Today was interesting for me. My son turned two, and officially made me realize that he is no longer a baby, and that my life as a mother has begun to evolve in to the next phase.
He doesn't need me as often as he used to, and in fact, usually expresses in a very two-year-old way that he wants to do it himself.
I spoke with a friend today and she told me something simple, yet profound. "The joys of motherhood are fleeting." She's right. Most days, I can't imagine that I make anyone happy, especially my son. Some days, I think I'm doing a really bad job. Some days, I feel completely overwhelmed and unappreciated. Some days, I want to, as that same friend said, "cry in the hallway."
But, there are those moments, when he comes up to me for no apparent reason to pat my back and tell me, "Good girl, Momma." There are moments when I am caught crying in the hallway, and he gives me a big hug, says, "Mommy sad? 'sokay Momma. I wuboo Momma." There are tender moments when he wants to be held, and wants to be as close to me as possible, and pets my hair and makes me laugh. There are moments, brief glimpses in the slew of "those days," when he shows me what I'm doing right, and keeps me on track.
I love being a mother. As challenging and as hard as it seems some days, it is worth it, and it is good.
I look at pictures from the day he was born, and I sigh and remember the newness of this child and the promises I made to him; to care for him, to love him, to show him every day that he is special and good, to never take him for granted. I think of the time that I have had with him since that day, and I cherish being able to watch him grow in to a person of his own. He has his own thoughts and ideas and such an imagination and sense of humor. He is so unique and lovely. He is so beautiful and kind, compassionate and loving. He is also stubborn and two. However, as I reflect, I realize that motherhood may seem to be just glimpses here and there of the tender moments, but it really is much more than that. It is the joy and the pain, the laughter and the tears, the carefree and the worriesome. That is what makes it so special.
So, on those days when things seem so overwhelming and I feel so unappreciated, I know I have those glimpses to look forward to, those moments when, my son truly shines forth a light in the darkness and brings me back to my senses.
Life is good, and I am so grateful for the blessing of being a mother. I am so thankful to be able to see, day in and day out, the joys and pains of motherhood.
So, to my little boy, I say this, you are more loved than you know, and you bring much goodness in to this world. In your two short years, and they really have seemed short, you have given me so much. I look forward to all the years ahead and can't wait to see what you teach me next. Thank you, my angel. Happy Birthday.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
FYI
First, let me just say that I love acronyms. Love them.
Second, FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
Old Navy is having a HUGE CLEARANCE SALE RIGHT NOW! 50% off the clearance prices!
Today I got Two pairs of Jeans for the hubs, ($3.48 a pair!) One pair of dress pants for him, ($4.99) Two pairs of shorts for the little man, ($1.99 a pair!) A cute new shirt for me, that makes me feel all girly and cute, ($3.99) and some cute new green pants: That's right, I said GREEN PANTS! ($8.99). I spent a grand total of $27.53 on this purchase, and that is cheaper than the Not-so-on-sale jeans I bought from them two weeks ago... ($29.50).
I LOVE getting bargains, and I don't know about you all, but to me, I love my clothes even more when I know I got a steal of a deal on them!
In the last two days, I have spent a little more money than usual, on some clothes to make me feel a little cuter and a little less... homely... ha ha. No seriously.
I bought some adorable high heels, in a fabulous shade of PURPLE with a cute buckle on the toe for $14.99 at Ross, as well as some cute little black flats with hot little rhinestones and bedazzling gems on the toes for $9.99.
So, if any of you know any fun sales going on, or just know where I can get GREAT DEALS on cute things... even if they are used cute things, let me know! :)
Come on Girls! We gotta look out for each other!
Second, FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
Old Navy is having a HUGE CLEARANCE SALE RIGHT NOW! 50% off the clearance prices!
Today I got Two pairs of Jeans for the hubs, ($3.48 a pair!) One pair of dress pants for him, ($4.99) Two pairs of shorts for the little man, ($1.99 a pair!) A cute new shirt for me, that makes me feel all girly and cute, ($3.99) and some cute new green pants: That's right, I said GREEN PANTS! ($8.99). I spent a grand total of $27.53 on this purchase, and that is cheaper than the Not-so-on-sale jeans I bought from them two weeks ago... ($29.50).
I LOVE getting bargains, and I don't know about you all, but to me, I love my clothes even more when I know I got a steal of a deal on them!
In the last two days, I have spent a little more money than usual, on some clothes to make me feel a little cuter and a little less... homely... ha ha. No seriously.
I bought some adorable high heels, in a fabulous shade of PURPLE with a cute buckle on the toe for $14.99 at Ross, as well as some cute little black flats with hot little rhinestones and bedazzling gems on the toes for $9.99.
