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Check it out!<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-24815884938870359272011-01-26T20:10:00.000-05:002011-01-26T20:10:06.208-05:00Just wanted to say...I just wanted to say that I feel better today. Yesterday was a rough one for me. But today has been a lot better, and here's to tomorrow being even better! :)<br />
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With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-83337306556945905992011-01-26T01:51:00.000-05:002011-01-26T01:51:45.614-05:00Maybe it's me.Maybe it's the cold. Or the snow. Maybe a combination of the two.<br />
<br />
Maybe it's something in my brain that doesn't work.<br />
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Maybe it's loneliness. Or being too far away from home.<br />
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Maybe it's that I don't know where home is anymore. Or that I don't know where it will be in the near future.<br />
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Maybe it's everything.<br />
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Maybe I should give up. Maybe not. Maybe I should crawl in to a hole and never come out again. I think I would miss my family too much.<br />
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Maybe I need to reconnect with my own spirituality.<br />
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Maybe I need to get out more.<br />
<br />
Maybe it's him. Maybe it's me.<br />
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I am feeling so sad right now. So sad I feel alone and empty inside. So sad that it consumes me. So sad that it's hard to breathe. It's hard to think. It's hard to feel. So sad that I think about too much. So sad that I don't think enough.<br />
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How can I be here but not? How can I want to be distant but also want to be close? How can I reach out to others but also recoil when they reach back? How can I want to be alone but feel lonely at the same time? How can I feel so useless?<br />
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I just needed to get that out.Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-23265587179232610362011-01-21T15:39:00.001-05:002011-01-21T15:48:34.085-05:00Pesto with a twist, and Daiya CheeseSo, being gluten and dairy free, and being the obsessive researcher that I am, I look at lots of blogs on this topic. There is all this buzz about the blogosphere on Daiya cheese... I had never heard of it, and couldn't find it anywhere...<br />
<br />
Lo and behold, today, while at one of my favorite fresh markets, (Sunflower Farmer's Market that is) I walked by the dairy ("dairy") aisle and saw in brand new fashion a package of DAIYA CHEESE sitting there... granted, it is a little pricier than regular cheese, but at $3.99 a bag, I thought I would try it and see what all the kerfuffle is about.<br />
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Here are some pictures of the package so you can get an idea about what I am working with:<br />
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As you can see, it's definitely not NOT a whole food, but it is definitely not something made from scary ingredients either. But does it taste good?<br />
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Well, I tasted it, and I have to say it tastes a LOT better than the rice cheese I have used in the past. So, I decided to make a dairy free (vegan) Pesto. And, let me just say, that the finished product is DELICIOUS.<br />
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So, I love pesto. I don't know about all of you, but it happens to be my favorite thing at Italian restaurants. But, pine nuts? $19.95 per pound? Yeah, right. I instead use RAW sunflower seeds. Much more cost effective, and just as tasty if you ask me.<br />
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I also get my fresh basil at Sunflower Market, which just so happens to be right up the street from me, making my life so much easier... It's about $4.95 for a big bag of ORGANIC Basil!<br />
