Okay, so a few people have asked me how on EARTH I could have possibly missed the signs that I was pregnant... I mean, "HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?!"
Well, I assure you that I am not a total idiot, though questions like that tend to make me feel a bit like one.
Here is my answer...
I don't have regular periods, so the whole, "I missed my period! I'll take a test!" thing wasn't what popped in to my mind. In fact, it isn't unusual for me to go 5 or 6 months without having one. It's called PCOS, and it isn't pretty.
I was EXTREMELY TIRED and VERY SICK, and both of those things were written off by my doctor as thyroid related as well as gallbladder related. No one ever thought it could be possible that I was pregnant. So, instead of taking a test, I was put on a thyroid medicine, and then a supplement, and was placed on gallbladder supplements to help control the heartburn and the nausea I was feeling.
We went through two rounds of clomid and though the first one worked as planned, I didn't get pregnant from it. The second round of clomid, I was told by my doctor during the ultrasound, DID NOT WORK. So, there it was, why would I doubt the professional when he was looking at my ovaries and telling me there was no chance it would work that month? Turns out I got pregnant that month, from what my husband and I believe, was a delayed ovulation from the fertility treatments. So, I didn't expect my period to come. I didn't even second guess what I had been told.
Now, there comes a point during pregnancy that you CANNOT DENY that something is different. And I felt those things. In fact, I told my husband numerous times that it felt like my boobs were getting bigger and that I had some kind of hard growth in my abdomen, and jokingly said that it felt like I was pregnant, because IT DID feel like I was pregnant, but I had NO INDICATION that that was even a possibility. It never occurred to me to take a test because I hadn't ovulated on my own in over 4 1/2 years, and I just had a doctor tell me that the clomid wasn't going to do it for me either! I just thought I felt crappy and something was seriously wrong with me.
All of my symptoms, my doctors told me, were in line with my thyroid problem, and PCOS symptoms. No one even brought it up. I EVEN HAD A PELVIC EXAM BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER TO FIND OUT WHY IF IT WAS MY OVARIES THAT FELT GIGANTIC AND THE NP DIDN'T MENTION THAT THINGS DID IN FACT FEEL ODD DOWN THERE. She told me instead that everything seemed normal. Never mentioned a possibility that I was growing a tiny human.
While I was on vacation, I swore I felt fluttering that felt like baby movements. I called my husband and told him that. I was also having MAJOR digestive issues at the time, (another pregnancy symptom) and thought it HAD TO JUST BE GAS, but could not deny that it felt like a baby and not like gas. My husband and I laughed about it. We even jokingly said, "If only that were a possibility... How cool would that be?!"
It wasn't until I found a NEW AMAZING doctor's office, and an incredible Nurse Practitioner who had the bright idea to do blood work on my thyroid and my hormone levels to see where I was at that we made any kind of head way. She called me back with the lab results and told me to take the test. So I did, and sure enough I am pregnant. The ultrasound results came back and from what they can see, the baby looks healthy and is developing well.
All I can say is that now, in hind sight I can look and see that I was experiencing my first trimester, and half of my second, but at the time, I was an emotional wreck because I had NO CLUE what was wrong with me. I remember telling my mom when she was out visiting in July that I had to find out what was wrong with me because I couldn't be the mom I wanted to be for Z if I felt like this for the rest of forever. I mean, I had no indication that it would ever end. I just knew that I felt like garbage and had no energy to do anything, and I was miserable. Of course now, I see that the fatigue was because of the pregnancy, and the stomach upset was also aggravated by the pregnancy...
So, just to clarify, I'm not stupid. I just had so many people telling me it was something else. I was trying my hardest to listen to my body and figure out what was going on with it, but was somehow tuned out to it being pregnancy, even though things kept pointing to it.
Now that we know, we are so happy. SO EXCITED. And for the love, please stop telling me I should be on that TLC show.
Much Love,
Susan
Monday, November 12, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
A Year of Changes
I have SO MUCH to say right now. But I don't really know where to begin. I just read through the last year of blog posts. Some of them made me cry... reliving those horrible feelings. Feeling the heartache all over again. I want to start by saying that those feelings I expressed were REAL and VALID. Infertility is no joke. If you let it, it will consume you and try to destroy you. It is a hard road to walk, and I don't wish it on any good person.
Wow. I really don't know what to say. Perhaps I will start with how happy I am right now. Right this instant. Today is my son's 5th birthday. We have spent the entire weekend celebrating him, and it continued today. He is such a wonderful child. He truly makes my life happy. He is so helpful, so kind and so loving. He is a considerate, thoughtful, and amazing little boy who has left me awestruck on a number of occasions. He is just so good. The fact that I have been a mother for 5 years to the coolest kid I have ever met is enough to make anyone happy. But for me, it just leaves me breathless.
Dear Z,
You are so wonderful. You are everything that daddy and I asked Heavenly Father for and more. You have brought so much more love and happiness to our family than we ever knew possible. You have given us the incredible gift of you. I have loved these past 5 years, and I can't wait to see what you do this year. I love watching you grow and learn. But it does make my heart ache a little, because I know that this is all moving too fast.
I love you more than I can ever express. You are an angel.
Love,
Mommy
It is amazing what emotions his birthday brings up every single year. The sheer excitement of his birth after years of trying. The immense love I felt for him so instantaneously. The utter gratitude I felt to my Heavenly Father for giving me such a blessing. And usually there is a twinge of sadness that I may never feel those feelings again... Until this year.
Last Monday, I found out that I am pregnant. It came as a total and complete shock. I had gone in to the doctor the week before because I was having some thyroid issues and wanted to change my medicine. She ordered blood work, and it came back on Monday. She told me that my hormone levels were very high and indicative of pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe her. It had been 5 years and nothing, and she was going to tell me that I was PREGNANT and didn't even know it?! Yeah right.
