CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

Hello again, my little old blog.

I have much to report. Where to begin? I guess I should probably pick up where that last blog post left off.

For about 3 or 4 (or maybe more) months, (most of them leading up to that blog post) I was feeling really down, and I wasn't entirely sure why. Truth is, I didn't call anyone or make any kind of effort to keep in touch. Facebook was pretty much the only thing I stayed current on, and that was mostly because it was much easier to write a small status update than call someone and sound pitiful. I was lonely, and sad about a number of things, one of those things being that I want to get pregnant. But, no matter what I tried I couldn't shake it. No one called me really, and I didn't call anyone either. I just stayed in this little funk for a while.

In November I got a lot of lab work done. I was starting to see if fertility treatments were a good option (I remain very nervous about them), and my doctor wanted to make sure he was covering all the bases. One of the tests came back that I was hypothyroid... BIG surprise... I mean, I only had EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM and didn't know it. So, I started taking herbs, and things started to get a little more even all the way around. I wasn't as tired, or as achy, but something was still off. In January, I was tested for Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Yup. I have it. It's an auto immune disorder that is the cause of my hypothyroid problems. My immune system actually ATTACKS my thyroid. It's all so lovely. But, with that news, also came great news! The herbs were working to manage my thyroid function. My thyroid was back in normal levels. I was pretty shocked.

But what did the Hashimoto diagnosis mean? What else could I do about it? What did I need to change? I was overwhelmed. I looked online for answers, and became even more overwhelmed. There is SO much information out there, and a lot of it contradicts other info, and so on. But, there was one thing that I found that was across the board recommended and sounded like the answer I was looking for.

The Paleo Diet. No grains (especially gluten!) No dairy, No refined sugar, No soy. What can I eat? A diet rich in omega 3's, fresh whole fruits, fresh whole vegetables, lean meat, (especially wild caught fatty fish) and nuts and seeds. I started immediately, and within 10 days I was down 12 pounds (I had been tip toeing around the same weight for years, no matter what I did). Not only was I losing weight, I was feeling better than I had in, well, better than I could ever remember feeling. It was a miracle.

I am still following the Paleo Diet, though I will admit that tonight I did have a gluten free cupcake (I promise you this is the first taste of cane sugar I have had in two months, and I honestly feel like poo now because of it. Low energy, headache, blah. I won't make that mistake again). My energy levels are up, I feel pretty great most of the time, and I have lost a total of 26 pounds since January. It's pretty amazing.

I just posted this picture comparison of when I started vs what I look like now on Facebook, but I'm going to post it here to document where I am in this.

My face is a lot less round now. It's great. My pants are getting to be too big, which kind of sucks, because I'm in between sizes right now. But the good news is that now I can work out because I actually feel well enough to do it! I want to keep going on this, because I want to be healthy.

Then today, after thinking about it for weeks and months, I decided to cut my bangs. I am cheap though, (thanks to Mr. Darling) and I didn't want to pay someone just to cut my bangs, so what did I do? I remembered a LOOOOONG time ago in an Allure magazine there was a tutorial on cutting your own bangs. Ha ha. So from memory, I grabbed some hair (I carefully decided which hair, but you get the idea) placed my left thumb where it needed to be, and took some scissors and cut around it. Here is the result.

Not too shabby. I am happy with them. I feel attractive again. Which is a weird feeling because it's been a LONG time since I have felt that way. But, I'm losing weight and feeling better, and now I have cute bangs to help me feel even better!

My 4 year old DID tell me that my hair looked crazy and funny after I cut it, but that's okay. I think those are compliments from him. Because after he said that, he told me that I looked beautiful. He's a funny duck.

I am feeling better emotionally. Which is the most important thing. I have grieved and grieved from the infertility, and I have my ups and downs. My last down was just compacted by my thyroid, which has depression as one of it's generous side effects.

Honestly, I just want answers. There is just so much up in the air right now, and it is hard. But, I feel optimistic for the first time in a while. I feel like things will work out. If I am not supposed to get pregnant again, I am okay with that. I just would like to know my plan B, and know that that coincides with Heavenly Father's plan too. It's just hard when you don't know what to do about anything.

One thing remains sure in all this hullabaloo: I love my family. They are so wonderful. I couldn't get through any of this without those two.

You know, I have liked a lot of boys in my life. Some I was so sure were something more than they ever were in my life, and I have dated some boys too that were more than they ever SHOULD have been in my life. But you know something? Mr. Darling is my soul mate. And no matter who those other boys were or are, what they meant to me at some point in my life, I wouldn't want ANY of them. Mr. Darling is without a doubt, 100% better for me than ANY of those other dorks were. In fact, once I met him, there was no comparison. He blew everyone else away. No one has ever respected me like he does. No one has ever taken care of me and loved me so completely as he does, and I don't WANT anyone else. I want him. I want ONLY him. I'm not saying I have guys lining up to have me or anything... I just mean that I thought I wanted certain things for so long, and then I met him, and he was a real game changer. He looked at me differently. He loved me immediately. He has taken care of me from day one, and he is only getting better at it. I feel like every other girl should be jealous of me because I have such an amazing man. I am so lucky.

