Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A Year of Changes

I have SO MUCH to say right now. But I don't really know where to begin. I just read through the last year of blog posts. Some of them made me cry... reliving those horrible feelings. Feeling the heartache all over again. I want to start by saying that those feelings I expressed were REAL and VALID. Infertility is no joke. If you let it, it will consume you and try to destroy you. It is a hard road to walk, and I don't wish it on any good person.

Wow. I really don't know what to say. Perhaps I will start with how happy I am right now. Right this instant. Today is my son's 5th birthday. We have spent the entire weekend celebrating him, and it continued today. He is such a wonderful child. He truly makes my life happy. He is so helpful, so kind and so loving. He is a considerate, thoughtful, and amazing little boy who has left me awestruck on a number of occasions. He is just so good. The fact that I have been a mother for 5 years to the coolest kid I have ever met is enough to make anyone happy. But for me, it just leaves me breathless.

Dear Z,

You are so wonderful. You are everything that daddy and I asked Heavenly Father for and more. You have brought so much more love and happiness to our family than we ever knew possible. You have given us the incredible gift of you. I have loved these past 5 years, and I can't wait to see what you do this year. I love watching you grow and learn. But it does make my heart ache a little, because I know that this is all moving too fast.

I love you more than I can ever express. You are an angel.


It is amazing what emotions his birthday brings up every single year. The sheer excitement of his birth after years of trying. The immense love I felt for him so instantaneously. The utter gratitude I felt to my Heavenly Father for giving me such a blessing. And usually there is a twinge of sadness that I may never feel those feelings again... Until this year.

Last Monday, I found out that I am pregnant. It came as a total and complete shock. I had gone in to the doctor the week before because I was having some thyroid issues and wanted to change my medicine. She ordered blood work, and it came back on Monday. She told me that my hormone levels were very high and indicative of pregnancy. I honestly didn't believe her. It had been 5 years and nothing, and she was going to tell me that I was PREGNANT and didn't even know it?! Yeah right.

She told me to take a test and then call her back. So, I did begrudgingly. This is what I saw after 2 seconds.

I couldn't believe it. 5 years. And now, a baby. A BABY IN MY BELLY! And I had NO IDEA. All that time this summer that I felt so crummy because of what I thought was my thyroid turned out to be because I was pregnant. I had honestly given up, so I thought there was no feasible way that I could ever be carrying a baby.

Two days later we went in as a family to the hospital for an ultrasound to determine how far along I am. The technician told us I was measuring at 22 weeks! 5 1/2 MONTHS and I never knew. 5 1/2 months of grieving something that I had the entire time. We also found out we are having a little boy. I am overcome with happiness again. We conceived sometime at the end of May/Beginning of June. I am due at the end of February! It has been one crazy week, I tell you!

Tonight I am sitting here, pondering what this next year in our family's life will bring. It will bring a new baby. It will bring school for Z. It will bring all sorts of new dynamics for our family, and I say, "BRING IT ON!" We have a beautiful little boy whom we cherish, and another on the way whom we can't wait to meet. It will be amazing to see his little face for the first time. Just like it was when I saw Z's face for the first time. He will be perfect just like his brother.

I feel abundantly blessed, and happy to know that the Lord does love me and care for me. He is looking out for my family and knows when the perfect time for all things is. I am so overcome with gratitude for my family and the ways in which the Lord has blessed us.

Much Love,

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