She told me to take a test and then call her back. So, I did begrudgingly. This is what I saw after 2 seconds.
I couldn't believe it. 5 years. And now, a baby. A BABY IN MY BELLY! And I had NO IDEA. All that time this summer that I felt so crummy because of what I thought was my thyroid turned out to be because I was pregnant. I had honestly given up, so I thought there was no feasible way that I could ever be carrying a baby.
Two days later we went in as a family to the hospital for an ultrasound to determine how far along I am. The technician told us I was measuring at 22 weeks! 5 1/2 MONTHS and I never knew. 5 1/2 months of grieving something that I had the entire time. We also found out we are having a little boy. I am overcome with happiness again. We conceived sometime at the end of May/Beginning of June. I am due at the end of February! It has been one crazy week, I tell you!
Tonight I am sitting here, pondering what this next year in our family's life will bring. It will bring a new baby. It will bring school for Z. It will bring all sorts of new dynamics for our family, and I say, "BRING IT ON!" We have a beautiful little boy whom we cherish, and another on the way whom we can't wait to meet. It will be amazing to see his little face for the first time. Just like it was when I saw Z's face for the first time. He will be perfect just like his brother.
I feel abundantly blessed, and happy to know that the Lord does love me and care for me. He is looking out for my family and knows when the perfect time for all things is. I am so overcome with gratitude for my family and the ways in which the Lord has blessed us.
Much Love,
Suz
Wow. I really don't know what to say. Perhaps I will start with how happy I am right now. Right this instant. Today is my son's 5th birthday. We have spent the entire weekend celebrating him, and it continued today. He is such a wonderful child. He truly makes my life happy. He is so helpful, so kind and so loving. He is a considerate, thoughtful, and amazing little boy who has left me awestruck on a number of occasions. He is just so good. The fact that I have been a mother for 5 years to the coolest kid I have ever met is enough to make anyone happy. But for me, it just leaves me breathless.
Dear Z,
You are so wonderful. You are everything that daddy and I asked Heavenly Father for and more. You have brought so much more love and happiness to our family than we ever knew possible. You have given us the incredible gift of you. I have loved these past 5 years, and I can't wait to see what you do this year. I love watching you grow and learn. But it does make my heart ache a little, because I know that this is all moving too fast.
I love you more than I can ever express. You are an angel.
Love,
Mommy
It is amazing what emotions his birthday brings up every single year. The sheer excitement of his birth after years of trying. The immense love I felt for him so instantaneously. The utter gratitude I felt to my Heavenly Father for giving me such a blessing. And usually there is a twinge of sadness that I may never feel those feelings again... Until this year.
Last Monday, I found out that I am pregnant. It came as a total and complete shock. I had gone in to the doctor the week before because I was having some thyroid issues and wanted to change my medicine. She ordered blood work, and it came back on Monday. She told me that my hormone levels were very high and indicative of pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe her. It had been 5 years and nothing, and she was going to tell me that I was PREGNANT and didn't even know it?! Yeah right.
She told me to take a test and then call her back. So, I did begrudgingly. This is what I saw after 2 seconds.
I couldn't believe it. 5 years. And now, a baby. A BABY IN MY BELLY! And I had NO IDEA. All that time this summer that I felt so crummy because of what I thought was my thyroid turned out to be because I was pregnant. I had honestly given up, so I thought there was no feasible way that I could ever be carrying a baby.
Two days later we went in as a family to the hospital for an ultrasound to determine how far along I am. The technician told us I was measuring at 22 weeks! 5 1/2 MONTHS and I never knew. 5 1/2 months of grieving something that I had the entire time. We also found out we are having a little boy. I am overcome with happiness again. We conceived sometime at the end of May/Beginning of June. I am due at the end of February! It has been one crazy week, I tell you!
Tonight I am sitting here, pondering what this next year in our family's life will bring. It will bring a new baby. It will bring school for Z. It will bring all sorts of new dynamics for our family, and I say, "BRING IT ON!" We have a beautiful little boy whom we cherish, and another on the way whom we can't wait to meet. It will be amazing to see his little face for the first time. Just like it was when I saw Z's face for the first time. He will be perfect just like his brother.
I feel abundantly blessed, and happy to know that the Lord does love me and care for me. He is looking out for my family and knows when the perfect time for all things is. I am so overcome with gratitude for my family and the ways in which the Lord has blessed us.
Much Love,
Suz
Monday, May 28, 2012
I remain unbroken...
When I am left alone with my thoughts, it is very rarely a good thing... Sure I have my moments of clarity and quiet reflection, but often it gives me too much time to dwell on things. The truth is, I feel broken. And what's worse is that I feel that it is my own fault that I am. I worry that my past has made me unable to plan my family. I think about those reckless days of my youth, fraught with eating disorders, no sleep, bad nutrition, OTC drug abuse, and artificial hormones in the form of birth control. Have I destroyed my body?
But really, what use is it to worry about it? I mean, I can't change it, now can I? What is done is done. I have changed a lot. I no longer go out of my way to do things that are bad for me. I mean, yes of course I still eat the wrong things and don't exercise enough, but I don't try to hurt myself. The only thing I can do now is move forward, right? Just set my mind to refusing to make the same mistakes again and again.
In April, I had a secret. I started fertility treatments. (I didn't tell anyone for fear of having to answer a LOT of questions that I didn't want to answer. Namely, having to break the news a thousand times that if it didn't work... That is always so hard on me). I began seeing a specialist up in Salt Lake City who wanted to start me on an aggressive amount of clomid and a steroid. I had let what I wanted, (a baby) decide for me to go against all that I feared about that drug and trust the doctor. I began taking my medication, and I suffered through the side effects, and went in for my ultrasound, only to find out that the clomid had been tremendously successful and I had TWO eggs that would ovulate that month. My chances looked very very good, the doctor told me. He was so happy that it had worked so well for me. He was very hopeful... and so was I. I left the doctor's office so elated and excited. I knew it would work... and what about TWINS?! What if we got twins? Wouldn't that be amazing?! (And scary)... Honestly, this was the first time I ovulated in over 5 years and I really thought it would just be that easy... I mean, the first time I ovulated when we were trying the first time to get pregnant was when we conceived.