That was quite the tangent. But, what I mean is that, for me, in this entire universe, there is ONE person who is PERFECT FOR ME... and that is the person who I was lucky enough to find at 21 years of age, and who I was smart enough to marry 8 months later. My sweetheart has pulled me out of the fire so many times, and he shows no signs of stopping any time soon.

So, I have made some big changes in my lifestyle over the last few months, but a few things remain constant in my life... namely, Mr. Darling and my increasing knowledge of the fact that we are MFEO.

With Love,
Suz

It's baaaaaack...

This post is going to seem like a simpering, pity party, but I assure you I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. There are just days that I have to write it down or my feelings will eventually give me an anxiety attack... If you don't want to read this post, or are worried you won't know what to say or how to handle it, just please stop reading. I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, or feel like I am trying to get sympathy in any way. I assure you I am not.

8 years ago, I wanted a baby. I knew I was supposed to have a baby. But, well, it just didn't work out like I had planned. Then almost 7 years ago, my grandfather who meant the world to me, died suddenly, around the same time that my husband and I started trying to have a baby, (a year after I decided I wanted to start trying).

A few months later I would learn that I have infertility issues from the mouth of a fertility specialist, confirming what I already knew: My life will NEVER be how I planned it. No matter how much I thought things through, or made lists, or how many goals I wrote down, my life was not going to follow those plans. I wasn't going to be one of those people who thought, "Hmm, I would like to be a mother and get pregnant in two months and then have a baby nine months later and then have another child in exactly 24.6 months after the first baby was born...etc...etc..." And month after month I became more and more bitter about it as friend after friend became pregnant and I sat there crying on the toilet with another negative pregnancy test in my hands... weeping and cursing everything and everyone who didn't understand anything that I was going through.

And things got dark for a while... I stopped going to church, found every excuse I could think of not to go, and started feeling betrayed by God too. And let me tell you, that is a lonely, desolate place to be in. There is no end of darkness in that pit, and it is hard to climb out... but eventually I did. Eventually.

A year and a half went by, and somehow I had managed to find some sunshine to get me out of that rut. And things, though still difficult for me, were looking up. My husband and I started considering adoption, and then, as we were seriously considering it, I got the positive test... As I sit here remembering the feelings that were going through my body and my mind when I saw those two lines, I am overcome with emotion and my heart leaps in my chest. It was all I ever wanted, and here it was, staring me in the face. The wait was over. God had blessed us with a child.

I thought that my troubles in that arena were over. I thought that I had found my answers so that I would NEVER have to go through that again. But, as usual, I was wrong.

When our son was born, there was so much healing in our family, but especially in me. He was and always will be a miracle. Not just because I couldn't have a baby and then I did... as miraculous as that was, that isn't the miracle that I think of when I say it. I say he worked miracles in me. I felt closer to God and to my faith, to my husband and to this little person who was ours. The love that grew when he was born is absolutely indescribable.

Here we are, over 4 years after the birth of our son, and have never prevented pregnancy since, and here I sit, still the mother of one. I do NOT dismiss him as unimportant, I do NOT think that I can't be happy without another child. I do NOT discount the importance of my son in my life. Just because I want another child doesn't mean that I am not grateful for the one that I have. I know I am lucky. I know that there are thousands of people who wish their infertility woes would end in just one child... I am TRULY AND SINCERELY grateful for my son. Every single day. He is amazing.

Having said that, I am going to continue the thought... Last year, about 6 months ago, we decided to adopt a child to add to our family. We are still on that path, but have been informed recently that our wait time has been extended to AT LEAST three years. Do you see my frustration? I try to turn a negative in to a positive and I get another door slammed in my face. NOTHING in this area of our lives has been easy. NOTHING. Growing our family is just going to be difficult, and I'm having a hard time with it. I AM HAVING A VERY HARD TIME WITH IT. For months I have been smiling through my pain and laughing through my tears. I am trying to be brave and I am trying to be strong, but all this trying has made me tired and weak, and right now I am going to have it out with these feelings.

I AM SICK of having to deal with this. I HATE IT. I feel that there is something wrong with me. Do you know how hard it is to feel like you are to blame for something that causes so much heartache?! Do you know how hard it is to sit on one end of a phone hearing someone you thought cared about you telling you that God is punishing you for your pride?! Do you even comprehend the hurt feelings when you have to stand there and endure looks and thoughts from nosy people asking you if your one child is all you've got after 10 years of marriage, and then have them tell you that you need more?! Do you know what it is like to go to church in a family oriented community and be made to feel as though you are somehow less or your feelings and insights aren't valid because you don't have children, or only have one?! I've been called selfish, prideful, and a handful of other things because MY BODY DOESN'T WORK RIGHT. I'm selfish because we put ourselves first before having children. I'm prideful and that is why God is withholding the blessings of parenthood from us. My opinion on family values doesn't hold water because I don't have any children, or (more recently) only one child, so how could I truly know what REAL family values are?

I have tried all of the tactics before too.  Smiling, and telling myself that they are just ignorant and don't know everything. That it isn't their business anyway. I have even gotten angry and said things to people so that next time they open their big stupid mouths they might think twice. I have even tried to pray the feelings away. I have been open and honest with most people about my struggles with infertility, but there are times when it makes me so tired. I just want to be okay with things, and the constant talk about it sometimes is hard for me.

