Sunday, May 2, 2010

A few things.

I have a few things on my mind.

1. I hate, HATE when movies are portrayed one way, so you go in to it with certain expectations, and then you are let down tremendously. For example, Defendor and the Informant! were both portrayed in the trailers as COMEDIES... however, Defendor was actually quite sad-not funny at all, and the Informant! went nowhere and I don't think Husband or I laughed once. Very disappointing.

2. I really dislike movies about Demons or demonic things, as well as evil people... like rapists, serial killers, you know, people doing awful disgusting things to other people... especially children. WHY IS THIS ENTERTAINMENT???

3. I think it's really sad and terrifying how trusting people are here. They don't watch where their children are, they let them roam everywhere, and often just trust someone else has the same morals and values as them, and that their children will be alright. It scares me, honestly. I don't like it.

4. I think every woman needs to learn self defense... REAL self defense. I was watching Ruby the other day, and she went to an MMA fighter to learn self defense. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I want to learn to defend myself. Anyone else out there want to go with me? Or know of a good place that's not just some dude in a lot of padding that attacks you from obvious angles?

5. I want a gun. I mean, I want to be safe. But I'm seriously considering getting my concealed permit. I know, who would have ever thought I would want that?

6. I have a strong desire to learn just about everything. I have this thirst for knowledge. I want to know more than one language fluently, and I want to know things like how the economy really works, and how to fix my car.

7. I want to succeed in what I set my mind to. I want to help support my family, without compromising staying home with my little one.

8. Husband and I talk about the what if's a lot. Last night I asked him "What if we can't have any more children?" And do you know what he said? "There are plenty of children in the world who need a good home. I think we could adopt a child and be just as happy as if he were our own." I almost cried. He is so wonderful.

9. Why is it that so many people can't look past one thing and see the good in people? There is good everywhere you look, but sometimes you have to look harder than other times. But it's still there.

10. I wish forgiveness was easier. It breaks my heart to see people carrying around grudges and anger, when it feels so good to let it go.

11. Today Ez climbed out of his playpen after his nap was over at PaPa's house. He is fearless.

12. I love it so much when Ez wants to cuddle with me. I feel bad when Husband wants to hug him, but he wiggles free and asks for me. But, I secretly like it too. I miss when he was so tiny and he would fall asleep on my chest and lie there for hours and hours. In fact, those wee hours of the morning when he would wake in the middle of the night were my favorite, because it was just him and me while everyone else was sleeping, and I could sing to him, and we would have a very special little moment. There is something so amazing about your baby lying on your chest. I feel safe, and I feel so loved. It's amazing, and I have to admit, I miss it.

13. Ez is hilarious. He makes me laugh daily. Even when he's shouting and not getting his way, he is still the most beautiful, amazing person I have ever known in my life.

14. My PaPa was my best friend. He was also the only father I had ever known. So, when he died, I lost three people: My grandfather, my father and my best friend. It was excruciating to say good bye, and I honestly think about him every day. It's been 5 years, and though the pain isn't as severe, when I do think about him, it comes flooding back and the ache is so strong. When I see my son sitting in his Great Papa's chair, I cry thinking that I never got to witness two such wonderful and special people in my life interact. My Papa would have loved my little one, and my little one would have loved his Great Papa. But, it comforts me to think they spent time together before Ez came to this world. They are good friends. I just know it. Maybe it's a silly thought, but it comforts me. I am crying right now as I type. I seriously miss him so much. Is it weird that I still have his old phone number in my cell phone? I still go to call him sometimes. I need to stop.

15. My husband remains my rock in this life. He is so amazing. He supports me...every crazy idea I have, he supports me.

16. Heavenly Father loves me. He loves you. He cares for us and our welfare, even when at times we don't think He does. He wants us to be happy, but also knows that the hard times are necessary for our growth. Rely on the Savior and His ability to heal you. Rely on His strength when you feel weak. Rely on Him when you feel strong too, and when the hard times come, they will seem easier. They don't go away, but they do seem easier. Everything is possible with the help of God and His son.