So Mr. Darling and I were sure this was our answer. We were sure I would get pregnant. And then, I started getting symptoms that I was. I was nauseated, I was so tired, I had heartburn (which I never really get except when I am pregnant) and a few other things that I won't mention... We were so excited. And then, I decided to take a test. I took it early, confident that it would be positive. My husband was out of town and I wanted to do something for when he came home... Like make a t-shirt for Z to wear that said "Big Brother" or something. Negative. I was crushed. But I told myself that it was still too early, and I had jumped the gun.
The time came for me to take it (for real this time), but this time I was sure that the negative test had been correct. I took one anyway, this time with my sweetheart right there with me. Negative. I sat and watched my husband (who never really seems too affected by this sort of thing), openly cry, and say "I was so sure you were" and I lost it. I lost it for a while. I felt cheated and robbed, and well, quite stupid.
I also didn't like how I felt on the medication. I decided that we would give it one more try and if it didn't work then we would stop.
So this month I took it again. But this month, I felt different. I felt much less hopeful... In fact, I felt the opposite of hopeful. I felt like it wasn't going to work at all. Back up to SLC I drove for another ultrasound only to find out that the clomid had stopped working all together. My body wasn't responding to it anymore. I had not produced a single viable egg this month. I was devastated. Again.
I took both of these much harder than I thought I would. I honestly thought I was stronger. I honestly believed that I could remain unaffected if it didn't work. I thought that I had reached a point where I would be okay if it didn't work. And both times I felt like I would break in half it hurt so badly.
Even now, after 4 days have gone by since the ultrasound, I have my moments where I just burst in to tears. It just feels so final.
This morning, I woke up sick. I didn't make it to church, though I think I really could have benefited from it. I looked at the June issue of the Ensign (which is an LDS church distributed magazine) still in the plastic that it was delivered in. I decided to sift through the pages to try and find something to help ease my broken soul. I flipped through the pages and landed on this:
I was sitting on the couch next to Mr. Darling, and he must have heard me gasp because he looked over at me just as I started weeping. He put his hand on my back, and I sobbed, "I was not expecting that." It was an answer to the ache I felt. Just seeing those words on the page brought me more comfort than I can even express. It was as though the Savior himself grabbed my face between his hands and said, "I know very well what you want. I know very well how you hurt. And I AM HERE."
The article was beautifully written by a woman who suffered with infertility... She eventually went on to have three sons with her husband... It focused mainly on accepting the Lord's time frame in all things. Here is a link to read the article online... Learning to Cope with Infertility By Carolynn R. Spencer
She says some things that really hit close to home, like,
"...I cringed when I listened to women complain about their pregnancies or their children or the responsibilities of mothering. Didn't they realize how blessed they were? Didn't they realize that others longed to be in their shoes? Month after month, and then year after year, Tim and I rode waves of hope, only to feel them come crashing down when our dreams failed to materialize."
Oh how I relate to that statement...
She quoted Elder Neal A. Maxwell (who was an apostle in the LDS church until his death in 2004)
"The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"
That touched me so deeply. Of course I've known this. I know it's His time, and not mine, but for some reason those words really opened my eyes today.
She also referenced many women from the bible who suffered with infertility, and man did that help me tremendously... She said:
"...From Abraham's wife, Sarah, I learned that miracles do happen, that nothing is 'too hard for the Lord...From Isaac's wife, Rebekah, I learned that if my prayers weren't answered right away, I still needed to keep praying... From Zacharias's wife, Elisabeth, I learned that infertility was not God's punishment for imperfections, weaknesses, or unworthiness to be a mother...I learned from Hannah's despair that it makes no sense to let gratitude for the blessings we do have be crowded out by sorrow over the one thing we lack...From all of these women in the scriptures, I learned that I was not alone in my heartache; other women who had gone before knew just how I felt, and surely there were others surrounding me who knew as well. Most of all, the Savior knew; not only could He comfort me in my burden of sorrow, but He could ease it for me as Isaiah promised: 'Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.'..."
Talk about a brick to the face.
This article wasn't written by a prophet, or an apostle. This article was written by a woman who knows the pain of infertility. But this was no less prophetic to me... This was a true answer to the desires of my heart. The Lord heard and answered me through this woman's words.
The truth is, I don't know what the future holds for me. What I do know is that I have it in me to be okay with whatever it is. I have the ability in me to enjoy the ride and hope for the best. I also know that I am done with fertility treatments for a while. I don't want to do anything else to my body like that for a long time.
You know what else? I know I'm NOT broken. I might be a little damaged. I have some scars, (emotional, physical and spiritual) but I remain unbroken.
I remain unbroken.
With Love,
Susan
But really, what use is it to worry about it? I mean, I can't change it, now can I? What is done is done. I have changed a lot. I no longer go out of my way to do things that are bad for me. I mean, yes of course I still eat the wrong things and don't exercise enough, but I don't try to hurt myself. The only thing I can do now is move forward, right? Just set my mind to refusing to make the same mistakes again and again.
