Today started out kind of strange. I felt a lingering sense of doom and gloom. I tried to ignore it as much as possible, but it remained. No matter how sweet my husband was, no matter how funny and cute my son was, I remained in a state of perpetual sadness and encroaching anxiety.
I hate that I get this way every once in a while, and I especially hate it when there is no apparent reason behind it. However, I should count my blessings that there ISN'T something behind it, shouldn't I?
Even as I sit here, typing my feelings in a somewhat coherent jumble, my mind is shrouded in a dark cloud. I am sad. I am homesick. I miss my friends, and my family. I feel cut off from everything and everyone. Even though I know I have good friends here, who I'm sure I could call up and say, "Hey, I need to be cheered up," I am missing the friends I haven't seen in years, and the place I used to call home.
Is it still home if your family has left?
I feel so nervous and so anxious to know what is going to happen after this year, that I'm having trouble enjoying the here and now. I don't want to feel unhappy. I don't want to be moody and brooding. I want to be happy, energetic, optimistic and all around joyful. I want to laugh until it hurts and then laugh some more. I want to feel so much joy that it feels like sunshine in my bones.
I just want to feel like I can get through a day without wanting to cry. I'm not entirely sure how to do that. I'm not entirely sure if it's possible.
Not to worry. I am sure this feeling will pass in a day or two. I just wish these days never came around.