17. Even though there are times when I feel so low, I know... I'm fully aware of how blessed I am. I live in the United States, where I have so many freedoms that I take for granted. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ to answer a lot of the questions that I have about what this life means and where I am going after this life is over. I have a very loving family and family-in-law. I have a son who is healthy, smart, loving, kind, caring, and beautiful. I have a husband who finds me attractive, and loves me unconditionally. He treats me so well. So many women don't have that. I am so blessed to have that. My heart is just so full.

18. I have wonderful friends. I can't say enough about how much I love my friends. They make me pretty happy.

19. I really want to recycle. I hate liter. I really don't like it when I see people litter. It bothers me a lot.

20. I really want to take a road trip. I want to go back to Chico. I miss it a lot.

21. I love Reed's Extra Ginger Beer. It is amazing.

22. I kind of hate facebook for the most part.

23. I love being able to take photographs. I think photography is so beautiful. I respect those who put things out in to the world that is truly art. I love that you can capture a moment and prove to others that the world is beautiful and good.

24. I want to do good in this world. I want to help others. I want to contribute something of worth in this world. When I was in high school I wanted to join the peace corps. I moved to Utah instead. ha ha.

25. It makes me really sad when I lose contact with people who I was close to at one point. When friends grow apart or just decide they don't need me in their lives anymore... makes me so sad and confused. I have a hard time letting go. I don't like the thought that people don't like me. I know you can't please everyone, but it still makes me so sad to know that I'm not liked.

26. I love my mother. She is so generous and good. She means well and loves me so much. I love seeing her with Ez. They bring each other so much happiness. It's beautiful to see.

27. I am really glad that I found my father. I felt I needed to find him, and, well that's a different story entirely, but I just am so grateful to finally have him in my life. He is trying so hard to make up for all the lost time. 28 years without him, and now I feel that hole is filled. Finally. It wasn't that everyone else wasn't enough, but I think that everyone feels the need and the want to know where they come from. I am lucky that he wanted to be in my life. He embraced it. I am so grateful. I was so scared he wouldn't.

28. I am so grateful that I was able to find the answers to Ez's health problems. I was so scared. We tried so long to have him, and to watch him lose weight and become so sick, without seemingly anything really causing it, was terrifying. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for leading me in the directions to find the answers to my questions. I'm also thankful that I was able to listen well enough to follow. Now I have a healthy, vibrant, thriving child who is one of the loves of my life.

29. I want to be done with school... not like, never want to learn again, but I want us to be done with the required stuff so we can figure out where we are going to live and what we are going to do, and just do it. I am tired of living in rental apartments and dealing with the stress of the where's and when's. I just want it to be over!

30. I worry about everything. I am a bit of a hypochondriac, and worry constantly that something is seriously wrong with me... I worry about dying... not so much of what will happen to me, but what will happen to my family. I don't want us to be a part. I worry what will happen if I died. Husband would have a very hard time. Ez... well, I don't even want to think about it. It scares me. I love my little family and our little life. Even when it is hard and it feels downright sucky, my life is good, and I am so happy.

That was a lot. I had a lot on my mind. Husband often finds it fascinating that I can have so much in my brain at once... yeah, I'm a little crazy.

Goodnight friends.

With Love,
Suz

3 comments:

The Mama said...

Oh Susie! I need to do a list like this sometime. Some of those very things you posted are what I would as well. Uncle Leo was such an awesome man, so so funny. Thinking of my Grandpa passing away kills me, I know someday it will happen and I will the hardest time ever.

love ya tons

Olivia Carter said...

Wow- that is quite a list!

I'd totally do a self defense class with you. I've taken a few ones with our church group in high school- living in MD & DC means you really do have to be cautious.

And I agree about parents just letting their kids wander around. Just the other day we had a 2 year old wander into our backyard and sit at our back sliding door. I went out and tried to get her to direct me to her house but then a mom came from like, DOWN THE ROAD, oh, sorry, was she in your backyard? I'm like, AH she walked like 2 blocks away. Scary! If I were a bad person I could have stolen her so fast. EEEKKK!

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