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So, typically, the recipe calls for, (and I want to note that up until the last month, I have been using) PARMESAN SHREDDED CHEESE, but since going Dairy free, that's not an option for me. So, in steps the Daiya... Here is the recipe and some pictures for you.<br />
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2 cups PACKED fresh basil leaves<br />
1/3-1/2 cup raw sunflower seeds (or pine nuts)<br />
3 cloves of fresh garlic (or I use the minced garlic, and use about 1 1/2 teaspoons of it)<br />
sea salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste<br />
1/2 cup olive oil<br />
1/2 cup shredded Daiya cheese (or Parmesan)<br />
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In a food processor, add the fresh basil leaves and sunflower seeds and garlic and pulse it a few times until everything looks really chopped up. Then add the salt and pepper, pulse again. Add the cheese and turn the food processor on, while pouring in the olive oil fairly slowly.<br />
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That's it. Taste it, make sure it's the consistency you like, and then just eat it and enjoy it!<br />
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It will stay good in the fridge for about a week, but it freezes really well. I like to freeze mine in individual snack size plastic baggies and then just defrost it with warm water when I want to use it. I don't cook mine, because I like the raw pesto best, but you can definitely cook yours if that is the way you like it.<br />
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Me personally? I like to put it on toast and devour. :)<br />
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If you are curious about the bread that I use, it is called UDI'S WHOLE GRAIN BREAD. It is SO SO SO GOOD.<br />
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I think that I can safely say that Daiya Cheese is now among Udi's Bread as the only product of it's kind that I will buy when I buy it.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVCU0lNR4tnE4Fv4WDVGOgHhs-LPN3tXh15h7zSLMQIWBkqk_8QUXt_B31NAp4ykn8BwfOKRmbXCKYuOJFAdDhITHLMnKIrYAMYVLVd8FCR-HLkyXMwqtQqf4ALE5BoFs7gETz9OKTch11/s1600/DSC_0097.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVCU0lNR4tnE4Fv4WDVGOgHhs-LPN3tXh15h7zSLMQIWBkqk_8QUXt_B31NAp4ykn8BwfOKRmbXCKYuOJFAdDhITHLMnKIrYAMYVLVd8FCR-HLkyXMwqtQqf4ALE5BoFs7gETz9OKTch11/s640/DSC_0097.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-13235538827921666802011-01-18T22:27:00.002-05:002011-01-19T14:01:29.053-05:00What I've been up to lately...So, I've been pretty absent from this old blog for a while now... sorry lovelies. I've been trying to keep busy. I finished my last photo session of 2010, and then, it's been quiet. I have a potential new wedding client, but that won't be until March if I get the job. So, what is a (sorta) out of work photographer to do?<br />
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(All of these pictures have been made possible by the use of one of my fabulous Christmas presents from husband: My new SPEEDLIGHT! ) <br />
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Well...<br />
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I've rekindled my love for knitting,<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-8EaP-NlmmrQAxfuwnIn7EvHBqSzB_r8krjgBkQokBW8gOIdaOfZbA2W9zPnlg_aPjgZMNWy0Y5O5dFz1nQ9pfXYVWsvGdiS8lqIFexZ_oFvdxh57wVWUYYjZt19g1NC0jpRLabRRDq5S/s1600/DSC_0065.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-8EaP-NlmmrQAxfuwnIn7EvHBqSzB_r8krjgBkQokBW8gOIdaOfZbA2W9zPnlg_aPjgZMNWy0Y5O5dFz1nQ9pfXYVWsvGdiS8lqIFexZ_oFvdxh57wVWUYYjZt19g1NC0jpRLabRRDq5S/s640/DSC_0065.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
taught myself to knit in the round,<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl9RWnQnxk7npPyCS6J94jT09QQHgn0qngHMi6BCwgLmwr29iRpWGM39CEeoRSTXfwFeTAn8kr6dVTR5eg21juk95lBDdjDee1LS7AIywP9L3bhnwT-13IeMN3rODG9qF08iPMzP86Go4N/s1600/DSC_0069.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl9RWnQnxk7npPyCS6J94jT09QQHgn0qngHMi6BCwgLmwr29iRpWGM39CEeoRSTXfwFeTAn8kr6dVTR5eg21juk95lBDdjDee1LS7AIywP9L3bhnwT-13IeMN3rODG9qF08iPMzP86Go4N/s640/DSC_0069.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