But, here I sit... I have a beautiful 4 year old, who is simply magic. I have an international adoption that is going to be a lengthy process ahead of me. And I have this desire, a very strong one, to hold another baby in my arms that I carried in my belly. And I sit here, even with the magic in the next room, and even with the dawn of bringing a child in to my home on the distant horizon, with the thoughts of holding a baby in my arms, and I cry. Some days it is ALL I can think about. It's all around me. It seems that every friend I have or have had over my life that I am still in contact with is pregnant or just had a child... and I am, admittedly JEALOUS. But, not ANGRY at them. Just SUPER JEALOUS. Why can I not be numbered with those who have it easy in this area? Why do I have to continually endure the hard road on this one? This ONE area where my heart aches the most. I love being a mother. Doesn't that count for something?

So, to all my friends out there who are reading this and enjoying the pregnancy, or cuddling your newborn, I don't mean to go on like this. I don't want to upset you, or make you think that I don't care deeply about your life and the joys you experience. I just needed to write out these feelings because my sadness is there, and I can't shake it no matter how hard I try. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. That's not my intention. I just am tired of bottling this up right now.

It comes in waves. There are days when I am genuinely feeling good about everything, and then there are days when all of it really gets to me, and those days are coming more frequently now...

It is my prayer and my hope that this doesn't consume me again. I will go play with my son more, and try to laugh more, and focus on all that I have. Perhaps I need to draw closer to my Heavenly Father.

With Love,
Suz

Grateful...

I'm grateful. There is so much in my life to be grateful for.

Today I have been feeling a culmination of so many things. There is so much on my mind, if only I could unload it completely on you who are reading. If only I could be so entirely open and vulnerable without worry that I am too exposed.

So, to combat my blues, I am going to compile a list of what I am grateful for, starting with number 1, pictured at the top of this post.

Z, you are so amazing. Every day I get to spend with you, you become more loving, funnier, more adorable, more more more. You grow and I cry because I know eventually I will not be your best friend anymore. And that's okay, but I love being your girl. You bring me so much happiness. So much. For years I wanted you, and in my dreams I couldn't have made you as wonderful as you truly are. You are kind, and thoughtful. You are loving and nurturing. You care so much about others, and you always try to share and play nicely with your friends. You are creative and imaginative, and you love to read and be read to. You are so smart. So funny. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. Thank you for making a dream come true that I started to believe would never be possible. Thank you for hugging me and kissing me and for the immense joy you bring to our family. You are beautiful inside and out. Your soul is precious. XOXO Mommy

B, thank you for being such a support to me. I couldn't do half the hairbrained things I do if it weren't for your immense support of me. You uplift me and help me to be a better person. Thank you for loving me, and respecting me. Thank you for making me feel as though I am your partner in this journey. I know things will only get better for us. I hope for all the changes we are both hoping for. I know that no matter what this life brings us, we are stronger together. I love you more than you know. XOXO, Suz

I am grateful for a supportive family.
I am grateful for my health.
For knowing true love.
For not making a life with that other guy (oh who the hell knows what would have happened there)
For the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
For knowing that Families are Forever.
For a healthy child.
For kicking Gluten to the curb.
For dumping dairy.
For understanding finally that I can exceed my dreams.
For the knowledge that I don't need everyone's approval all the time.
For finally realizing that some friends aren't friends and never were.
For recognizing true friends and being loved by them.
For being able to get up every morning and walk on my own two feet.
For the love of my Savior, and my ability to recognize it during my trials.
For my photography, my art, my creative outlet.
For a roof over my head, clean water and plenty of food to eat.
For knowing what it feels to be loved and accepted for just being me, warts and all.
For babies and how close to heaven I feel when I am near them.
For empathy.
For opportunities to serve others.
For chiropractors who want to fix me.
For music, and ears to hear it.
For colors, and eyes to see them.
For the canvas that God has painted purely to please us.
For moments of peace.
For generosity that is sincere and because nothing is expected in return.
For strangers who want to help others.
For witnessing random acts of kindness.
For boycotting Walmart.
For finding my father, and having a mother who supports that decision.
For selfless moments, and being privileged enough to witness them and recognize when they happen.
For knee braces.
For beautiful art to look at. 
For the blogging world.

What is on your list of things to be grateful for? It really helps when you're in a funk to write a list like this. I feel better already.

With Love,
Suz

6 years ago...

My mother was a single mother. I was an only child. I was the only girl in a family full of boy cousins. I was the youngest for a while too, until 3 more boys were born later. I didn't have a father in my house. But I had someone who filled those shoes quite nicely. My grandfather, Leo.

He was one of those grandfathers who always played with me. We always had a new scheme we would cook up together, and man could we laugh. He loved me so much, and oh my gosh, did I love him. He was my EVERYTHING. I wanted to be nowhere but sitting on my PaPa's lap, telling jokes and just spending time with him. I was fortunate to never live very far from my grandparents.

I spent most days after school at their house, and most of the time I was there I was with my grandpa in the garage or in the yard. He was my hero, and my best friend. My BEST FRIEND.

