A long time ago, I made a list, as most people do, stating what I wanted to do with my life. This list kind of went in to obscurity somewhere in the bottom of an old shoebox shoved in another box in the back of a closet, underneath a stack of old sweaters, that has moved with me over 15 times throughout my adult life.
Well, I will be 30 in a few short months...(less than two actually)... and I decided to do a little spring cleaning in the fall. I found the list, and I must say that my life has taken quite a different road. At first it made me reminiscent, reading this list, of my childlike belief in this world and my abilities to do what I wanted to do. Then, it made me laugh, thinking about how ridiculous my dreams were. Then, it made me sad, and the sadness lingered. My life is not how I planned it. This wasn't what I wanted for myself. I am not who I ever thought I would end up being.
1. Draw/paint something daily.
2. Act my heart out onstage or in movies for the rest of my life.
3. Have a bachelor's degree by the time I'm 25.
4. Get married to a wonderful man.
5. Be done having children by the time I'm 30.
6. Have at least 2 children.
7. Never lose your identity.
8. Travel extensively.
9. Join the peace corps, or devote time to serve others.
10. Never lose touch with people that matter the most.
11. Laugh every day.
I must say that looking at this list, it does bring tears to my eyes, and makes me relish in simpler days. My list of actual accomplishments include:
1. Got married to a wonderful man.
2. Had the sweetest little boy on the planet (though I'm not finished if I can help it)
3. I laugh every day, even if it is through tears.
Life has taken me down quite a different path. I am not an actress, in fact, I haven't been in a play since my senior year of high school. I rarely draw or paint anymore. I don't even have my associates degree, though I am working on it. I have most certainly lost my identity, becoming a mother, I don't even know what I like to do anymore. My extensive travels have consisted of moving from place to place, but sticking pretty much to what I know. I am not and have never been in the peace corps.
It is sad when you see unfinished or unaccomplished goals. But, then I think, is this really so bad? So what if my life isn't turning out as I planned it. Does anything ever turn out how we imagine it, especially if when we imagined it, we were starry eyed children?
I have accomplished more than I ever could doing all the things on that list. I am married to someone who cherishes me, and I am a mother, and I love my son so much. I also laugh every day, even when all I really want to do is cry some times. Aren't those the things that make life worth living? I am surrounded by goodness in my little family. Sure, we aren't settled in a home, we can't afford to go on trips or to eat out every week, but we are rich in the things that matter most: Love, and devotion to each other.
I don't need a lot of money. I don't need credentials under my belt. I have accomplished a lot in my 30 years. It may not seem like much to the outsider looking in, but to me, someone on the inside, it is my world, and I am content.