taught myself a new stitch (the gorgeous HERRINGBONE) by knitting myself an oversized cowl,<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgID3gVPwqGkN2CBFAzEjdIUykAFxJQFoMDYfUh3lQB3Juy7tPEvVtbyuiQtTw55wasBQ6vSADorgdBm7RpfBxpUfKlhbT02vyOWyYr62qxwU6Qgk2NPWw9Iz6EPpI7EKMNInPFrVgtH4gc/s1600/DSC_0068.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgID3gVPwqGkN2CBFAzEjdIUykAFxJQFoMDYfUh3lQB3Juy7tPEvVtbyuiQtTw55wasBQ6vSADorgdBm7RpfBxpUfKlhbT02vyOWyYr62qxwU6Qgk2NPWw9Iz6EPpI7EKMNInPFrVgtH4gc/s640/DSC_0068.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
began crocheting a new scarf for my sweetheart out of fisherman's wool,<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-VGIM4_UgR7dKLbikbVSuZuMBRPf9cbnZUFZnJ6c6qOFVLAwcFfyTt9vWRGP0FkmG_CdrpNPD353EYVBdL66XSZzU4uW0wPKOwZaJH49547_Ondi5tENq5zoB7ImQrqlX83q2BPBCLRdi/s1600/DSC_0070.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-VGIM4_UgR7dKLbikbVSuZuMBRPf9cbnZUFZnJ6c6qOFVLAwcFfyTt9vWRGP0FkmG_CdrpNPD353EYVBdL66XSZzU4uW0wPKOwZaJH49547_Ondi5tENq5zoB7ImQrqlX83q2BPBCLRdi/s640/DSC_0070.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
rediscovered my favorite book, and said goodbye to my favorite snack,<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXcHIubP4mKHFyKSa7s1HrjJdmSNVHXu-4S-amQ-7so_qiy99ZDAD6Ie1B00NcakBPrDORNIArwPf5f3aBhdk7lQ9zMvWjaWaCT1Sw-bkP4FVBQG9F-0HYaj250ry4klCOoHjnACmDvRg0/s1600/DSC_0060.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXcHIubP4mKHFyKSa7s1HrjJdmSNVHXu-4S-amQ-7so_qiy99ZDAD6Ie1B00NcakBPrDORNIArwPf5f3aBhdk7lQ9zMvWjaWaCT1Sw-bkP4FVBQG9F-0HYaj250ry4klCOoHjnACmDvRg0/s640/DSC_0060.jpg" width="640" /> </a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">found a surprise inside the book that makes me laugh, </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGALs8ua6-oLIf4rVQUwq_ulLeEkIlhkcRYZCyMhLq7JUtS53FUV5IRyVQH3qSke-KrpR6eooA3sbvgn__tTI9tOIRVC4Dg7vNwsF5y-qiGvAqAQxELJEifUwKydisxTAF11Wvuajsecfu/s1600/DSC_0061.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGALs8ua6-oLIf4rVQUwq_ulLeEkIlhkcRYZCyMhLq7JUtS53FUV5IRyVQH3qSke-KrpR6eooA3sbvgn__tTI9tOIRVC4Dg7vNwsF5y-qiGvAqAQxELJEifUwKydisxTAF11Wvuajsecfu/s640/DSC_0061.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div>saved an almost perfect train table from an untimely death by trashcan, (and thereby cinching my mother of the year award)... did I mention it was FREE?... <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr-TO1H-TTT3og56X95b8WJgEd1gbF_RZw4EgOojutwCrOdmuR26vPlPFzEp-u07jN9TZd-wOXB6sdVWths-67_PFjQGjIC19n-OoATle3lyOfrEaCKiwQPFTwqYoZdZ5jfhyphenhyphenP7kMOx-L6/s1600/DSC_0053.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr-TO1H-TTT3og56X95b8WJgEd1gbF_RZw4EgOojutwCrOdmuR26vPlPFzEp-u07jN9TZd-wOXB6sdVWths-67_PFjQGjIC19n-OoATle3lyOfrEaCKiwQPFTwqYoZdZ5jfhyphenhyphenP7kMOx-L6/s640/DSC_0053.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
ordered some new music from some old favorites,<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFGF3ZVNfnPp_Oqto0u45cUt9QFVoo1gs1WD-qKyP7dMhgJKcgGEtetaSEXiHB0j99A4Yq5MtZnxTZIryPkNLpvvAIneE1HK88A4bQezkfkrYdw3WFolwCY6qBgXP5m-7kDa-tkDw5VWIX/s1600/DSC_0072.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFGF3ZVNfnPp_Oqto0u45cUt9QFVoo1gs1WD-qKyP7dMhgJKcgGEtetaSEXiHB0j99A4Yq5MtZnxTZIryPkNLpvvAIneE1HK88A4bQezkfkrYdw3WFolwCY6qBgXP5m-7kDa-tkDw5VWIX/s640/DSC_0072.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
and downloaded MATT AND KIM'S SIDEWALKS ALBUM, (that was all caps, because I can't express without shouting how wonderful this album is) Hellogoodbye's Would it Kill you? Album, and all of the Pomplamoose stuff I could find, (no pictures on this one, sorry)...<br />