I feel so fortunate that I had a best friend from birth. There are very few memories of my childhood in which my best friend was not a part. He came to my plays, Oohed and aahed at my art work, always helped me with my science projects and my woodshop assignments, taught me how to play cribbage and beat me constantly at Gin. He read me stories, or let me read them to him, and always held my hand-even when I was an adult. He took me on driving lessons, which is something he NEVER did for anyone else, and drove 750 miles to be there on the day that I got married. I didn't tell him then, but if I could have had a best man on my side, it would have been him.

When I was a little girl, and I was so sick and in the hospital, he came to see me every day. He would take me on "walks" even though I was too weak to walk, and he would push me in my wheel chair and take me all over the hospital to all different floors and then pretend he couldn't remember which floor I was on. He always knew exactly what I needed to cheer me up and take care of me.

He and my grandmother bought a brand new couch after I had a bout with the chicken pox and got a weird rash from their old one.

He hated his picture to be taken, and one Christmas, I was given a gold locket with a formal portrait of my grandparents inside it. My grandmother told me later that it was his idea to do the pictures so that I could have a picture in my locket. He even lovingly engraved my initials in the hearts on the front.

He made me a mirror with his own hands when I was six, and gave it to me for Christmas. I still have it. It's in my son's room. Whenever I look at it I think of the love that went in to it... The love he had for me.

When it was time for me to have a bike, He went to the junkyard and got all these different bike parts and made me a bike. When I told him I needed a kick stand, he asked me to draw him some blue prints, and I did, and when I presented them to him, he made me a kick stand... to my exact specifications.

I remember once, when I was living in San Diego, far from home, I called him to tell him all about my new adventure by the beach, and he told me he loved me... "I love you, Susie." It was a big deal because he never said it first.

I remember too, saying goodbye to him for the last time, and told him I would see him in a week or two when I got back home from Utah. I was called the next week on my trip with the news that he had collapsed and was in a coma.

I remember feeling so much all at once. We rushed home, as fast as we could, and immediately went to the hospital, where he was lying in ICU, on life support. I felt so much agony when I saw him there, because all I could think about was the last time I saw his face, and how excited he was to go to this dance at the Seniors center, (he collapsed while getting ready to go out to this dance). He died April 6, 2005. I felt shame and sorrow for not making him more of a priority in my "busy" life. I was instantly reminded of one day when he told me that he missed seeing my face...

So here is an open letter to my best friend, my father figure, and my grandfather:

Papa,

I miss your face. I miss your voice. I miss your stories. I miss your laugh. I even miss your teasing. I miss your hugs, and I miss holding your hand. I miss our talks, and our inside jokes. I would give anything to see you right now. I need your advice. I need your acceptance. I need to remember how much you love me.

I know you are with Grandma and Aunt Lola, and with others who are gone now too. I know we will be together again. I know our family is forever. But knowing that doesn't change how much I miss you. I really really miss you.

It was so hard to let you go, knowing that in this life I would never see you again.

I guess that's it. I just... miss seeing your face.

Thank you for loving me.

With Love,
Susie

To Kill a Mockingbird

Since the day I finished it the first time back in 1992, it has remained my favorite. I am now reading for probably the 4th time since then, (I assure you there is not another book that I have ever read that many times) and the other day, something jumped out at me. It got me thinking... a lot. Mostly about my grandfather and the relationship we had. It was magic. Have you ever met someone, and just immediately had a special bond with that person? You don't really understand why you are closer to that person than someone else, but you almost feel like you have always been friends. As if you met somewhere before, or in another life.

I used to love it when I was a little girl, (and I have to admit I still like to hear it) when people would tell me that my grandfather was different before I was born. You see, I was the only girl among the grandchildren, which came with it a lot of expectations from some of the women in my family. I was the youngest for a while too. I have 8 cousins and they are all boys. I didn't ever know the papa who only shook hands and remained stoic and somewhat uninvolved. The papa who didn't show a lot of affection was not someone I ever met.

The man I knew gave the best hugs, and loved to play with me. He didn't shake my hand, he laughed at my silly jokes, he read me stories, he climbed on the monkey bars with me, he took me swimming, and let me push him in to the water. He would sit and talk to me, and often confide in me what he didn't in anyone else. He held my hand anytime I wanted to, and he would take me with him to run errands and always bought me an ice cream cone. He came to see me when I was in chorus, and came to every play I did, even if he hated the play, and he always brought me flowers and gave them to me after a show. He was proud of me, and loved me so much. And trust me, the feeling was mutual. He was my best friend all growing up. No one even came close to my papa. He made me things with his own two hands, and they were always beautiful. He drove from California to Utah when I got married, (which is saying a lot, because he hated sitting in a car for long periods of time... not to mention that Utah has weak beer) and what was in the trunk of his car? Fresh California strawberries... because I couldn't have just any old Utah crap strawberries at my wedding, and the best of all was that it was his idea. He did it because he loved me and wanted my day to be special.

10 years ago, I was moving to Utah from California, and he made me a large batch of my favorite cookies for the trip. He even wrote my name in bubble letters on a post-it that he put on the bag... I still have it, and it still brings tears to my eyes when I look at it.