So, if any of you know any fun sales going on, or just know where I can get GREAT DEALS on cute things... even if they are used cute things, let me know! :)
Come on Girls! We gotta look out for each other!
New Friends
Here is another post on being almost 30... Okay, so it's not really about that entirely.
A while ago, I was under the feeling and impression that I was too old to make or need new friends. I have what I have, and the effort it takes to meet new people is just more than I'm willing to expend.
However, I have decided lately that I am wrong. WRONG. W-R-O-N-G!
I will always love my old reliables, and no one can ever REPLACE my tried and true friends. But, what about other kindred spirits in this world that I'm not giving a fair chance?
I have decided to turn over a new leaf. Goodbye grumpy Suz. Hello new-outlook-on-life Suz! I am actively pursuing new friends. Applications are currently being accepted. The line starts here.
Now, in the last few years, I have become somewhat, socially awkward. I know, I know, it's so sad, and so shocking. But, I am poking my little turtle head out of it's comfortable shell, and looking around for others of my kind.
So, here's what you need to know about me:
1. I get lonely and bored at home all day, and need social interactions with adults.
2. I am silly.
3. Sometimes I'm reserved.
4. I love to laugh.
5. I am open to people of ALL walks of life.
6. I try not to judge others.
7. I love to sew and craft.
8. I just started knitting.
9. I LOVE movies.
10. I love to read, when I have time.
11. I am a generally happy person.
12. I am a good listener.
13. I love art and photography and would love someone to help me hone my skills! :)
14. I'm a mommy and a wifey.
15. I love to stomp in puddles.
16. I love to cook and bake.
17. I'm completely unorganized.
18. I'm often late, even though I don't like to be.
19. Sometimes I think about dying my hair red, or putting a fun stripe of color in the mix.
20. I talk a lot... which can be a good or bad thing.
Honestly, I'm looking for friends to help me get through the days and weeks of being an at home mommy, who don't mind if at times, without thinking, I answer their questions in song. (I sometimes sing what I say to Ezra... he thinks it's funny).
Since deciding to change my old, lame ways, I have hung out with Miss Olivia a few times, and I must say that she is a hoot. Our kiddos seem to get along pretty well, and I hope she has as much fun as I do hanging out! She is one of the most individual people, with a unique (and AWESOME!) style and fun demeanor that I have met! She is truly a genuine person and I am glad she is willing to hang out with me! :) Olivia! Just a side note, I would love to go to DI or Savers with you to find some forgotten treasures! :)
I am also trying to be more proactive in involving others who seem to need more interactions as well. You never know how good of a friend a person might be unless you give it a go!
I am enjoying my new lease on friendship and am hoping to expand my fun!
A while ago, I was under the feeling and impression that I was too old to make or need new friends. I have what I have, and the effort it takes to meet new people is just more than I'm willing to expend.
However, I have decided lately that I am wrong. WRONG. W-R-O-N-G!
I will always love my old reliables, and no one can ever REPLACE my tried and true friends. But, what about other kindred spirits in this world that I'm not giving a fair chance?
I have decided to turn over a new leaf. Goodbye grumpy Suz. Hello new-outlook-on-life Suz! I am actively pursuing new friends. Applications are currently being accepted. The line starts here.
Now, in the last few years, I have become somewhat, socially awkward. I know, I know, it's so sad, and so shocking. But, I am poking my little turtle head out of it's comfortable shell, and looking around for others of my kind.
So, here's what you need to know about me:
1. I get lonely and bored at home all day, and need social interactions with adults.
2. I am silly.
3. Sometimes I'm reserved.
4. I love to laugh.
5. I am open to people of ALL walks of life.
6. I try not to judge others.
7. I love to sew and craft.
8. I just started knitting.
9. I LOVE movies.
10. I love to read, when I have time.
11. I am a generally happy person.
12. I am a good listener.
13. I love art and photography and would love someone to help me hone my skills! :)
14. I'm a mommy and a wifey.
15. I love to stomp in puddles.
16. I love to cook and bake.
17. I'm completely unorganized.
18. I'm often late, even though I don't like to be.
19. Sometimes I think about dying my hair red, or putting a fun stripe of color in the mix.
20. I talk a lot... which can be a good or bad thing.
Honestly, I'm looking for friends to help me get through the days and weeks of being an at home mommy, who don't mind if at times, without thinking, I answer their questions in song. (I sometimes sing what I say to Ezra... he thinks it's funny).