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decided that KID TO KID really is the happiest place for parents on a budget but who love expensive shoes,<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjent4-iwVUXxj9_53zEWnAA6Cgr5UrU0viepFUjjkD1r8PB6e31yoQ94I_hW7n9PqebBQyffGic3tC7b2rcEGbW8FwmpM4Ls8w1mggR59vfkRKF8vqR_W7bomZCBZhcLQfeP6yVsDEWpVe/s1600/DSC_0054.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjent4-iwVUXxj9_53zEWnAA6Cgr5UrU0viepFUjjkD1r8PB6e31yoQ94I_hW7n9PqebBQyffGic3tC7b2rcEGbW8FwmpM4Ls8w1mggR59vfkRKF8vqR_W7bomZCBZhcLQfeP6yVsDEWpVe/s640/DSC_0054.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> VANS WITH VELCRO! ($4.99)</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib5G96FPHOFv1nezTIeKhdg2j1pdcaxNrXkRAUunJQYUdsEnRGwzPCak7MItXi5Z5M64APad4IBumiNdZV9Y4iVlUmiJ8-VHcbxq1EpGtXy1UJggJGn0qMoHxwOo6iZyY1aohC0s769fPw/s1600/DSC_0058.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib5G96FPHOFv1nezTIeKhdg2j1pdcaxNrXkRAUunJQYUdsEnRGwzPCak7MItXi5Z5M64APad4IBumiNdZV9Y4iVlUmiJ8-VHcbxq1EpGtXy1UJggJGn0qMoHxwOo6iZyY1aohC0s769fPw/s640/DSC_0058.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">A nod to my high school days with these kid size purple doc martens! ($5.99)</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">found some gems at ROSS DRESS FOR LESS and TJMAXX, (including but not limited to an enamel coated cast iron casserole dish that I've wanted for ages, and it just so happens to be in cobalt... and some new chucks for cheap)...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUobHEQ_anTnTwiJDrI-ZJJpxSOos10TPMC-Okr0T4zjYvusyCnWLKpxAO3-wpa66Q0PU0KMglMTX40-1x4GRmykMxwi7_3hHeVUYhZ8FNSxvEUb_5T9nCs_Rgp2GliXYbazODK_qdaZXo/s1600/DSC_0049.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUobHEQ_anTnTwiJDrI-ZJJpxSOos10TPMC-Okr0T4zjYvusyCnWLKpxAO3-wpa66Q0PU0KMglMTX40-1x4GRmykMxwi7_3hHeVUYhZ8FNSxvEUb_5T9nCs_Rgp2GliXYbazODK_qdaZXo/s640/DSC_0049.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0SA5VBTIkQ66dJr4kiaSTVGzZxn2CIbK1tWHxq8J8qRpkZzAa-Rr-ZdrwbHLJy9kANilUgDJpAucWspbgu36UoWEJR-NbevS68d7D583kz2PzCV3h7pNbfY1zI3bFeQhz5hxJ60q-Kr8H/s1600/DSC_0042.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0SA5VBTIkQ66dJr4kiaSTVGzZxn2CIbK1tWHxq8J8qRpkZzAa-Rr-ZdrwbHLJy9kANilUgDJpAucWspbgu36UoWEJR-NbevS68d7D583kz2PzCV3h7pNbfY1zI3bFeQhz5hxJ60q-Kr8H/s640/DSC_0042.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">found a new gluten free/dairy free cookbook that makes me want to live in the kitchen, </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSigSrnzcusNftuaeB9PFQU5lU6WGmk8C-g7SkXi67Yy24WPRryKGYlm0uRitgU80rJlOryediCRuJYfCAE0Po-uzdBxcI0YMX9akHgXYSj5fHugAYNeFXHKdGweZ-yGBBcVlGooIvhEDr/s1600/DSC_0078.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSigSrnzcusNftuaeB9PFQU5lU6WGmk8C-g7SkXi67Yy24WPRryKGYlm0uRitgU80rJlOryediCRuJYfCAE0Po-uzdBxcI0YMX9akHgXYSj5fHugAYNeFXHKdGweZ-yGBBcVlGooIvhEDr/s640/DSC_0078.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidz_B_QjT3iCaIrjptd_4e613Ex6RXWZfMgzKCYAm9Gx8cBDtzk6FVUn57ccqKMqYdURHv4dPVa6GrebWNVhfi2EPh4hK8x8lhj0T3mvkbdbzs18gRyrLOThObU7G55Gg2MtYrRvDnXZks/s1600/DSC_0080.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidz_B_QjT3iCaIrjptd_4e613Ex6RXWZfMgzKCYAm9Gx8cBDtzk6FVUn57ccqKMqYdURHv4dPVa6GrebWNVhfi2EPh4hK8x8lhj0T3mvkbdbzs18gRyrLOThObU7G55Gg2MtYrRvDnXZks/s640/DSC_0080.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf8pvk1eIRAjgA-nNx-l4e0AaNEiUVdqjeRcSs6FbwGfdrNaP-SaE0y3WF05aIDhv3K5-gNACLzhiRPGAR8YvHLS_wQe1omoQ11mGcP3WapoVV-bq53Kz6j3WKq3GRzdMV05KqsaZRIJnY/s1600/DSC_0081.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf8pvk1eIRAjgA-nNx-l4e0AaNEiUVdqjeRcSs6FbwGfdrNaP-SaE0y3WF05aIDhv3K5-gNACLzhiRPGAR8YvHLS_wQe1omoQ11mGcP3WapoVV-bq53Kz6j3WKq3GRzdMV05KqsaZRIJnY/s640/DSC_0081.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">got a new work station, </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0dXZtH9j7sGVqio8CJLPh9EHTe9mTjlzfPqihECDzkn_f6mEIfrsVaNIdRJPmWET1gH76OosYGrRorfPGD0qg7SwaKlP_ci7rrzBXRyaJHlUAh_O9zXnJX2UTjsu2mElMXLPf0Ij3ySXP/s1600/DSC_0045.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0dXZtH9j7sGVqio8CJLPh9EHTe9mTjlzfPqihECDzkn_f6mEIfrsVaNIdRJPmWET1gH76OosYGrRorfPGD0qg7SwaKlP_ci7rrzBXRyaJHlUAh_O9zXnJX2UTjsu2mElMXLPf0Ij3ySXP/s640/DSC_0045.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpaeL5XxYN4ctXil_p93tgCChpyhBV0lvUPFh_AdAQDFQpb9GgrCK06mapvPTsShoszsLCchKHm7l9XLUBcyRacxzfiRSuepWq1SDC5PntxnYkz67guHohOdMc9Li5qvQZB6KWC3bJBUE7/s1600/DSC_0077.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpaeL5XxYN4ctXil_p93tgCChpyhBV0lvUPFh_AdAQDFQpb9GgrCK06mapvPTsShoszsLCchKHm7l9XLUBcyRacxzfiRSuepWq1SDC5PntxnYkz67guHohOdMc9Li5qvQZB6KWC3bJBUE7/s640/DSC_0077.