In April, I had a secret. I started fertility treatments. (I didn't tell anyone for fear of having to answer a LOT of questions that I didn't want to answer. Namely, having to break the news a thousand times that if it didn't work... That is always so hard on me). I began seeing a specialist up in Salt Lake City who wanted to start me on an aggressive amount of clomid and a steroid. I had let what I wanted, (a baby) decide for me to go against all that I feared about that drug and trust the doctor. I began taking my medication, and I suffered through the side effects, and went in for my ultrasound, only to find out that the clomid had been tremendously successful and I had TWO eggs that would ovulate that month. My chances looked very very good, the doctor told me. He was so happy that it had worked so well for me. He was very hopeful... and so was I. I left the doctor's office so elated and excited. I knew it would work... and what about TWINS?! What if we got twins? Wouldn't that be amazing?! (And scary)... Honestly, this was the first time I ovulated in over 5 years and I really thought it would just be that easy... I mean, the first time I ovulated when we were trying the first time to get pregnant was when we conceived.
So Mr. Darling and I were sure this was our answer. We were sure I would get pregnant. And then, I started getting symptoms that I was. I was nauseated, I was so tired, I had heartburn (which I never really get except when I am pregnant) and a few other things that I won't mention... We were so excited. And then, I decided to take a test. I took it early, confident that it would be positive. My husband was out of town and I wanted to do something for when he came home... Like make a t-shirt for Z to wear that said "Big Brother" or something. Negative. I was crushed. But I told myself that it was still too early, and I had jumped the gun.
The time came for me to take it (for real this time), but this time I was sure that the negative test had been correct. I took one anyway, this time with my sweetheart right there with me. Negative. I sat and watched my husband (who never really seems too affected by this sort of thing), openly cry, and say "I was so sure you were" and I lost it. I lost it for a while. I felt cheated and robbed, and well, quite stupid.
I also didn't like how I felt on the medication. I decided that we would give it one more try and if it didn't work then we would stop.
So this month I took it again. But this month, I felt different. I felt much less hopeful... In fact, I felt the opposite of hopeful. I felt like it wasn't going to work at all. Back up to SLC I drove for another ultrasound only to find out that the clomid had stopped working all together. My body wasn't responding to it anymore. I had not produced a single viable egg this month. I was devastated. Again.
I took both of these much harder than I thought I would. I honestly thought I was stronger. I honestly believed that I could remain unaffected if it didn't work. I thought that I had reached a point where I would be okay if it didn't work. And both times I felt like I would break in half it hurt so badly.
Even now, after 4 days have gone by since the ultrasound, I have my moments where I just burst in to tears. It just feels so final.
This morning, I woke up sick. I didn't make it to church, though I think I really could have benefited from it. I looked at the June issue of the Ensign (which is an LDS church distributed magazine) still in the plastic that it was delivered in. I decided to sift through the pages to try and find something to help ease my broken soul. I flipped through the pages and landed on this:
I was sitting on the couch next to Mr. Darling, and he must have heard me gasp because he looked over at me just as I started weeping. He put his hand on my back, and I sobbed, "I was not expecting that." It was an answer to the ache I felt. Just seeing those words on the page brought me more comfort than I can even express. It was as though the Savior himself grabbed my face between his hands and said, "I know very well what you want. I know very well how you hurt. And I AM HERE."
The article was beautifully written by a woman who suffered with infertility... She eventually went on to have three sons with her husband... It focused mainly on accepting the Lord's time frame in all things. Here is a link to read the article online... Learning to Cope with Infertility By Carolynn R. Spencer
She says some things that really hit close to home, like,
"...I cringed when I listened to women complain about their pregnancies or their children or the responsibilities of mothering. Didn't they realize how blessed they were? Didn't they realize that others longed to be in their shoes? Month after month, and then year after year, Tim and I rode waves of hope, only to feel them come crashing down when our dreams failed to materialize."
Oh how I relate to that statement...
She quoted Elder Neal A. Maxwell (who was an apostle in the LDS church until his death in 2004)
"The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust also His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"
That touched me so deeply. Of course I've known this. I know it's His time, and not mine, but for some reason those words really opened my eyes today.
She also referenced many women from the bible who suffered with infertility, and man did that help me tremendously... She said:
"...From Abraham's wife, Sarah, I learned that miracles do happen, that nothing is 'too hard for the Lord...From Isaac's wife, Rebekah, I learned that if my prayers weren't answered right away, I still needed to keep praying... From Zacharias's wife, Elisabeth, I learned that infertility was not God's punishment for imperfections, weaknesses, or unworthiness to be a mother...I learned from Hannah's despair that it makes no sense to let gratitude for the blessings we do have be crowded out by sorrow over the one thing we lack...From all of these women in the scriptures, I learned that I was not alone in my heartache; other women who had gone before knew just how I felt, and surely there were others surrounding me who knew as well. Most of all, the Savior knew; not only could He comfort me in my burden of sorrow, but He could ease it for me as Isaiah promised: 'Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.'..."
Talk about a brick to the face.
This article wasn't written by a prophet, or an apostle. This article was written by a woman who knows the pain of infertility. But this was no less prophetic to me... This was a true answer to the desires of my heart. The Lord heard and answered me through this woman's words.
The truth is, I don't know what the future holds for me. What I do know is that I have it in me to be okay with whatever it is. I have the ability in me to enjoy the ride and hope for the best. I also know that I am done with fertility treatments for a while. I don't want to do anything else to my body like that for a long time.
You know what else? I know I'm NOT broken. I might be a little damaged. I have some scars, (emotional, physical and spiritual) but I remain unbroken.
I remain unbroken.
With Love,
Susan
Thursday, March 15, 2012
CH-CH-CH-CHANGES
Hello again, my little old blog.
I have much to report. Where to begin? I guess I should probably pick up where that last blog post left off.