Since deciding to change my old, lame ways, I have hung out with Miss Olivia a few times, and I must say that she is a hoot. Our kiddos seem to get along pretty well, and I hope she has as much fun as I do hanging out! She is one of the most individual people, with a unique (and AWESOME!) style and fun demeanor that I have met! She is truly a genuine person and I am glad she is willing to hang out with me! :) Olivia! Just a side note, I would love to go to DI or Savers with you to find some forgotten treasures! :)
I am also trying to be more proactive in involving others who seem to need more interactions as well. You never know how good of a friend a person might be unless you give it a go!
I am enjoying my new lease on friendship and am hoping to expand my fun!
Monday, October 26, 2009
What do you want to be known for?
Throughout my life, I have longed to be "known" for many things.
As a child, I wanted to be an artist. I loved to draw, and loved looking at paintings by Renoir, Van Gogh and Monet. My family, friends and teachers saw my potential do be great artist, and I relished in the compliments. I loved to see their impressed faces when they saw my newest "masterpiece." I decided, as a small child, that art was destined to be my calling in life, and wanted at that point, to be forever known as an ARTIST.
As a teenager, I discovered a hidden talent, (that became a not-so hidden talent). I loved films, and I loved plays and the theater. I discovered that I was an actress. I was able to perform pieces of script to a captivated audience and was able, with my words to convince the watcher that I was someone else. I became transformed while on stage. I won state-wide medals in high school drama competitions, and realized as senior in high school, that as long as I was acting, I would be complete, and happy. I wanted to be known as an ACTRESS.
As a newly married adult, at the tender age of 22, I was filled with the good intentions of doing good in the world. I had wide-eyed ambition of molding young minds and being a light to children who may not have a light in their lives. I entered college with the belief that I could be a successful teacher. I began working in a program that put me in the elementary schools, and gave me opportunities to touch children's lives. I had found my true calling in life. I wanted to be known as a TEACHER.
At 25, I wanted to have a baby. We tried and tried, to no avail for two years. Despite the utmost desire of my heart, I began to realize that perhaps, children weren't in the cards for me. We finally found help in a dear friend, and chiropractor. We conceived, and the joyous day that I found out I was expecting, I knew that my true calling had finally come. I wanted to be known as a MOTHER.
Here I am at (almost) 30, and to the world, I appear to be nothing more than the latter, a MOTHER. But, is that really it? Is that really what I am, and ALL that I am? To many people, (especially those who have chosen careers) that is ALL that I am. I am looked at as someone who has settled, someone who has not achieved those dreams of days passed. I am looked at as though I "do nothing."
But, I beg to differ.
Are my drawings in a museum, or even hung on ANY walls? No. But I am an artist. My son and I paint almost daily. He loves the books I draw for him, and he loves for me to draw him "more trucks," and "more airplanes," and "more puppies."
Am I on stage, or in movies like I dreamed of as a young girl? No. But Ezra loves my rendition of the grizzly old pirate captain when I sing and dance the Spongebob Squarepants theme song for him. He loves to see me animated, and I make him laugh daily with my silly faces and over dramatized emotions when he finds me at hide and seek, or when I pretend I can't see him as I call out his name, only to act so surprised when I bump in to him.
Am I teaching in a classroom? No I am not, but I am a teacher. I teach my son daily just by answering his questions, and it makes him happy to know that mommy does her best to help him grow and learn. I love to watch him grow and apply what he's learned with his own ideas and expressive language.
Am I JUST a mother? Is that all I really am? I would have to answer, "yes and no." No, because as a mother you are so many different things. Every day is a new hat to wear. Yes, because being "just" a mother is a great honor. I get to watch and participate actively in the development of my son. What a wonderful career. I am happy to be forever known as a MOTHER.
As a child, I wanted to be an artist. I loved to draw, and loved looking at paintings by Renoir, Van Gogh and Monet. My family, friends and teachers saw my potential do be great artist, and I relished in the compliments. I loved to see their impressed faces when they saw my newest "masterpiece." I decided, as a small child, that art was destined to be my calling in life, and wanted at that point, to be forever known as an ARTIST.
As a teenager, I discovered a hidden talent, (that became a not-so hidden talent). I loved films, and I loved plays and the theater. I discovered that I was an actress. I was able to perform pieces of script to a captivated audience and was able, with my words to convince the watcher that I was someone else. I became transformed while on stage. I won state-wide medals in high school drama competitions, and realized as senior in high school, that as long as I was acting, I would be complete, and happy. I wanted to be known as an ACTRESS.