In 1 month exactly, it will be 6 years since the day that I said goodbye to him for the last time. I was there when he left this earth. He left at 5:30 in the morning, and I spent the entire night before with him all by myself. He was in a coma, but it didn't stop us from bonding. He knew I was there, and I knew he could hear what I was saying. I had a few very precious and very spiritual experiences with him that night... Experiences that when I tried to explain them were lost on my family. I just held his hand and talked to him, and when I would stop talking, I would look at him, and his eyes told me he was growing weary of the battle he was fighting, and when it looked as if it were getting to be too much, it was my duty to call my family and inform them they needed to come to the hospital. He left surrounded by us all, each of us sat there and watched as his spirit leaped out of his body and was free.

I miss him every day. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I still had him with me.

Everybody tells me that something changed in him when I was born. I know that we were best friends in our other life, and I don't think that the bond will be easily broken. In fact I know that in the next life, it will be stronger still.

I wish so much that I could have seen my son and my grandfather together. I know that they would have been such good buddies.

Do you know what I remember most about him? That he just loved me. He accepted me for who I was and never once tried to change me. I was always good enough for him no questions asked.

I'm going to end this with the paragraph in my favorite book that reminded me of my relationship with him... It goes a little something like this:

"Aunt Alexandra was fanatical on the subject of my attire. I could not possibly hope to be a lady if I wore breeches; when I said I could do nothing in a dress, she said I wasn't supposed to be doing things that required pants. Aunt Alexandra's vision of my deportment involved playing with small stoves, tea sets, and wearing the Add-A-Pearl necklace she gave me when I was born; furthermore, I should be a ray of sunshine in my father's lonely life. I suggested that one could be a ray of sunshine in pants just as well, but Aunty said that one had to behave like a sunbeam, that I was born good but had grown progressively worse every year. She hurt my feelings and set my teeth permanently on edge, but when I asked Atticus about it, he said there were already enough sunbeams in the family and to go on about my business, he didn't mind me much the way I was."

Those few words that Atticus says to Scout in a moment when her feelings were upset because her Aunty had made her feel so badly about herself are words that I feel as if I've heard many times throughout my life from my papa. He has always been that voice for me. The voice that says, "Don't mind them. You go on about your business, I like you just the way you are."

I miss him. Gosh do I miss him.

With Love,
Suz

Just wanted to say...

I just wanted to say that I feel better today. Yesterday was a rough one for me. But today has been a lot better, and here's to tomorrow being even better! :)

With Love,
Suz

Maybe it's me.

Maybe it's the cold. Or the snow. Maybe a combination of the two.

Maybe it's something in my brain that doesn't work.

Maybe it's loneliness. Or being too far away from home.

Maybe it's that I don't know where home is anymore. Or that I don't know where it will be in the near future.

Maybe it's everything.

Maybe I should give up. Maybe not. Maybe I should crawl in to a hole and never come out again. I think I would miss my family too much.

Maybe I need to reconnect with my own spirituality.

Maybe I need to get out more.

Maybe it's him. Maybe it's me.

I am feeling so sad right now. So sad I feel alone and empty inside. So sad that it consumes me. So sad that it's hard to breathe. It's hard to think. It's hard to feel. So sad that I think about too much. So sad that I don't think enough.

How can I be here but not? How can I want to be distant but also want to be close? How can I reach out to others but also recoil when they reach back? How can I want to be alone but feel lonely at the same time? How can I feel so useless?

I just needed to get that out.

What I've been up to lately...

So, I've been pretty absent from this old blog for a while now... sorry lovelies. I've been trying to keep busy. I finished my last photo session of 2010, and then, it's been quiet. I have a potential new wedding client, but that won't be until March if I get the job. So, what is a (sorta) out of work photographer to do?

(All of these pictures have been made possible by the use of one of my fabulous Christmas presents from husband: My new SPEEDLIGHT! )

Well...

I've rekindled my love for knitting,

taught myself to knit in the round,

taught myself a new stitch (the gorgeous HERRINGBONE) by knitting myself an oversized cowl,

began crocheting a new scarf for my sweetheart out of fisherman's wool,

rediscovered my favorite book, and said goodbye to my favorite snack,

 

found a surprise inside the book that makes me laugh, 

saved an almost perfect train table from an untimely death by trashcan, (and thereby cinching my mother of the year award)... did I mention it was FREE?...

ordered some new music from some old favorites,

and downloaded MATT AND KIM'S SIDEWALKS ALBUM, (that was all caps, because I can't express without shouting how wonderful this album is) Hellogoodbye's Would it Kill you? Album, and all of the Pomplamoose stuff I could find, (no pictures on this one, sorry)...


decided that KID TO KID really is the happiest place for parents on a budget but who love expensive shoes,

 VANS WITH VELCRO! ($4.99)

A nod to my high school days with these kid size purple doc martens! ($5.99)

found some gems at ROSS DRESS FOR LESS and TJMAXX, (including but not limited to an enamel coated cast iron casserole dish that I've wanted for ages, and it just so happens to be in cobalt... and some new chucks for cheap)...

found a new gluten free/dairy free cookbook that makes me want to live in the kitchen, 

got a new work station, 

am still learning how to use my Christmas present from the Mr... (yep that's my Rolleicord Va Type 1!!!)...