For about 3 or 4 (or maybe more) months, (most of them leading up to that blog post) I was feeling really down, and I wasn't entirely sure why. Truth is, I didn't call anyone or make any kind of effort to keep in touch. Facebook was pretty much the only thing I stayed current on, and that was mostly because it was much easier to write a small status update than call someone and sound pitiful. I was lonely, and sad about a number of things, one of those things being that I want to get pregnant. But, no matter what I tried I couldn't shake it. No one called me really, and I didn't call anyone either. I just stayed in this little funk for a while.
In November I got a lot of lab work done. I was starting to see if fertility treatments were a good option (I remain very nervous about them), and my doctor wanted to make sure he was covering all the bases. One of the tests came back that I was hypothyroid... BIG surprise... I mean, I only had EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM and didn't know it. So, I started taking herbs, and things started to get a little more even all the way around. I wasn't as tired, or as achy, but something was still off. In January, I was tested for Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Yup. I have it. It's an auto immune disorder that is the cause of my hypothyroid problems. My immune system actually ATTACKS my thyroid. It's all so lovely. But, with that news, also came great news! The herbs were working to manage my thyroid function. My thyroid was back in normal levels. I was pretty shocked.
But what did the Hashimoto diagnosis mean? What else could I do about it? What did I need to change? I was overwhelmed. I looked online for answers, and became even more overwhelmed. There is SO much information out there, and a lot of it contradicts other info, and so on. But, there was one thing that I found that was across the board recommended and sounded like the answer I was looking for.
The Paleo Diet. No grains (especially gluten!) No dairy, No refined sugar, No soy. What can I eat? A diet rich in omega 3's, fresh whole fruits, fresh whole vegetables, lean meat, (especially wild caught fatty fish) and nuts and seeds. I started immediately, and within 10 days I was down 12 pounds (I had been tip toeing around the same weight for years, no matter what I did). Not only was I losing weight, I was feeling better than I had in, well, better than I could ever remember feeling. It was a miracle.
I am still following the Paleo Diet, though I will admit that tonight I did have a gluten free cupcake (I promise you this is the first taste of cane sugar I have had in two months, and I honestly feel like poo now because of it. Low energy, headache, blah. I won't make that mistake again). My energy levels are up, I feel pretty great most of the time, and I have lost a total of 26 pounds since January. It's pretty amazing.
I just posted this picture comparison of when I started vs what I look like now on Facebook, but I'm going to post it here to document where I am in this.
My face is a lot less round now. It's great. My pants are getting to be too big, which kind of sucks, because I'm in between sizes right now. But the good news is that now I can work out because I actually feel well enough to do it! I want to keep going on this, because I want to be healthy.
Then today, after thinking about it for weeks and months, I decided to cut my bangs. I am cheap though, (thanks to Mr. Darling) and I didn't want to pay someone just to cut my bangs, so what did I do? I remembered a LOOOOONG time ago in an Allure magazine there was a tutorial on cutting your own bangs. Ha ha. So from memory, I grabbed some hair (I carefully decided which hair, but you get the idea) placed my left thumb where it needed to be, and took some scissors and cut around it. Here is the result.
Not too shabby. I am happy with them. I feel attractive again. Which is a weird feeling because it's been a LONG time since I have felt that way. But, I'm losing weight and feeling better, and now I have cute bangs to help me feel even better!
My 4 year old DID tell me that my hair looked crazy and funny after I cut it, but that's okay. I think those are compliments from him. Because after he said that, he told me that I looked beautiful. He's a funny duck.
I am feeling better emotionally. Which is the most important thing. I have grieved and grieved from the infertility, and I have my ups and downs. My last down was just compacted by my thyroid, which has depression as one of it's generous side effects.
Honestly, I just want answers. There is just so much up in the air right now, and it is hard. But, I feel optimistic for the first time in a while. I feel like things will work out. If I am not supposed to get pregnant again, I am okay with that. I just would like to know my plan B, and know that that coincides with Heavenly Father's plan too. It's just hard when you don't know what to do about anything.
One thing remains sure in all this hullabaloo: I love my family. They are so wonderful. I couldn't get through any of this without those two.
You know, I have liked a lot of boys in my life. Some I was so sure were something more than they ever were in my life, and I have dated some boys too that were more than they ever SHOULD have been in my life. But you know something? Mr. Darling is my soul mate. And no matter who those other boys were or are, what they meant to me at some point in my life, I wouldn't want ANY of them. Mr. Darling is without a doubt, 100% better for me than ANY of those other dorks were. In fact, once I met him, there was no comparison. He blew everyone else away. No one has ever respected me like he does. No one has ever taken care of me and loved me so completely as he does, and I don't WANT anyone else. I want him. I want ONLY him. I'm not saying I have guys lining up to have me or anything... I just mean that I thought I wanted certain things for so long, and then I met him, and he was a real game changer. He looked at me differently. He loved me immediately. He has taken care of me from day one, and he is only getting better at it. I feel like every other girl should be jealous of me because I have such an amazing man. I am so lucky.
That was quite the tangent. But, what I mean is that, for me, in this entire universe, there is ONE person who is PERFECT FOR ME... and that is the person who I was lucky enough to find at 21 years of age, and who I was smart enough to marry 8 months later. My sweetheart has pulled me out of the fire so many times, and he shows no signs of stopping any time soon.
So, I have made some big changes in my lifestyle over the last few months, but a few things remain constant in my life... namely, Mr. Darling and my increasing knowledge of the fact that we are MFEO.
With Love,
Suz
I have much to report. Where to begin? I guess I should probably pick up where that last blog post left off.
For about 3 or 4 (or maybe more) months, (most of them leading up to that blog post) I was feeling really down, and I wasn't entirely sure why. Truth is, I didn't call anyone or make any kind of effort to keep in touch. Facebook was pretty much the only thing I stayed current on, and that was mostly because it was much easier to write a small status update than call someone and sound pitiful. I was lonely, and sad about a number of things, one of those things being that I want to get pregnant. But, no matter what I tried I couldn't shake it. No one called me really, and I didn't call anyone either. I just stayed in this little funk for a while.