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">am still learning how to use my Christmas present from the Mr... (yep that's my Rolleicord Va Type 1!!!)...</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz_Eo23fCaqWHbjiJyBz4n8RK24DwhCNShNBWrwfKC7AmitpwN8D85Tm-PjqZmp2fv9vkUekh4m8SCKqM71bmx169Pts8Zrx6OYI9ue8mi4ViZG_Q6um3dVdTc-KLBEnvfzROIQOT_uwQI/s1600/DSC_0046.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz_Eo23fCaqWHbjiJyBz4n8RK24DwhCNShNBWrwfKC7AmitpwN8D85Tm-PjqZmp2fv9vkUekh4m8SCKqM71bmx169Pts8Zrx6OYI9ue8mi4ViZG_Q6um3dVdTc-KLBEnvfzROIQOT_uwQI/s640/DSC_0046.jpg" width="640" /> </a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> I also decided that I HATE blogger, because I had to pay $5 for 20 GB of storage because the Bass turds (What? Fish poop is gross but it's not a bad word) said I ran out of storage space. Whatevs. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I wanted to do some mobile uploads of my mommy-son date tonight at CUPCAKE CHIC in Orem. But we still live in the cheap dark ages where we don't have cell phones with data plans, so Sprint charges us up the wazoo for sending photos to email... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Back to Cupcake Chic... They are currently the ONLY cupcake bakery that I know of that sells Gluten Free cupcakes. Z ordered a chocolate one, (they only had two cupcakes left - chocolate and red velvet) and we sat down to test it out... the verdict? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Well, I tried a bite of it, and I will say that Z scarfed up the frosting, which to me tasted like sugary shortening... not my favorite flavor... and wasn't really in to the cupcake part, because it was pretty dry and crumbly... not my favorite texture... but it tasted OKAY... not great. The upside is that it only cost $2.25, which is kind of a rip off, but not for specialty stuff. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But I am giving major MAJOR kudos to these guys for trying what everyone else seems to be scared of trying! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Also on a side note... PIZZA PIE CAFE (my local favorite) is selling GLUTEN FREE PIZZA now! :) And it's pretty dang good... I think I would like it better if had a different texture, but I am not going to be a whiner. I'm just stoked I can eat at my favorite pizza place again! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I have added to my no eats list. Currently I am gluten (duh) free, DAIRY (oy) free, and SUGAR (yeah you heard that right) free... So my diet is restricted, but it's okay. I am not only losing weight, (yep, it's true!) I am feeling better, and I am actually regulating my insulin resistance problem which means there might (PRAY FOR US PLEASE!) be a chance we will be adding another baby to this family this year... which would be, well, in one word... A-MAY-ZING.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">So, I am going to do better about blogging... well, I'll try. :) </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Thanks for reading! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">With Love, </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Suz</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-30937323439442820332011-01-04T12:30:00.000-05:002011-01-04T12:30:08.660-05:00Goodbye 2010Well, I figured that I should start the new year and the new decade with something. I would like to take a moment to reflect on the year that was. Only for a moment, before moving on to the future. <br />
<br />
