Thursday, February 4, 2010

Today, (SIGH) Today.

Today started out kind of strange. I felt a lingering sense of doom and gloom. I tried to ignore it as much as possible, but it remained. No matter how sweet my husband was, no matter how funny and cute my son was, I remained in a state of perpetual sadness and encroaching anxiety.

I hate that I get this way every once in a while, and I especially hate it when there is no apparent reason behind it. However, I should count my blessings that there ISN'T something behind it, shouldn't I?

Even as I sit here, typing my feelings in a somewhat coherent jumble, my mind is shrouded in a dark cloud. I am sad. I am homesick. I miss my friends, and my family. I feel cut off from everything and everyone. Even though I know I have good friends here, who I'm sure I could call up and say, "Hey, I need to be cheered up," I am missing the friends I haven't seen in years, and the place I used to call home.

Is it still home if your family has left?

I feel so nervous and so anxious to know what is going to happen after this year, that I'm having trouble enjoying the here and now. I don't want to feel unhappy. I don't want to be moody and brooding. I want to be happy, energetic, optimistic and all around joyful. I want to laugh until it hurts and then laugh some more. I want to feel so much joy that it feels like sunshine in my bones.

I just want to feel like I can get through a day without wanting to cry. I'm not entirely sure how to do that. I'm not entirely sure if it's possible.

Not to worry. I am sure this feeling will pass in a day or two. I just wish these days never came around.

With Love,


Olivia Carter said...

I'm so sorry you had a rough day!

But call me! We need to make a plan for tomorrow- hanging out and doing something FAB!

Brenda Lee said...

Hey Suz,
I just happened too come to your blog today and I read this. I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. I am sure it probably has to do with the winter months. I am fighting it too. This winter I have done better than previous winter months, but it is definately a very strong struggle for me too. Do you think that has anything to do with it? You're probably getting cabin fever. Good news though, spring will be here before we even know it!

Susan said...

Thanks guys!

I think I suffer from SAD, but I also have been thinking for a while that I suffer from PMDD as well. I get the blues every month. It sucks, and I'm just trying to learn to deal with it.