 

 I also decided that I HATE blogger, because I had to pay $5 for 20 GB of storage because the Bass turds (What? Fish poop is gross but it's not a bad word) said I ran out of storage space. Whatevs. 

I wanted to do some mobile uploads of my mommy-son date tonight at CUPCAKE CHIC in Orem. But we still live in the cheap dark ages where we don't have cell phones with data plans, so Sprint charges us up the wazoo for sending photos to email... 

Back to Cupcake Chic... They are currently the ONLY cupcake bakery that I know of that sells Gluten Free cupcakes. Z ordered a chocolate one, (they only had two cupcakes left - chocolate and red velvet) and we sat down to test it out... the verdict? 

Well, I tried a bite of it, and I will say that Z scarfed up the frosting, which to me tasted like sugary shortening... not my favorite flavor... and wasn't really in to the cupcake part, because it was pretty dry and crumbly... not my favorite texture... but it tasted OKAY... not great. The upside is that it only cost $2.25, which is kind of a rip off, but not for specialty stuff. 

But I am giving major MAJOR kudos to these guys for trying what everyone else seems to be scared of trying! 

Also on a side note... PIZZA PIE CAFE (my local favorite) is selling GLUTEN FREE PIZZA now! :) And it's pretty dang good... I think I would like it better if had a different texture, but I am not going to be a whiner. I'm just stoked I can eat at my favorite pizza place again! 

I have added to my no eats list. Currently I am gluten (duh) free, DAIRY (oy) free, and SUGAR (yeah you heard that right) free... So my diet is restricted, but it's okay. I am not only losing weight, (yep, it's true!) I am feeling better, and I am actually regulating my insulin resistance problem which means there might (PRAY FOR US PLEASE!) be a chance we will be adding another baby to this family this year... which would be, well, in one word... A-MAY-ZING.

So, I am going to do better about blogging... well, I'll try. :) 

Thanks for reading! 

With Love, 

Suz

A word to the wise...

Sometimes you might be tempted to try something you know you shouldn't...

But just know that no matter how good that something may seem, it will leave you unhappy, filled with self loathing, bloated, and probably constipated...

I hate you gluten. I really, really hate you.

With Love,
Suz

A few things.

I have a few things on my mind.

1. I hate, HATE when movies are portrayed one way, so you go in to it with certain expectations, and then you are let down tremendously. For example, Defendor and the Informant! were both portrayed in the trailers as COMEDIES... however, Defendor was actually quite sad-not funny at all, and the Informant! went nowhere and I don't think Husband or I laughed once. Very disappointing.

2. I really dislike movies about Demons or demonic things, as well as evil people... like rapists, serial killers, you know, people doing awful disgusting things to other people... especially children. WHY IS THIS ENTERTAINMENT???

3. I think it's really sad and terrifying how trusting people are here. They don't watch where their children are, they let them roam everywhere, and often just trust someone else has the same morals and values as them, and that their children will be alright. It scares me, honestly. I don't like it.

4. I think every woman needs to learn self defense... REAL self defense. I was watching Ruby the other day, and she went to an MMA fighter to learn self defense. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I want to learn to defend myself. Anyone else out there want to go with me? Or know of a good place that's not just some dude in a lot of padding that attacks you from obvious angles?

5. I want a gun. I mean, I want to be safe. But I'm seriously considering getting my concealed permit. I know, who would have ever thought I would want that?

6. I have a strong desire to learn just about everything. I have this thirst for knowledge. I want to know more than one language fluently, and I want to know things like how the economy really works, and how to fix my car.

7. I want to succeed in what I set my mind to. I want to help support my family, without compromising staying home with my little one.

8. Husband and I talk about the what if's a lot. Last night I asked him "What if we can't have any more children?" And do you know what he said? "There are plenty of children in the world who need a good home. I think we could adopt a child and be just as happy as if he were our own." I almost cried. He is so wonderful.

9. Why is it that so many people can't look past one thing and see the good in people? There is good everywhere you look, but sometimes you have to look harder than other times. But it's still there.

10. I wish forgiveness was easier. It breaks my heart to see people carrying around grudges and anger, when it feels so good to let it go.

11. Today Ez climbed out of his playpen after his nap was over at PaPa's house. He is fearless.

12. I love it so much when Ez wants to cuddle with me. I feel bad when Husband wants to hug him, but he wiggles free and asks for me. But, I secretly like it too. I miss when he was so tiny and he would fall asleep on my chest and lie there for hours and hours. In fact, those wee hours of the morning when he would wake in the middle of the night were my favorite, because it was just him and me while everyone else was sleeping, and I could sing to him, and we would have a very special little moment. There is something so amazing about your baby lying on your chest. I feel safe, and I feel so loved. It's amazing, and I have to admit, I miss it.

13. Ez is hilarious. He makes me laugh daily. Even when he's shouting and not getting his way, he is still the most beautiful, amazing person I have ever known in my life.