2010 brought new experiences with it. I started a business, with great fear and trepidation. I learned that I am very capable of following my dreams, but that I am riddled with self doubt. I consistently question if I am up to snuff, or whether I should throw in the towel and let someone with more talent and drive take my place. However, I also learned that people like what I do. I learned that I DO have talent, and instead of getting mired down in all the what-if's, I decided to just work hard at improving my art. I learned, and hopefully proved, that having a nice camera isn't the only thing you need to take pictures that are lovely. You need talent too. I am finally starting to believe in myself, which feels amazing. I can't tell you how incredible it felt to start a year with huge amounts of self doubt, and end it feeling very confident in my abilities. Being a hobbyist photographer for the past 13 years was fun, and so I decided to take it to the next level. I have loved photography for a long time, and even won second place at a local state fair in California for a picture I took in high school. But I was always too afraid to try anything for fear of rejection. However, with the encouragement of my beautiful husband, and my wonderful mother, I tried to make my passion in to a business, and I saw tremendous success for my first year. I can't describe how amazing it feels to follow a dream and see it come to fruition. <br />
<br />
I grew a little closer to my Heavenly Father too. There were times this year when I got really low, and needed help. He never failed me. Ever. <br />
<br />
I was able to help people, which felt amazing. I have never really felt that I could really serve others, because, well, I felt so inadequate. But, this year, I looked for opportunities to serve others, and I was able to. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not tooting my own horn, but expressing gratitude for those who let me serve them, because I feel I gained so much from those experiences. I hope that this year I can do more than I did this last year. Doing good for others feels so good. <br />
<br />
I saw my son grow exponentially. After going gluten free, he has grown physically, but I feel it is largely responsible for how healthy he is. He is thriving, and living and breathing and keeping me going most days. I love watching him learn and explore. He is such an amazing little person, and it has been my honor to be his mother. I look forward to another year of amazing moments with him. <br />
<br />
I went gluten free... a few times. I learned that my body can't handle certain foods at all. I gained better health by learning to listen to my body. I hope that this next year will keep me on the right path to better total health and well being. I am now totally gluten free, and loving it most days, and hating it others, but either way, sticking to it. :) <br />
<br />
I went back to school this last fall. I realized that I can't run faster than I have strength. Putting too much on my plate doesn't make me happy, or a better mother or better wife, or better person. I have learned to pace myself. I realized that I may need to wait until my son is older to go back to actual school. I also learned that right now, what I want to study can wait. I can go out in to the world and have life experience right now. Classrooms are not meant for me at this time in my life. And I also learned that that's okay. <br />
<br />
This last year I took a hard look at my attitude and decided I needed a change. Positivity is the key to success in every aspect of life. <br />
<br />
We had financial troubles that were unexpected, and we worried that we wouldn't have enough to stay afloat. However, with much heartfelt prayer, and a lot of hard work, I was able to keep our heads above water in the last few months with my "hobby" and that felt incredible. <br />
<br />
2010 showed us that maybe the path we were on was the wrong path, and so we have re-evaluated everything, and taken an unexpected turn, which we hope is the right choice for our family. <br />
<br />
We saw the thrill of "one more semester!" and then the immense let down that comes with, "two more semesters!" <br />
<br />
I got bit by a dog, in the face, and stayed amazingly calm while wiping the blood off of my face. <br />
<br />
I cleaned up more barf than I care to ever again, because of a bout with the stomach flu that my son had. <br />
<br />
I decided on my birthday in December that 2010 will be the last year of my life that is spent wasting my life being overweight. I am DONE. <br />
<br />
2010 brought me some new faces whom I love and will be forever grateful for. <br />
