Sunday, May 9, 2010

Feeling sad...

This morning, I woke up to breakfast from my sweetheart and my little one. But, for some reason, I woke up with a feeling of dread. Now, some of you may know what I'm talking about... others may not. Do you know that feeling that you can't shake, like something bad is going to happen? You just can't figure out why you are so sad or scared, until... you find out why.

8 years ago, when Husband and I got married, we found a sweet yellow lab puppy. She was so full of life and was so beautiful. We named her Daisy. We took her everywhere, and we loved her so much. She was even the theme of a college essay that I wrote about someone I cared about, much to the amusement of my college professor, who loved the paper, and at the end, wrote in the margin, "I think you're ready for children." Little did he know that Daisy would be our only child for a while yet.

She was happy, and so sweet. Always giving kisses and big bear hugs. She loved to hug. She couldn't stand to be left out of hugs. She would often jump up on her hind legs and wrap her front legs around you. She loved everyone, and had a beautiful spirit.

When we moved to Las Vegas, we couldn't take her with us, and I was devastated. But, I knew that she would have a good home, where she would be very loved with my mom. So, she moved across two states to end up in Colorado. She has been there since 2005 when we sadly had to leave her in a new home and go off on our own adventure where dogs weren't allowed-much to our heartbreak.

We visited Colorado, and I thought she would have forgotten us. But, she remembered right away and immediately looked around to make sure both Bryan and I were in fact there. She stayed by our sides throughout the visits, and loved us and made up for all the lost kisses over the year we had been gone.

I remember once I was sick with a migraine for a week, back in 2003, and Daisy was my constant companion throughout that week. She followed me everywhere, even when I was huddled in a ball over the toilet bowl barfing my guts out. I actually remember her putting a paw on my back, as if to say, "It's okay, I'm here," and then giving me a kiss on the nose when I turned to her with tears in my eyes and said "thank you, Daisy. You're a good friend." She would lie down next to me, and didn't leave my side when I was sick. She was the perfect friend. It broke my heart to say goodbye to her when we had to leave.

Today, I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mothers Day, and she answered in tears. I knew something was wrong, and I waited to find out why I had been so sad all day. "Daisy hemorrhaged," she said. "What?" I asked. "Daisy...(sobbing) she.. she's gone." I started bawling. My baby. My first baby, was dead.

Something happened, we don't know what, but she started bleeding on the inside, and she came in to say goodbye and get a drink of water, and quietly left the house, leaving a trail of blood on her way out, and lay down in the bushes and died. My mom found her after she was gone.

I don't know what happened. She could have ate something that hurt her, or something inside could have ruptured, but she died in a way that makes me so sad. I couldn't be there for her in her hour of need, to ever repay her for how she took care of me all the times when I was sick. She died alone, and probably in a lot of pain. But, she didn't want to be a bother, and so she walked quietly over to a hidden place and passed away.

My heart is broken. I am so completely an emotional wreck right now. She was still so young and vibrant. I don't know what happened, and it just makes me sick to think of her all alone. I mean, I don't blame my mom... Daisy didn't make a fuss, there's no way she could have known something happened. It just makes me so sad that she is gone, and that she probably suffered a lot of pain.

So, today my sweet doggie died, and I am very, very sad. I loved her so much, and I only wish I could have pet her one last time, or just been there for her, so she knew how much I loved her.

Happy Mothers Day, everyone. Even if you are Mother to only Dogs and Cats, you are still a mommy to me. Pets truly become family. I know all of mine have.

To Daisy! A boon companion!

May your day bring you much better news than mine.

With Love,


Pattee said...

So beautifully put. She did not cry and went very quickly.

Olivia Carter said...

Dude, DANG you Suz! You totally made me cry. BAH! I'm an emotional wreak the past 3 days & this just made my tear ducts start working again!

Sorry for you loss. She looks like a sweet puppy.

Brenda Lee said...

That is so sad.. :( I'm so sorry Suz, and Aunt Patty and Brian!.. :(