14. My PaPa was my best friend. He was also the only father I had ever known. So, when he died, I lost three people: My grandfather, my father and my best friend. It was excruciating to say good bye, and I honestly think about him every day. It's been 5 years, and though the pain isn't as severe, when I do think about him, it comes flooding back and the ache is so strong. When I see my son sitting in his Great Papa's chair, I cry thinking that I never got to witness two such wonderful and special people in my life interact. My Papa would have loved my little one, and my little one would have loved his Great Papa. But, it comforts me to think they spent time together before Ez came to this world. They are good friends. I just know it. Maybe it's a silly thought, but it comforts me. I am crying right now as I type. I seriously miss him so much. Is it weird that I still have his old phone number in my cell phone? I still go to call him sometimes. I need to stop.

15. My husband remains my rock in this life. He is so amazing. He supports me...every crazy idea I have, he supports me.

16. Heavenly Father loves me. He loves you. He cares for us and our welfare, even when at times we don't think He does. He wants us to be happy, but also knows that the hard times are necessary for our growth. Rely on the Savior and His ability to heal you. Rely on His strength when you feel weak. Rely on Him when you feel strong too, and when the hard times come, they will seem easier. They don't go away, but they do seem easier. Everything is possible with the help of God and His son.

17. Even though there are times when I feel so low, I know... I'm fully aware of how blessed I am. I live in the United States, where I have so many freedoms that I take for granted. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ to answer a lot of the questions that I have about what this life means and where I am going after this life is over. I have a very loving family and family-in-law. I have a son who is healthy, smart, loving, kind, caring, and beautiful. I have a husband who finds me attractive, and loves me unconditionally. He treats me so well. So many women don't have that. I am so blessed to have that. My heart is just so full.

18. I have wonderful friends. I can't say enough about how much I love my friends. They make me pretty happy.

19. I really want to recycle. I hate liter. I really don't like it when I see people litter. It bothers me a lot.

20. I really want to take a road trip. I want to go back to Chico. I miss it a lot.

21. I love Reed's Extra Ginger Beer. It is amazing.

22. I kind of hate facebook for the most part.

23. I love being able to take photographs. I think photography is so beautiful. I respect those who put things out in to the world that is truly art. I love that you can capture a moment and prove to others that the world is beautiful and good.

24. I want to do good in this world. I want to help others. I want to contribute something of worth in this world. When I was in high school I wanted to join the peace corps. I moved to Utah instead. ha ha.

25. It makes me really sad when I lose contact with people who I was close to at one point. When friends grow apart or just decide they don't need me in their lives anymore... makes me so sad and confused. I have a hard time letting go. I don't like the thought that people don't like me. I know you can't please everyone, but it still makes me so sad to know that I'm not liked.

26. I love my mother. She is so generous and good. She means well and loves me so much. I love seeing her with Ez. They bring each other so much happiness. It's beautiful to see.

27. I am really glad that I found my father. I felt I needed to find him, and, well that's a different story entirely, but I just am so grateful to finally have him in my life. He is trying so hard to make up for all the lost time. 28 years without him, and now I feel that hole is filled. Finally. It wasn't that everyone else wasn't enough, but I think that everyone feels the need and the want to know where they come from. I am lucky that he wanted to be in my life. He embraced it. I am so grateful. I was so scared he wouldn't.

28. I am so grateful that I was able to find the answers to Ez's health problems. I was so scared. We tried so long to have him, and to watch him lose weight and become so sick, without seemingly anything really causing it, was terrifying. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for leading me in the directions to find the answers to my questions. I'm also thankful that I was able to listen well enough to follow. Now I have a healthy, vibrant, thriving child who is one of the loves of my life.

29. I want to be done with school... not like, never want to learn again, but I want us to be done with the required stuff so we can figure out where we are going to live and what we are going to do, and just do it. I am tired of living in rental apartments and dealing with the stress of the where's and when's. I just want it to be over!

30. I worry about everything. I am a bit of a hypochondriac, and worry constantly that something is seriously wrong with me... I worry about dying... not so much of what will happen to me, but what will happen to my family. I don't want us to be a part. I worry what will happen if I died. Husband would have a very hard time. Ez... well, I don't even want to think about it. It scares me. I love my little family and our little life. Even when it is hard and it feels downright sucky, my life is good, and I am so happy.

That was a lot. I had a lot on my mind. Husband often finds it fascinating that I can have so much in my brain at once... yeah, I'm a little crazy.

Goodnight friends.

With Love,
Suz

I know I'm not the only one...

I know I am not the only person around that is grateful for beautiful, wonderful, loving, caring friends. I am so thankful I have them in my life.

I was raised an only child, and so I didn't have brothers and sisters growing up. I kind of adopted other people as my "siblings." Perhaps that is why it affects me so much when we "grow apart."

Anyway, in the last few days, I have felt overwhelming love from my friends, and I have to say that I just feel so blessed to have good people in my life who care about me and are willing to overlook how ridiculous I can be, and still be there for me! Wow. I am just so so so thankful.

Now, I love my family too. Do not get me wrong. But this post is about my friends.

Have you ever heard, "Friends are the family you get to choose?" ha ha. I always thought that was really funny, but it's so fitting. Some of my closest friends I consider family.

