Maybe it's the cold. Or the snow. Maybe a combination of the two.
Maybe it's something in my brain that doesn't work.
Maybe it's loneliness. Or being too far away from home.
Maybe it's that I don't know where home is anymore. Or that I don't know where it will be in the near future.
Maybe it's everything.
Maybe I should give up. Maybe not. Maybe I should crawl in to a hole and never come out again. I think I would miss my family too much.
Maybe I need to reconnect with my own spirituality.
Maybe I need to get out more.
Maybe it's him. Maybe it's me.
I am feeling so sad right now. So sad I feel alone and empty inside. So sad that it consumes me. So sad that it's hard to breathe. It's hard to think. It's hard to feel. So sad that I think about too much. So sad that I don't think enough.
How can I be here but not? How can I want to be distant but also want to be close? How can I reach out to others but also recoil when they reach back? How can I want to be alone but feel lonely at the same time? How can I feel so useless?
I just needed to get that out.