As a newly married adult, at the tender age of 22, I was filled with the good intentions of doing good in the world. I had wide-eyed ambition of molding young minds and being a light to children who may not have a light in their lives. I entered college with the belief that I could be a successful teacher. I began working in a program that put me in the elementary schools, and gave me opportunities to touch children's lives. I had found my true calling in life. I wanted to be known as a TEACHER.
At 25, I wanted to have a baby. We tried and tried, to no avail for two years. Despite the utmost desire of my heart, I began to realize that perhaps, children weren't in the cards for me. We finally found help in a dear friend, and chiropractor. We conceived, and the joyous day that I found out I was expecting, I knew that my true calling had finally come. I wanted to be known as a MOTHER.
Here I am at (almost) 30, and to the world, I appear to be nothing more than the latter, a MOTHER. But, is that really it? Is that really what I am, and ALL that I am? To many people, (especially those who have chosen careers) that is ALL that I am. I am looked at as someone who has settled, someone who has not achieved those dreams of days passed. I am looked at as though I "do nothing."
But, I beg to differ.
Are my drawings in a museum, or even hung on ANY walls? No. But I am an artist. My son and I paint almost daily. He loves the books I draw for him, and he loves for me to draw him "more trucks," and "more airplanes," and "more puppies."
Am I on stage, or in movies like I dreamed of as a young girl? No. But Ezra loves my rendition of the grizzly old pirate captain when I sing and dance the Spongebob Squarepants theme song for him. He loves to see me animated, and I make him laugh daily with my silly faces and over dramatized emotions when he finds me at hide and seek, or when I pretend I can't see him as I call out his name, only to act so surprised when I bump in to him.
Am I teaching in a classroom? No I am not, but I am a teacher. I teach my son daily just by answering his questions, and it makes him happy to know that mommy does her best to help him grow and learn. I love to watch him grow and apply what he's learned with his own ideas and expressive language.
Am I JUST a mother? Is that all I really am? I would have to answer, "yes and no." No, because as a mother you are so many different things. Every day is a new hat to wear. Yes, because being "just" a mother is a great honor. I get to watch and participate actively in the development of my son. What a wonderful career. I am happy to be forever known as a MOTHER.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
These are a few of my FAV-O-RITE things...
In no particular order, I am going to name some of the things that make me the happiest.
1. Out of nowhere hugs and kisses (from my boys)
2. People and things that make me laugh until I cry.
3. Hand knit scarves in the fall.
4. Window seats with a snuggly blanket, a cup of tea and a good book.
5. Push up bras.
6. Finding old friends I thought I had lost forever.
7. Cuddles with Bryan and Ezra.
8. Steel Magnolias.
9. Watching Empire Records when I'm sick.
10. Orange Juice with ice, a straw, and a cute umbrella.
11. Finishing a to-do list.
12. New socks.
13. concealer.
14. lip gloss
15. Knowing I am loved.
16. Libraries on a rainy day.
17. Baby animals
18. Good music of all genres.
19. Rob Dyrdek's silliness.
20. New nail polish
21. Beautiful art
22. Making something out of what appears to be nothing.
23. The feeling you get right before the lights come up on stage.
24. mascara
25."Acts of Kindness
26. My family and friends
27. Sunday afternoon naps
28. Peanut butter, oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies
29. Boats
30. A breeze on the beach.
1. Out of nowhere hugs and kisses (from my boys)
2. People and things that make me laugh until I cry.
3. Hand knit scarves in the fall.
4. Window seats with a snuggly blanket, a cup of tea and a good book.
5. Push up bras.
6. Finding old friends I thought I had lost forever.
7. Cuddles with Bryan and Ezra.
8. Steel Magnolias.
9. Watching Empire Records when I'm sick.
10. Orange Juice with ice, a straw, and a cute umbrella.
11. Finishing a to-do list.
12. New socks.
13. concealer.
14. lip gloss
15. Knowing I am loved.
16. Libraries on a rainy day.
17. Baby animals
18. Good music of all genres.
19. Rob Dyrdek's silliness.
20. New nail polish
21. Beautiful art
22. Making something out of what appears to be nothing.
23. The feeling you get right before the lights come up on stage.
24. mascara
25."Acts of Kindness
26. My family and friends
27. Sunday afternoon naps
28. Peanut butter, oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies
29. Boats
30. A breeze on the beach.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
My Accomplished-Unaccomplished Life
A long time ago, I made a list, as most people do, stating what I wanted to do with my life. This list kind of went in to obscurity somewhere in the bottom of an old shoebox shoved in another box in the back of a closet, underneath a stack of old sweaters, that has moved with me over 15 times throughout my adult life.