So, thank you friends, for being there for me. For calling when I need it, or texting, or instant messaging or facebooking, or whatever it is we do... For forgiving me when I have a lapse in control and mental function... For making me laugh and cry... For sharing your joys and your sorrows... For lending me books and knowing what's good for me... For going to the park in the afternoons... For giving my photography shout outs on Facebook... For giving me advice, and taking mine. ha ha. For loving me unconditionally and understanding that I am human, and I suck sometimes. I love you I love you I love you!

With Love,
Suz

How I've been feeling lately...

I want to start this post off by saying that I really am not fishing for compliments right now. I just want to write out my feelings. I am putting it out in to the universe in the hopes that perhaps it will ease my mind somewhat. Maybe it will heal my heart. Maybe it won't do anything. Maybe someone will read it, maybe no one will, but what is important is that I am feeling it and that I'm expressing it instead of keeping it locked up inside like I usually do.

Have you ever been to a party, and you've gotten all dressed up for it, you've done your make up a little more dramatic than usual, you think you look hot. You think everyone will be looking at you thinking how hot you look. Then you go to the bathroom, and you see you have a gigantic piece of spinach in your teeth, or that you've started your period and it's gotten on your pants, or you have a giant zit on your forehead that you had no idea was there. Suddenly perspective sets in, and you realize that you aren't as hot as you thought you were, and in fact, you feel a little bit ridiculous... a little bit embarrassed. The rest of the night you feel completely humiliated, and you spend any amount of time left at the party wondering how many people saw, and thinking that everyone is laughing at you. You don't feel hot anymore, in fact you feel quite a bit like a joke. Like a poser.

In February I started a photography business. I've gotten a few jobs, and I have loved every single minute of every shoot I have done. I love meeting new people, and I love capturing moments in their lives.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm the greatest photographer or that anyone else thinks I am, but I am proud of my accomplishments and what I have learned in such a short amount of time. I look at my photographs and do think to myself, "You should be proud of yourself."

I have gotten several compliments on my work, and that makes me all the more proud of myself. However, I also lack confidence in myself, and find myself seeking validation... maybe a little too much. I analyze and overanalyze my work, and see all of the flaws and how it needs to be better but isn't. Then I start to worry that the people I have taken pictures for don't like them or won't like them. My stomach turns in knots, and I find myself just absolutely stressed out until I hear from them whether they like them or not.

Then I feel pretty good again... And all of those compliments make me feel so good about myself and help me to have more confidence in my abilities as a photographer.

But, it only takes one negative comment to trump all the compliments and make me doubt myself enough to feel ridiculous, that maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe people think I'm a joke. Maybe I should too. I become that girl at the party who felt on top of the world one minute, and stuck in a corner wondering who else is mocking her the next.

I'm not saying anyone has said anything bad about my pictures, but I guess I feel like if people aren't ecstatic about them, that they are just being nice. I'm sure they think the pictures are fine. Enough people must, because I am getting jobs. I just have to admit that I feel like I'm trying really hard to be something that I don't deserve to be.

I didn't go to school to learn this trade. I have taken a class or two in high school and that is it. I feel like I can't call myself a photographer. I feel like all other photographers would laugh at my efforts. Perhaps they look at me as a wannabe, or someone trying to be something she's not.

I think I worry too much about what people think of me, but I can't help but wrap my own self esteem up in everyone else's opinion of me and my work.

I don't want to be a wannabe. I don't want to be a "fake pro photographer who works from her home," - something said on another photographer's blog... I actually really resent that statement. It actually pisses me off quite a bit.

Is it wrong for someone to try and help provide for her family? Am I any less of a photographer if people see something in my work that they like, and are willing to pay me for it? Because I didn't go to school, that makes me a fake?

Yeah... maybe it does. I don't know. But what I do know is that I love to take pictures, and I love to make people happy. If I can do both of those things and ALSO help provide for my family, then I guess I'm a fake. I'm a great big, giant, fake, wannabe, poser, joke. And it does sting a little bit, and I will probably continue to feel like a fake, a phony until a magical day when I won't anymore.

The truth is, I love what I do. Other people love what I do. And who is anyone to make me feel like there is something wrong with that? Why do I let it affect me so negatively? Enough to almost, (ALMOST) want to throw my hands up and give up...

Now I have a choice to make. Do I let myself out of the corner and laugh about the giant zit on my forehead, and enjoy the party? Or do I exit stage left and never show my face again?

I'd like to enjoy the party. Is that okay? Is it okay to try hard not to feel ridiculous? Is it okay to crawl out of the corner and dance and sing at the top of my lungs and try not to worry about what other people are saying? I would very much like to do that, but it seems so many want to see people suffer and feel less than they are.

So, there you have it. I feel like a joke. A bit ridiculous, and a lot foolish for trying to pass myself off as a photographer. But, do you know what? My husband and my son and the rest of my family and most of my friends are cheering me on, and that really should be all that matters.

But why isn't it?

Anyway, that's how I feel, and it kind of sucks to feel this way. I honestly teeter between feeling like no one cares, and everyone cares too much... (like other photographers who think someone like me is lame, or makes what they do look bad).

So, whether anyone reads this or not, it's out there, and it's how I truly feel right now. Kind of sad and depressing isn't it?

I have no self esteem anymore.

With Love,
Suz