In November I got a lot of lab work done. I was starting to see if fertility treatments were a good option (I remain very nervous about them), and my doctor wanted to make sure he was covering all the bases. One of the tests came back that I was hypothyroid... BIG surprise... I mean, I only had EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM and didn't know it. So, I started taking herbs, and things started to get a little more even all the way around. I wasn't as tired, or as achy, but something was still off. In January, I was tested for Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Yup. I have it. It's an auto immune disorder that is the cause of my hypothyroid problems. My immune system actually ATTACKS my thyroid. It's all so lovely. But, with that news, also came great news! The herbs were working to manage my thyroid function. My thyroid was back in normal levels. I was pretty shocked.
But what did the Hashimoto diagnosis mean? What else could I do about it? What did I need to change? I was overwhelmed. I looked online for answers, and became even more overwhelmed. There is SO much information out there, and a lot of it contradicts other info, and so on. But, there was one thing that I found that was across the board recommended and sounded like the answer I was looking for.
The Paleo Diet. No grains (especially gluten!) No dairy, No refined sugar, No soy. What can I eat? A diet rich in omega 3's, fresh whole fruits, fresh whole vegetables, lean meat, (especially wild caught fatty fish) and nuts and seeds. I started immediately, and within 10 days I was down 12 pounds (I had been tip toeing around the same weight for years, no matter what I did). Not only was I losing weight, I was feeling better than I had in, well, better than I could ever remember feeling. It was a miracle.
I am still following the Paleo Diet, though I will admit that tonight I did have a gluten free cupcake (I promise you this is the first taste of cane sugar I have had in two months, and I honestly feel like poo now because of it. Low energy, headache, blah. I won't make that mistake again). My energy levels are up, I feel pretty great most of the time, and I have lost a total of 26 pounds since January. It's pretty amazing.
I just posted this picture comparison of when I started vs what I look like now on Facebook, but I'm going to post it here to document where I am in this.
My face is a lot less round now. It's great. My pants are getting to be too big, which kind of sucks, because I'm in between sizes right now. But the good news is that now I can work out because I actually feel well enough to do it! I want to keep going on this, because I want to be healthy.
Then today, after thinking about it for weeks and months, I decided to cut my bangs. I am cheap though, (thanks to Mr. Darling) and I didn't want to pay someone just to cut my bangs, so what did I do? I remembered a LOOOOONG time ago in an Allure magazine there was a tutorial on cutting your own bangs. Ha ha. So from memory, I grabbed some hair (I carefully decided which hair, but you get the idea) placed my left thumb where it needed to be, and took some scissors and cut around it. Here is the result.
Not too shabby. I am happy with them. I feel attractive again. Which is a weird feeling because it's been a LONG time since I have felt that way. But, I'm losing weight and feeling better, and now I have cute bangs to help me feel even better!
My 4 year old DID tell me that my hair looked crazy and funny after I cut it, but that's okay. I think those are compliments from him. Because after he said that, he told me that I looked beautiful. He's a funny duck.
I am feeling better emotionally. Which is the most important thing. I have grieved and grieved from the infertility, and I have my ups and downs. My last down was just compacted by my thyroid, which has depression as one of it's generous side effects.
Honestly, I just want answers. There is just so much up in the air right now, and it is hard. But, I feel optimistic for the first time in a while. I feel like things will work out. If I am not supposed to get pregnant again, I am okay with that. I just would like to know my plan B, and know that that coincides with Heavenly Father's plan too. It's just hard when you don't know what to do about anything.
One thing remains sure in all this hullabaloo: I love my family. They are so wonderful. I couldn't get through any of this without those two.
You know, I have liked a lot of boys in my life. Some I was so sure were something more than they ever were in my life, and I have dated some boys too that were more than they ever SHOULD have been in my life. But you know something? Mr. Darling is my soul mate. And no matter who those other boys were or are, what they meant to me at some point in my life, I wouldn't want ANY of them. Mr. Darling is without a doubt, 100% better for me than ANY of those other dorks were. In fact, once I met him, there was no comparison. He blew everyone else away. No one has ever respected me like he does. No one has ever taken care of me and loved me so completely as he does, and I don't WANT anyone else. I want him. I want ONLY him. I'm not saying I have guys lining up to have me or anything... I just mean that I thought I wanted certain things for so long, and then I met him, and he was a real game changer. He looked at me differently. He loved me immediately. He has taken care of me from day one, and he is only getting better at it. I feel like every other girl should be jealous of me because I have such an amazing man. I am so lucky.
That was quite the tangent. But, what I mean is that, for me, in this entire universe, there is ONE person who is PERFECT FOR ME... and that is the person who I was lucky enough to find at 21 years of age, and who I was smart enough to marry 8 months later. My sweetheart has pulled me out of the fire so many times, and he shows no signs of stopping any time soon.
So, I have made some big changes in my lifestyle over the last few months, but a few things remain constant in my life... namely, Mr. Darling and my increasing knowledge of the fact that we are MFEO.
With Love,
Suz
Monday, January 9, 2012
It's baaaaaack...
This post is going to seem like a simpering, pity party, but I assure you I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. There are just days that I have to write it down or my feelings will eventually give me an anxiety attack... If you don't want to read this post, or are worried you won't know what to say or how to handle it, just please stop reading. I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, or feel like I am trying to get sympathy in any way. I assure you I am not.
8 years ago, I wanted a baby. I knew I was supposed to have a baby. But, well, it just didn't work out like I had planned. Then almost 7 years ago, my grandfather who meant the world to me, died suddenly, around the same time that my husband and I started trying to have a baby, (a year after I decided I wanted to start trying).