<br />
In 2010 my son spent his last Sunday in Nursery, and will now be a Primary member. <br />
<br />
I hope that 2011 will bring all the happiness that all of us want. :) <br />
<br />
With Love, <br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-12547254512296593452010-12-05T15:15:00.000-05:002010-12-05T15:15:35.090-05:00MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!This has become a family tradition over the past four Christmas seasons, so here is our Elf Yourself Christmas Card! <br />
<br />
<div style='background-color:#e9e9e9; width: 425px;'><object id='A605778' quality='high' data='http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/client/zero/ClientZero_EmbedViewer.swf?external_make_id=v7VjrM50UTtBZzUA&service=elfyourself.jibjab.com&partnerID=ElfYourself' pluginspage='http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' wmode='transparent' height='319' width='425'><param name='wmode' value='transparent'></param><param name='movie' value='http://aka.zero.jibjab.com/client/zero/ClientZero_EmbedViewer.swf?external_make_id=v7VjrM50UTtBZzUA&service=elfyourself.jibjab.com&partnerID=ElfYourself'></param><param name='scaleMode' value='showAll'></param><param name='quality' value='high'></param><param name='allowNetworking' value='all'></param><param name='allowFullScreen' value='true' /><param name='FlashVars' value='external_make_id=v7VjrM50UTtBZzUA&service=elfyourself.jibjab.com&partnerID=ElfYourself'></param><param name='allowScriptAccess' value='always'></param></object></div><br />
<br />
MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I love you very much! <br />
With Love, <br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-72212178461607045172010-10-23T20:34:00.000-04:002010-10-23T20:34:09.969-04:00It's been a while...Hello bloggy world. It's been a while. I am sorry. I have been blogging over on my photo blog, but just not here. What to say? What do you want to hear? Should I leave you with a recipe? No. Should I tell a joke? No. What do I say? How about a list... yes. I think a list will do.<br />
<br />
What's on my mind...<br />
<br />
I hate it when Z gets sick from other people's children who have been brought out in to public/to school/to church when they are sick... honestly people, are you really that inconsiderate and selfish? Is your life the only life that might be inconvenienced if your child is sick? Does no one else need to go to class or to their jobs, that they don't mind that their child is sick? I mean, If you can't go to class because your child is sick, then you can't go to class. Get over it. You are responsible for taking care of your child. When my son is sick, I don't take him to school, which means, GUESS WHAT! I stay home with him and take care of him and don't give what he has to any other children! It's called consideration. Why don't you try it? Not only did Z catch croup, but now I am sick as well. Boo.<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't care what anyone says, "Caillou" is not the new Charlie Brown. That is ridiculous.<br />
<br />
<br />
I have been very blessed lately (especially). It means so much to me that my prayers are being answered and my Heavenly Father is so mindful of my family and our needs.<br />
<br />
<br />
I believe in doing good to others. Karma aside, it is important to be kind and good and compassionate.<br />
<br />
<br />
Apple Cider Vinegar is awesome.<br />
<br />
That is all.<br />
<br />
With Love,<br />
SuzSusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199612315654788687.post-27854855063631702212010-08-18T15:59:00.000-04:002010-08-18T15:59:06.010-04:00LDS Charities<object style="background-image: url(http://i2.ytimg.com/vi/uYrNBpJly9s/hqdefault.jpg);" width="480" height="295"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/uYrNBpJly9s?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/uYrNBpJly9s?fs=1&hl=en_US" allowscriptaccess="never" allowfullscreen="true" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="295"></embed></object>Susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02926465250260408238noreply@blogger.com0