Well, I will be 30 in a few short months...(less than two actually)... and I decided to do a little spring cleaning in the fall. I found the list, and I must say that my life has taken quite a different road. At first it made me reminiscent, reading this list, of my childlike belief in this world and my abilities to do what I wanted to do. Then, it made me laugh, thinking about how ridiculous my dreams were. Then, it made me sad, and the sadness lingered. My life is not how I planned it. This wasn't what I wanted for myself. I am not who I ever thought I would end up being.
1. Draw/paint something daily.
2. Act my heart out onstage or in movies for the rest of my life.
3. Have a bachelor's degree by the time I'm 25.
4. Get married to a wonderful man.
5. Be done having children by the time I'm 30.
6. Have at least 2 children.
7. Never lose your identity.
8. Travel extensively.
9. Join the peace corps, or devote time to serve others.
10. Never lose touch with people that matter the most.
11. Laugh every day.
I must say that looking at this list, it does bring tears to my eyes, and makes me relish in simpler days. My list of actual accomplishments include:
1. Got married to a wonderful man.
2. Had the sweetest little boy on the planet (though I'm not finished if I can help it)
3. I laugh every day, even if it is through tears.
Life has taken me down quite a different path. I am not an actress, in fact, I haven't been in a play since my senior year of high school. I rarely draw or paint anymore. I don't even have my associates degree, though I am working on it. I have most certainly lost my identity, becoming a mother, I don't even know what I like to do anymore. My extensive travels have consisted of moving from place to place, but sticking pretty much to what I know. I am not and have never been in the peace corps.
It is sad when you see unfinished or unaccomplished goals. But, then I think, is this really so bad? So what if my life isn't turning out as I planned it. Does anything ever turn out how we imagine it, especially if when we imagined it, we were starry eyed children?
I have accomplished more than I ever could doing all the things on that list. I am married to someone who cherishes me, and I am a mother, and I love my son so much. I also laugh every day, even when all I really want to do is cry some times. Aren't those the things that make life worth living? I am surrounded by goodness in my little family. Sure, we aren't settled in a home, we can't afford to go on trips or to eat out every week, but we are rich in the things that matter most: Love, and devotion to each other.
I don't need a lot of money. I don't need credentials under my belt. I have accomplished a lot in my 30 years. It may not seem like much to the outsider looking in, but to me, someone on the inside, it is my world, and I am content.
Well, I will be 30 in a few short months...(less than two actually)... and I decided to do a little spring cleaning in the fall. I found the list, and I must say that my life has taken quite a different road. At first it made me reminiscent, reading this list, of my childlike belief in this world and my abilities to do what I wanted to do. Then, it made me laugh, thinking about how ridiculous my dreams were. Then, it made me sad, and the sadness lingered. My life is not how I planned it. This wasn't what I wanted for myself. I am not who I ever thought I would end up being.
1. Draw/paint something daily.
2. Act my heart out onstage or in movies for the rest of my life.
3. Have a bachelor's degree by the time I'm 25.
4. Get married to a wonderful man.
5. Be done having children by the time I'm 30.
6. Have at least 2 children.
7. Never lose your identity.
8. Travel extensively.
9. Join the peace corps, or devote time to serve others.
10. Never lose touch with people that matter the most.
11. Laugh every day.
I must say that looking at this list, it does bring tears to my eyes, and makes me relish in simpler days. My list of actual accomplishments include:
1. Got married to a wonderful man.
2. Had the sweetest little boy on the planet (though I'm not finished if I can help it)
3. I laugh every day, even if it is through tears.
Life has taken me down quite a different path. I am not an actress, in fact, I haven't been in a play since my senior year of high school. I rarely draw or paint anymore. I don't even have my associates degree, though I am working on it. I have most certainly lost my identity, becoming a mother, I don't even know what I like to do anymore. My extensive travels have consisted of moving from place to place, but sticking pretty much to what I know. I am not and have never been in the peace corps.
It is sad when you see unfinished or unaccomplished goals. But, then I think, is this really so bad? So what if my life isn't turning out as I planned it. Does anything ever turn out how we imagine it, especially if when we imagined it, we were starry eyed children?
I have accomplished more than I ever could doing all the things on that list. I am married to someone who cherishes me, and I am a mother, and I love my son so much. I also laugh every day, even when all I really want to do is cry some times. Aren't those the things that make life worth living? I am surrounded by goodness in my little family. Sure, we aren't settled in a home, we can't afford to go on trips or to eat out every week, but we are rich in the things that matter most: Love, and devotion to each other.
I don't need a lot of money. I don't need credentials under my belt. I have accomplished a lot in my 30 years. It may not seem like much to the outsider looking in, but to me, someone on the inside, it is my world, and I am content.
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