A few months later I would learn that I have infertility issues from the mouth of a fertility specialist, confirming what I already knew: My life will NEVER be how I planned it. No matter how much I thought things through, or made lists, or how many goals I wrote down, my life was not going to follow those plans. I wasn't going to be one of those people who thought, "Hmm, I would like to be a mother and get pregnant in two months and then have a baby nine months later and then have another child in exactly 24.6 months after the first baby was born...etc...etc..." And month after month I became more and more bitter about it as friend after friend became pregnant and I sat there crying on the toilet with another negative pregnancy test in my hands... weeping and cursing everything and everyone who didn't understand anything that I was going through.
And things got dark for a while... I stopped going to church, found every excuse I could think of not to go, and started feeling betrayed by God too. And let me tell you, that is a lonely, desolate place to be in. There is no end of darkness in that pit, and it is hard to climb out... but eventually I did. Eventually.
A year and a half went by, and somehow I had managed to find some sunshine to get me out of that rut. And things, though still difficult for me, were looking up. My husband and I started considering adoption, and then, as we were seriously considering it, I got the positive test... As I sit here remembering the feelings that were going through my body and my mind when I saw those two lines, I am overcome with emotion and my heart leaps in my chest. It was all I ever wanted, and here it was, staring me in the face. The wait was over. God had blessed us with a child.
I thought that my troubles in that arena were over. I thought that I had found my answers so that I would NEVER have to go through that again. But, as usual, I was wrong.
When our son was born, there was so much healing in our family, but especially in me. He was and always will be a miracle. Not just because I couldn't have a baby and then I did... as miraculous as that was, that isn't the miracle that I think of when I say it. I say he worked miracles in me. I felt closer to God and to my faith, to my husband and to this little person who was ours. The love that grew when he was born is absolutely indescribable.
Here we are, over 4 years after the birth of our son, and have never prevented pregnancy since, and here I sit, still the mother of one. I do NOT dismiss him as unimportant, I do NOT think that I can't be happy without another child. I do NOT discount the importance of my son in my life. Just because I want another child doesn't mean that I am not grateful for the one that I have. I know I am lucky. I know that there are thousands of people who wish their infertility woes would end in just one child... I am TRULY AND SINCERELY grateful for my son. Every single day. He is amazing.
Having said that, I am going to continue the thought... Last year, about 6 months ago, we decided to adopt a child to add to our family. We are still on that path, but have been informed recently that our wait time has been extended to AT LEAST three years. Do you see my frustration? I try to turn a negative in to a positive and I get another door slammed in my face. NOTHING in this area of our lives has been easy. NOTHING. Growing our family is just going to be difficult, and I'm having a hard time with it. I AM HAVING A VERY HARD TIME WITH IT. For months I have been smiling through my pain and laughing through my tears. I am trying to be brave and I am trying to be strong, but all this trying has made me tired and weak, and right now I am going to have it out with these feelings.
I AM SICK of having to deal with this. I HATE IT. I feel that there is something wrong with me. Do you know how hard it is to feel like you are to blame for something that causes so much heartache?! Do you know how hard it is to sit on one end of a phone hearing someone you thought cared about you telling you that God is punishing you for your pride?! Do you even comprehend the hurt feelings when you have to stand there and endure looks and thoughts from nosy people asking you if your one child is all you've got after 10 years of marriage, and then have them tell you that you need more?! Do you know what it is like to go to church in a family oriented community and be made to feel as though you are somehow less or your feelings and insights aren't valid because you don't have children, or only have one?! I've been called selfish, prideful, and a handful of other things because MY BODY DOESN'T WORK RIGHT. I'm selfish because we put ourselves first before having children. I'm prideful and that is why God is withholding the blessings of parenthood from us. My opinion on family values doesn't hold water because I don't have any children, or (more recently) only one child, so how could I truly know what REAL family values are?
I have tried all of the tactics before too. Smiling, and telling myself that they are just ignorant and don't know everything. That it isn't their business anyway. I have even gotten angry and said things to people so that next time they open their big stupid mouths they might think twice. I have even tried to pray the feelings away. I have been open and honest with most people about my struggles with infertility, but there are times when it makes me so tired. I just want to be okay with things, and the constant talk about it sometimes is hard for me.
But, here I sit... I have a beautiful 4 year old, who is simply magic. I have an international adoption that is going to be a lengthy process ahead of me. And I have this desire, a very strong one, to hold another baby in my arms that I carried in my belly. And I sit here, even with the magic in the next room, and even with the dawn of bringing a child in to my home on the distant horizon, with the thoughts of holding a baby in my arms, and I cry. Some days it is ALL I can think about. It's all around me. It seems that every friend I have or have had over my life that I am still in contact with is pregnant or just had a child... and I am, admittedly JEALOUS. But, not ANGRY at them. Just SUPER JEALOUS. Why can I not be numbered with those who have it easy in this area? Why do I have to continually endure the hard road on this one? This ONE area where my heart aches the most. I love being a mother. Doesn't that count for something?
So, to all my friends out there who are reading this and enjoying the pregnancy, or cuddling your newborn, I don't mean to go on like this. I don't want to upset you, or make you think that I don't care deeply about your life and the joys you experience. I just needed to write out these feelings because my sadness is there, and I can't shake it no matter how hard I try. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. That's not my intention. I just am tired of bottling this up right now.
It comes in waves. There are days when I am genuinely feeling good about everything, and then there are days when all of it really gets to me, and those days are coming more frequently now...
It is my prayer and my hope that this doesn't consume me again. I will go play with my son more, and try to laugh more, and focus on all that I have. Perhaps I need to draw closer to my Heavenly Father.
With Love,
Suz
8 years ago, I wanted a baby. I knew I was supposed to have a baby. But, well, it just didn't work out like I had planned. Then almost 7 years ago, my grandfather who meant the world to me, died suddenly, around the same time that my husband and I started trying to have a baby, (a year after I decided I wanted to start trying).
A few months later I would learn that I have infertility issues from the mouth of a fertility specialist, confirming what I already knew: My life will NEVER be how I planned it. No matter how much I thought things through, or made lists, or how many goals I wrote down, my life was not going to follow those plans. I wasn't going to be one of those people who thought, "Hmm, I would like to be a mother and get pregnant in two months and then have a baby nine months later and then have another child in exactly 24.6 months after the first baby was born...etc...etc..." And month after month I became more and more bitter about it as friend after friend became pregnant and I sat there crying on the toilet with another negative pregnancy test in my hands... weeping and cursing everything and everyone who didn't understand anything that I was going through.
And things got dark for a while... I stopped going to church, found every excuse I could think of not to go, and started feeling betrayed by God too. And let me tell you, that is a lonely, desolate place to be in. There is no end of darkness in that pit, and it is hard to climb out... but eventually I did. Eventually.
A year and a half went by, and somehow I had managed to find some sunshine to get me out of that rut. And things, though still difficult for me, were looking up. My husband and I started considering adoption, and then, as we were seriously considering it, I got the positive test... As I sit here remembering the feelings that were going through my body and my mind when I saw those two lines, I am overcome with emotion and my heart leaps in my chest. It was all I ever wanted, and here it was, staring me in the face. The wait was over. God had blessed us with a child.
I thought that my troubles in that arena were over. I thought that I had found my answers so that I would NEVER have to go through that again. But, as usual, I was wrong.
When our son was born, there was so much healing in our family, but especially in me. He was and always will be a miracle. Not just because I couldn't have a baby and then I did... as miraculous as that was, that isn't the miracle that I think of when I say it. I say he worked miracles in me. I felt closer to God and to my faith, to my husband and to this little person who was ours. The love that grew when he was born is absolutely indescribable.
Here we are, over 4 years after the birth of our son, and have never prevented pregnancy since, and here I sit, still the mother of one. I do NOT dismiss him as unimportant, I do NOT think that I can't be happy without another child. I do NOT discount the importance of my son in my life. Just because I want another child doesn't mean that I am not grateful for the one that I have. I know I am lucky. I know that there are thousands of people who wish their infertility woes would end in just one child... I am TRULY AND SINCERELY grateful for my son. Every single day. He is amazing.
Having said that, I am going to continue the thought... Last year, about 6 months ago, we decided to adopt a child to add to our family. We are still on that path, but have been informed recently that our wait time has been extended to AT LEAST three years. Do you see my frustration? I try to turn a negative in to a positive and I get another door slammed in my face. NOTHING in this area of our lives has been easy. NOTHING. Growing our family is just going to be difficult, and I'm having a hard time with it. I AM HAVING A VERY HARD TIME WITH IT. For months I have been smiling through my pain and laughing through my tears. I am trying to be brave and I am trying to be strong, but all this trying has made me tired and weak, and right now I am going to have it out with these feelings.
I AM SICK of having to deal with this. I HATE IT. I feel that there is something wrong with me. Do you know how hard it is to feel like you are to blame for something that causes so much heartache?! Do you know how hard it is to sit on one end of a phone hearing someone you thought cared about you telling you that God is punishing you for your pride?! Do you even comprehend the hurt feelings when you have to stand there and endure looks and thoughts from nosy people asking you if your one child is all you've got after 10 years of marriage, and then have them tell you that you need more?! Do you know what it is like to go to church in a family oriented community and be made to feel as though you are somehow less or your feelings and insights aren't valid because you don't have children, or only have one?! I've been called selfish, prideful, and a handful of other things because MY BODY DOESN'T WORK RIGHT. I'm selfish because we put ourselves first before having children. I'm prideful and that is why God is withholding the blessings of parenthood from us. My opinion on family values doesn't hold water because I don't have any children, or (more recently) only one child, so how could I truly know what REAL family values are?
I have tried all of the tactics before too. Smiling, and telling myself that they are just ignorant and don't know everything. That it isn't their business anyway. I have even gotten angry and said things to people so that next time they open their big stupid mouths they might think twice. I have even tried to pray the feelings away. I have been open and honest with most people about my struggles with infertility, but there are times when it makes me so tired. I just want to be okay with things, and the constant talk about it sometimes is hard for me.
But, here I sit... I have a beautiful 4 year old, who is simply magic. I have an international adoption that is going to be a lengthy process ahead of me. And I have this desire, a very strong one, to hold another baby in my arms that I carried in my belly. And I sit here, even with the magic in the next room, and even with the dawn of bringing a child in to my home on the distant horizon, with the thoughts of holding a baby in my arms, and I cry. Some days it is ALL I can think about. It's all around me. It seems that every friend I have or have had over my life that I am still in contact with is pregnant or just had a child... and I am, admittedly JEALOUS. But, not ANGRY at them. Just SUPER JEALOUS. Why can I not be numbered with those who have it easy in this area? Why do I have to continually endure the hard road on this one? This ONE area where my heart aches the most. I love being a mother. Doesn't that count for something?
So, to all my friends out there who are reading this and enjoying the pregnancy, or cuddling your newborn, I don't mean to go on like this. I don't want to upset you, or make you think that I don't care deeply about your life and the joys you experience. I just needed to write out these feelings because my sadness is there, and I can't shake it no matter how hard I try. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. That's not my intention. I just am tired of bottling this up right now.
It comes in waves. There are days when I am genuinely feeling good about everything, and then there are days when all of it really gets to me, and those days are coming more frequently now...
It is my prayer and my hope that this doesn't consume me again. I will go play with my son more, and try to laugh more, and focus on all that I have. Perhaps I need to draw closer to my Heavenly Father.
With Love,
Suz
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
